I miss Him

[Ocean's Edge]

A few notes.
A couple of opening bars, played by fingers too big, hands long since out of practice.

And she cried.

The song one she'd known well and loved for years, but it wasn't the song. The notes were rough but that hardly mattered. Still the tears stung the back of her eyes, her throat swelled with the lump that built at the back of it. She watched the man she loved cradle the instrument that meant so much to her and coach the few minor chords that gripped her heart from it, and she wept.

"I didn't know you could play."

"You never asked."

He smiled, and she was lost in that smile. It left her with a thousand thoughts, a whirl of emotion. Any attempt to form words died on her tongue. The love and the joy welled up in her heart till she thought it might burst.

[Gravdigr]

Explanation, please.

[Ocean's Edge]

Just something I wrote - some time ago... a few weeks before the wedding,

It was just one of those 'moments', something I tried to capture and put in a jar for safe keeping

Him is back in Australia now, cleaning up the last remnants of the life he left behind 5 years ago .... but this trip is fraught with under currents and tensions and unspoken fears, and a few tears here and there.

Me, I'm just waxing nostalgic - missing my husband, lost in the silence, tripping over memories, looking for memories, missing my husband, but more so missing the man I fell in love with 9 years ago.

*shrug* lost for explanations .... so you get the snippets, the snap shots, the dusty old memory caught in a bottle that doesn't maybe smell as fresh as it did then.....

Just me being stupid and believing he really is coming back, but not really *knowing* it

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by Ocean's Edge

Just something I wrote - some time ago...

Nice. And there's nothing stupid about it.

[Gravdigr]

Also, it's ok to miss him...

...just don't let him find out!

[Ocean's Edge]

long chat with Him this morning, a bit raw, sometimes it's easier to say hard things over a computer screen ...... but to be honest ... virtual hugs ... suck

[Ocean's Edge]

damn this should have been easy - so I told myself - build 2 boxes 17'x 8.5' x 18" out of 17'x 6" x 2" and 17' x 4" x 4" lumber and bury em 3"-6" in the ground ... no biggie _ got a circular saw, I got a post hole borer, I got a lawn tractor with a pusher blade

He said he'd leave all the tools I needed in the porch for me .... nail gun is there, circular saw is there, compressor is there........ but oh little things like my carpenter's square - unreachable, extension cord - unfindable, back - uncooperative

Monday evening 6pm and I haven't driven a single nail yet .... nope not good, not good at all!

[orthodoc]

I sympathize with the uncooperative back ... and do listen to grav: even though you miss Him, don't let Him know!

Men are very strange creatures. They seem to like you best when you make them sweat.

[Ocean's Edge]

Oh he knows I miss him, went through this once already when it took over 16 months for him to get back to Canada after the wedding... which is part and parcel of the baggage .... but he also knows if he decided he needed to stay for his parents, or wanted to stay because it's 'Home' ... I'd let him go, not happily, but I'd let him go.

And I'd be fine - I'd be struggling, but I've done that before, again not happily, but I got by

As for the planter boxes - it's just a bit of an annoying hiccup, if I work an hour at it at a time then take a break, I should be able to get through it in a few days, the planting.... that's still gonna take a bit. But again... I'll get it done, might not be pretty or on time but it'll get done.

[orthodoc]

The biggest mistake I've ever made in relationships was letting the guy know I cared. Being caring and considerate brings out the worst. It seems women do better shutting down that aspect of themselves. As the lyrics go, "the less I give, the more I get back". Totally counter-intuitive.

I'm sorry you've been through pain already. Hope it doesn't repeat itself.

[Big Sarge]

Originally Posted by orthodoc

The biggest mistake I've ever made in relationships was letting the guy know I cared. Being caring and considerate brings out the worst. It seems women do better shutting down that aspect of themselves. As the lyrics go, "the less I give, the more I get back". Totally counter-intuitive.

I'm sorry you've been through pain already. Hope it doesn't repeat itself.

I disagree with your thoughts on men. I can't open up and reveal my true self until I know that she cares about me. Until that time, I keep a little fence up to protect myself.

I do understand your reasoning. As most of you know, I have had women take advantage of me (crush my soul when I figured out they only wanted me for gifts, money, etc)

[orthodoc]

Originally Posted by Big Sarge

I disagree with your thoughts on men. I can't open up and reveal my true self until I know that she cares about me. Until that time, I keep a little fence up to protect myself.

I do understand your reasoning. As most of you know, I have had women take advantage of me (crush my soul when I figured out they only wanted me for gifts, money, etc)

I only reason that way from experience. I know there's good and bad everywhere, but any time I've let a man know that I care, it's gone badly. Now I keep a big fence up. I was stupidly naive last year; after being humiliated, I read a few books and smacked myself in the head. I wish the books weren't right, but they seem to be, mostly. After being off the market for years I was easy pickings. Not going to happen again.

Being Zen is good. Just appreciating the positive and not investing.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by orthodoc

The biggest mistake I've ever made in relationships was letting the guy know I cared. Being caring and considerate brings out the worst. It seems women do better shutting down that aspect of themselves. As the lyrics go, "the less I give, the more I get back". Totally counter-intuitive.

Playing games sucks. Hearing, "I shouldn't have to tell you what I think/want, you should know," makes me ballistic.

[Ocean's Edge]

I went through a 9 yr marriage (15 yr relationship) when I was young ... that aside from being emotionally abusive - or maybe because it was often a game of trying to figure out how I needed to be/act/say what to tell, what to hold back in order to get what I wanted and needed.

Eventually - with 3 children aged 5 and under, one with severe disabilities - I was too bloody damned tired to play those kinds of games anymore - I started being straight up about what I wanted and needed and what was going on in our lives. It didn't make the relationship any better, but I was less exhausted and could then just move on with doing what I needed to do for me.

Once I finally got out of that - the one and only thing I knew was I'm just no bloody good at playing that kind of emotional chess.. and I didn't want to do that again. It was gonna have to be take me as I am, or walk away. It would be 8 years and a lot of crummy experiences before my head and my life were halfway straightened out where I could actually function in a healthy way in a healthy relationship and met a man who was literally everything I was looking for - it'd would be two more years before we actually got married. IMO you can't deal with LDR without being willing to own up to missing them, that 10,000 miles and getting together once every six months and skype hugs - just plain SUCKS. But I also knew I'd rather be alone, than to settle for anything less than 100% of myself, or himself.

The 16 months after the wedding before he was able to move back - sucked just as badly ... but he can't be held to blame. We both have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and overly optimistic hopes about how difficult things will go, and we're both way better at making plans to get chit done than doing it. So '3 months' to get the house ready for sale and process the immigration paperwork turned into 16...

We'd have never survived the trauma of all that - if we hadn't been completely open with each other. But yeah it left some sore spots.

We're both struggling with the scars that the stresses of the last two years since I tanked my career have left us with - the 'gun to our heads' getting the work done on the old place so it could be sold, the sale, the move, along with all our own individual and collectively baggage ... and now trying to figure out 'Ok, Now what?' but I think the only way we're going to get through that and heal and recover, is if we continue to be as direct and honest about where our heads are at and what we need and what we want. Sometimes like this morning, that's a little bit raw, but I don't think we could be any other way with each other and hope to have the relationship weather the storms.

I really can't be anything other than honest and direct with the man I waited my whole life for

[orthodoc]

The women who insist that others should be mind-readers make me ballistic too.

There are also men like that, men who make you feel entirely a failure if you don't guess every nuance of their little game. I just decline to play the game anymore. Don't have time for it.