Serious: Relationships & Opinions

Juniper · 01-17-2010, 03:22 AM

I need a little advice. Please put on your serious hats and help me out.

I'll tell you this first -- I am a fairly conservative chick, politically. But not totally. I like to think I've got an open mind, an informed mind, a logical mind.

My husband, OTOH, is a conservative on par with Beck & Limbaugh.

Don't hate him. I think he's just suffering through a confused mid-life crisis. He'll get better eventually.

But the question is, what the hell do you do when the person you love most has some really stupid political philosophies? When he's sometimes downright bigoted and homophobic?

One thing you do is, when he says he wants you to sign him up for the National Review, you say OK but "forget" to do it.

And you nod and uh-huh a lot, hoping he's just in a bad mood and really, he doesn't feel that way when he's more rested. Surely not.

I love the guy, he's got a lot of positive attributes, but this isn't one of 'em, and I don't know how to cope. You know what he'd say if I argued with him? He'd say that I was learning a bunch of Liberal crap from that college I go to. As if I am the one being brainwashed vs. actually learning facts. I have to report to him all the time on this or that prof who made a statement indicating he or she is not a flaming Liberal just to make him happy. My editing prof, for example, what a relief! Not that I care, it's just nice to have balance.

This is driving me nuts.

TheMercenary · 01-17-2010, 04:09 AM

I work around some Limbaugh and Rush addicts. Same with the bigoted and homophobic statements, which really are inappropriate in the work place. I call them out on some stuff but they act like I have just spoken against the written Word. In the end I usally just stare at them like they have 2 heads and ignore them. But I don't have to live with them. Why can't you just sit down and have a discussion with him and say, look I respect that you have these views, but most of it is way to extreme for me and I don't think like that. Certainly you can have that discussion witih him.

xoxoxoBruce · 01-17-2010, 10:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMercenary

I work around some Limbaugh and Rush addicts. Same with the bigoted and homophobic statements, which really are inappropriate in the work place. I call them out on some stuff but they act like I have just spoken against the written Word. In the end I usally just stare at them like they have 2 heads and ignore them.

Me too, but after I snap the fuck out, they avoid me for a couple months.

My second wife voted for Nixon (2nd time), and couldn't wait to tell me. I don't miss her.

Juni, roll your eyes and say, "whatever".

Juniper · 01-17-2010, 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Juni, roll your eyes and say, "whatever".

Yeah, that's generally been my strategy. Just wondered if anyone had advice for something more productive.

xoxoxoBruce · 01-17-2010, 10:50 PM

Yeah, I know that, but I generally just spend the time thinking up places to hide the bodies. In other words, I got nuthin' at the moment.

edit, unless you want to paint Cellar.org on your naked chest and....

Juniper · 01-17-2010, 11:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Yeah, I know that, but I generally just spend the time thinking up places to hide the bodies. In other words, I got nuthin' at the moment.

edit, unless you want to paint Cellar.org on your naked chest and....

Oh, shut up.

sexobon · 01-17-2010, 04:57 AM

When he says something you vehemently disagree with, one technique is to simply reply: "You're certainly entitled to your own opinions; however, you're not entitled to your own facts." Then continue with whatever you were doing as if you had him on ignore. After hearing that reply, repeatedly, most people will realize that just standing on a soapbox doesn't cut it anymore. Don't argue with him: wait until the bravado tones down and he's willing to discuss the issues. Keep in mind that he may find your recently acquired scholastic knowledge intimidating; so, accentuate the gist rather than the source.

monster · 01-17-2010, 06:36 AM

Don't let him treat you like a child. As long as he's doing that, he's not going to respect that you have a right to your own opinions. You shouldn't have to "report to him" about anything. sexobon nailed it re facts and opinions.

DanaC · 01-17-2010, 06:41 AM

Nothing used to piss me off more when i was with J, than when I took him to task about the way we were training/raising Pilau and he'd say "Oh you've been talking to your mum"

Fuck you. I have formed my own fucking opinions thankyou very much,. How dare you suggest that I am so weak minded as to just be led by the nose and 'given' my opinions by someone else.

I may be wrong, but that attitude seems to be a male one towards women and not so much the other way around. Very paternalistic. Even J, who was/is pretty right on in matters of gender politics had a tendency to resort to that shit in an argument.

How would it be if you were to suggest he's been brainwashed by the media?

Griff · 01-17-2010, 07:22 AM

My Mom used to keep my Dad on track but she was a pretty strong personality. Now that she's gone he is over the wall. I'd say educate yourself on a few non-negotiable issues and call him on it when he crosses the line. If he is surrounding himself with like-minded media, he will need a dissenting voice. Don't push it to an argument all the time just lay down the speed bump consistently.

skysidhe · 01-17-2010, 08:09 AM

I would probably gently tell him what you said here. You feel like you have to justify your classes to make peace and that you would appreciate it if he would give you the consideration of having your own opinions either way.

If something is making you uncomfortable then establish that personal boundary. If establishing boundaries is a new thing in your relationship then expect some bumps of course but lovingly stay firm about what YOUR expectations are.

Trilby · 01-17-2010, 08:36 AM

I think everyone has posted some very good ideas, juni.

and when he brings up the liberal college stuff, remind him it's an ROTC college and (i've found it to be) pretty damn conservative - faculty AND student body.

Pico and ME · 01-17-2010, 08:48 AM

Juni, I think you are in for a bumpy ride here. You are on the path to enlightenment with the degree you are pursuing - education always opens the mind and lights up the dark stuff. Your husband isn't. How your relationship progresses from now on will be entirely up to you and what you are willing to endure. If you have a lot of patience, then Griff's suggestion is golden, but keep in mind, because your husband has already set up a certain pattern of dominance over you, it will be a long haul.

Elspode · 01-17-2010, 12:19 PM

It is my experience that overt bigotry or Conservatism often has an underpinning of either emotional trauma, spiritual brainwashing, or both. Unfortunately, the only treatment for those things is an open mind. I wish you the best. I fear that the divisiveness in our world is going to increase before it lessens, and so the stress between you two may pose a greater challenge in the coming months and years. Keep you head about you at all times, and remember that, as long as one of you is rational and balanced, and loves the other person, there's always hope.

TheMercenary · 01-17-2010, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elspode

It is my experience that overt bigotry or Conservatism often has an underpinning of either emotional trauma, spiritual brainwashing, or both.

WTF? You think those things are related and of the same route causes?

01-17-2010, 03:22 AM	#1
Juniper I know, right? Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 1,539	Serious: Relationships & Opinions I need a little advice. Please put on your serious hats and help me out. I'll tell you this first -- I am a fairly conservative chick, politically. But not totally. I like to think I've got an open mind, an informed mind, a logical mind. My husband, OTOH, is a conservative on par with Beck & Limbaugh. Don't hate him. I think he's just suffering through a confused mid-life crisis. He'll get better eventually. But the question is, what the hell do you do when the person you love most has some really stupid political philosophies? When he's sometimes downright bigoted and homophobic? One thing you do is, when he says he wants you to sign him up for the National Review, you say OK but "forget" to do it. And you nod and uh-huh a lot, hoping he's just in a bad mood and really, he doesn't feel that way when he's more rested. Surely not. I love the guy, he's got a lot of positive attributes, but this isn't one of 'em, and I don't know how to cope. You know what he'd say if I argued with him? He'd say that I was learning a bunch of Liberal crap from that college I go to. As if I am the one being brainwashed vs. actually learning facts. I have to report to him all the time on this or that prof who made a statement indicating he or she is not a flaming Liberal just to make him happy. My editing prof, for example, what a relief! Not that I care, it's just nice to have balance. This is driving me nuts.

01-17-2010, 04:09 AM	#2
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	I work around some Limbaugh and Rush addicts. Same with the bigoted and homophobic statements, which really are inappropriate in the work place. I call them out on some stuff but they act like I have just spoken against the written Word. In the end I usally just stare at them like they have 2 heads and ignore them. But I don't have to live with them. Why can't you just sit down and have a discussion with him and say, look I respect that you have these views, but most of it is way to extreme for me and I don't think like that. Certainly you can have that discussion witih him. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

01-17-2010, 10:50 PM	#5
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Yeah, I know that, but I generally just spend the time thinking up places to hide the bodies. In other words, I got nuthin' at the moment. edit, unless you want to paint Cellar.org on your naked chest and.... __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-17-2010, 06:36 AM	#8
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Don't let him treat you like a child. As long as he's doing that, he's not going to respect that you have a right to your own opinions. You shouldn't have to "report to him" about anything. sexobon nailed it re facts and opinions. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

01-17-2010, 07:22 AM	#10
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	My Mom used to keep my Dad on track but she was a pretty strong personality. Now that she's gone he is over the wall. I'd say educate yourself on a few non-negotiable issues and call him on it when he crosses the line. If he is surrounding himself with like-minded media, he will need a dissenting voice. Don't push it to an argument all the time just lay down the speed bump consistently. __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

01-17-2010, 04:57 AM	#7
sexobon I love it when a plan comes together. Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 9,793	When he says something you vehemently disagree with, one technique is to simply reply: "You're certainly entitled to your own opinions; however, you're not entitled to your own facts." Then continue with whatever you were doing as if you had him on ignore. After hearing that reply, repeatedly, most people will realize that just standing on a soapbox doesn't cut it anymore. Don't argue with him: wait until the bravado tones down and he's willing to discuss the issues. Keep in mind that he may find your recently acquired scholastic knowledge intimidating; so, accentuate the gist rather than the source.

01-17-2010, 08:09 AM	#11
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	I would probably gently tell him what you said here. You feel like you have to justify your classes to make peace and that you would appreciate it if he would give you the consideration of having your own opinions either way. If something is making you uncomfortable then establish that personal boundary. If establishing boundaries is a new thing in your relationship then expect some bumps of course but lovingly stay firm about what YOUR expectations are. Last edited by skysidhe; 01-17-2010 at 08:14 AM.

01-17-2010, 08:36 AM	#12
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	I think everyone has posted some very good ideas, juni. and when he brings up the liberal college stuff, remind him it's an ROTC college and (i've found it to be) pretty damn conservative - faculty AND student body. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

01-17-2010, 08:48 AM	#13
Pico and ME Are you knock-kneed? Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Middle Hoosierland Posts: 3,549	Juni, I think you are in for a bumpy ride here. You are on the path to enlightenment with the degree you are pursuing - education always opens the mind and lights up the dark stuff. Your husband isn't. How your relationship progresses from now on will be entirely up to you and what you are willing to endure. If you have a lot of patience, then Griff's suggestion is golden, but keep in mind, because your husband has already set up a certain pattern of dominance over you, it will be a long haul.

01-17-2010, 12:19 PM	#14
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	It is my experience that overt bigotry or Conservatism often has an underpinning of either emotional trauma, spiritual brainwashing, or both. Unfortunately, the only treatment for those things is an open mind. I wish you the best. I fear that the divisiveness in our world is going to increase before it lessens, and so the stress between you two may pose a greater challenge in the coming months and years. Keep you head about you at all times, and remember that, as long as one of you is rational and balanced, and loves the other person, there's always hope. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

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