Dad jokes

lumberjim · 10-17-2015, 01:44 PM

They don't watch the flintstones in Dubai. But Abu Dhabi do.

You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You will see one later and one in a while.

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot ;-)

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about 49cents and deer nuts are just under a buck.

what kind of luggage does a vulture take on a plane? Carrion.

Where are average things built? In the satisfactory.

A pet store had a bird contest. No perches necessary.

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.

Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "five beers please"

Lamplighter · 10-17-2015, 01:58 PM

More peas !

xoxoxoBruce · 10-17-2015, 02:20 PM

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

Did you hear about the runner who was criticized?
He just took it in stride.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...
You can hide but you can't run.

I've deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone.
Now it's Hans free.

Lone Ranger sees Tonto riding with a dustbin, "Where are you going Tonto?"
"to-the-dump-to-the dump-to-the-dump-dump dump..."

This bouncy castle's twice the price of last year
That's inflation for you!

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief?
He had loco motives

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.

lumberjim · 10-17-2015, 02:48 PM

I see you found the same twitter archive, lol...

xoxoxoBruce · 10-17-2015, 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim

I see you found the same twitter archive, lol...

No amount of sweat and toil is too much, in order to satisfy Lamplighter's desires.

DanaC · 10-17-2015, 03:08 PM

Quote:

They don't watch the flintstones in Dubai. But Abu Dhabi do.

That's the stoopidest joke i've heard in ages, but I am still laughing.

Gravdigr · 10-18-2015, 04:16 PM

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's blue and smells like green paint?

Blue paint.

lumberjim · 10-18-2015, 04:52 PM

When you tell the stick joke, follow it with :

What's brown and full of holes?

Swiss Shit.

Carruthers · 10-18-2015, 05:11 PM

Two parrots were sitting on a perch.

One says to the other 'Can you smell fish'?

infinite monkey · 10-18-2015, 05:19 PM

Guy gets pulled over by a cop. Cop sees the guy's backseat is full of penguins. "Sir, you can't have that you need to take those penguins to the zoo." Guy says OK.

Later on that day the same cop pulls the guy over, still with the penguins. "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo?"

Guy says "I did, now I'm taking them for ice cream. "

xoxoxoBruce · 10-25-2015, 07:04 PM

Don't blame Dad, he can't help it, it's a natural phenomenon that happens automatically.

Gravdigr · 10-29-2015, 02:17 PM

Didja hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

What's red, and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

busterb · 10-29-2015, 07:06 PM

Baby born in local hospital with both arms broken

Trying to hold on till after the wedding.

xoxoxoBruce · 12-26-2015, 05:17 PM

.

Gravdigr · 01-20-2016, 01:03 PM

Dad jokes

10-17-2015, 01:44 PM	#1
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	Dad jokes They don't watch the flintstones in Dubai. But Abu Dhabi do. You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents. How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You will see one later and one in a while. I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood? What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot ;-) How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints. What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about 49cents and deer nuts are just under a buck. what kind of luggage does a vulture take on a plane? Carrion. Where are average things built? In the satisfactory. A pet store had a bird contest. No perches necessary. Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester. Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "five beers please" __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

10-17-2015, 02:20 PM	#3
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter. Did you hear about the runner who was criticized? He just took it in stride. To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run. I've deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it's Hans free. Lone Ranger sees Tonto riding with a dustbin, "Where are you going Tonto?" "to-the-dump-to-the dump-to-the-dump-dump dump..." This bouncy castle's twice the price of last year That's inflation for you! Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the P is silent. Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief? He had loco motives Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

10-17-2015, 02:48 PM	#4
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	I see you found the same twitter archive, lol... __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

10-18-2015, 04:16 PM	#7
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	What's brown and sticky? A stick. What's blue and smells like green paint? Blue paint. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

10-18-2015, 04:52 PM	#8
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	When you tell the stick joke, follow it with : What's brown and full of holes? Swiss Shit. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

10-17-2015, 01:58 PM	#2
Lamplighter Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Bottom lands of the Missoula floods Posts: 6,402	More peas !

10-18-2015, 05:11 PM	#9
Carruthers Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Buckinghamshire UK Posts: 4,059	Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One says to the other 'Can you smell fish'? __________________

10-18-2015, 05:19 PM	#10
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002	Guy gets pulled over by a cop. Cop sees the guy's backseat is full of penguins. "Sir, you can't have that you need to take those penguins to the zoo." Guy says OK. Later on that day the same cop pulls the guy over, still with the penguins. "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo?" Guy says "I did, now I'm taking them for ice cream. "

10-25-2015, 07:04 PM	#11
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Don't blame Dad, he can't help it, it's a natural phenomenon that happens automatically. Attached Images __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

10-29-2015, 02:17 PM	#12
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Didja hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got six months. What's red, and bad for your teeth? A brick. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

10-29-2015, 07:06 PM	#13
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	Baby born in local hospital with both arms broken Trying to hold on till after the wedding. __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

12-26-2015, 05:17 PM	#14
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	. Attached Images __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-20-2016, 01:03 PM	#15
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Dad jokes __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

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