Humor...I Need Humor...

[mrnoodle]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began:
"Red..........cherry,"
Yellow.........lemon,"
Green........lime,"
Orange........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored lifesaver. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,

"Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!!"

[Chewbaccus]

A married couple is going through a vicious divorce, the worst item of contention being their two children. Each wants full custody of both kids, each is a good parent, and each has a very good lawyer.

The lawyers spend a good half-hour, forty-five minutes going back and forth over the merits of their client when finally the judge just has enough. The judge goes "That's it. No more from the lawyers, they can't solve this thing. Right now, I want to hear from the parents. Sir, madam, I'll give you each five minutes. In that five minutes, I want to hear why you think you should have custody over your children."

The mother went first, and delivered the stereotypical mother's plea: They're my children, I carried them for nine months, I nursed them, I raised them, I taught them, et cetera and et al. However, she says it with enough emotion that all in the room are touched, including the judge. The judge thanks the mother, bids her sit back down, then asks the father to begin his statement.

The father stands up, looks at the table for a moment, then goes "Your Honor...if I put a dollar in a Coke machine and the Coke comes out, who keeps it: me or the machine?"

[plthijinx]

HARD-DISK Woman
She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER!

WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.

EXCEL Woman
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman
She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!

INTERNET Woman
Difficult to access and hard to keep running!!!

SERVER Woman
Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman
She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman
She always has you on the move, going faster and faster!!!

E-MAIL Woman
Out of every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

VIRUS Woman
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.

[zippyt]

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

[BrianR]

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.

Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.

By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical."

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

[busterb]

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we m ust point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.! The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"

The loan was approved.

[plthijinx]

1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

[wolf]

After much consideration, I think this belongs here. (Tasteless jokes Almost got it, as did the Video Clippe thread, but this is betterer.

(Link has flash content ... safe for work. If you don't have sound in the workplace, just sing the supertitles to the Simon and Garfunkel tune.)

[xoxoxoBruce]

TOP 10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG!
3. Taking me for walks, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! WhoooHoooo-- what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for the "big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous

[BrianR]

----- Begin NetScrap(TM) -----

Feel the force Mother Fuc*er


The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson's
Character 'Jedi Master Mace Windu' Say in the Star
Wars Prequels.

10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these
ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.

9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause
even if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.

8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively,
have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room...
accept no substitutes.

7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna
do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.

6. Feel the Force, motherfucker.

5. What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce
on What?

4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!

3. Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What the brother
gonna do? He's a wookie.

2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?

1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, 'Bad MotherFucker.'


----- End NetScrap(TM) -----

[Happy Monkey]

I think Mace Windu's light saber actually does have "BMF" inscribed on it.

[BigV]

I passed, 30/30. All true. Enjoy.

You know you're true blue Pacific Northwest if...

1. You know the state flower (Mildew)

2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.

4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.

5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" Signal.

8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a
real mountain.

9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.

10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye Salmon.

11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima, and
Willamette.

12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.

13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, and Thai food.

14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark- while only
working eight-hour days.

15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and
"Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."

17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.

19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the
cloud cover.

20. You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can
actually see it.

21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear
your hiking boots and parka.

22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.

23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones
after such a long time.

26. You measure distance in hours.

27. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.

28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.

29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining
(Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk Season (Fall).

30. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them.
_________________

[xoxoxoBruce]

Not 22, BigV.....say it ain't so.

[cowhead]

yeah, I gotta go with xoxoxbruce on that one.. there used to be a band around here (that actually got a little exposure) I'll see if I can find the song 'wool socks and birkenstocks' by dangerbob... seattle sounds a hell of alot like lawrence, without the constant rain of course..

[BigV]

Guy walks by the petshop and sees a sign: Parrot: $20. Wow he thinks, I've always wanted a parrot, this must be my lucky day! He walks in and sees the bird, an enormous brilliant macaw, beautiful plumage [/monty python], looks completely healthy, well behaved. So now that little voice that says "caveat emptor" prompts him to ask the petshop owner to explain why the low low price.

The petshop owner says that he's had a hard time placing the bird because he's and adult and a big one, not a cute little baby to be trained, etc.

The guy asks, "Can he talk?"

"Um, sure" says the petshop owner. Suspicious, like. Finally the petshop owner comes clean and confesses. "Yes, he can talk. But that the bird swears like a sailor, he can make Hells Angels cry, he swears for 10 minutes straight without repeating himself, and no one wants a bird that cusses loudly all the time."

Now the guy is torn. Is this the fatal flaw? Arrrrgh! Well, for $20 he decides to take a chance, they do the deal and the bird goes home with the guy.

A couple of weeks pass and the guy comes back to the petshop for some bird supplies. The owner is pleasantly surprised to see the man and not the bird and asks how things are going.

"Great, great, really great." says the guy.

"No problems with the, um, swearing?" asks the petshop owner.

"Well, at first it was cute and then it kind of got out of hand. So I told the bird that he needed to cool down."

"That worked? Cool down?"

"Yeah, sure. That is one really intelligent bird. Gentle as a lamb now."

Petshop owner deals with animals all the time and knows there's more to the story and when pressed the guy admits it.

"Actually, I put him in the freezer. After a minute or two of a helluva racket, he quieted down. I took him out and all was well after that."

"He stopped talking?!"

"No, he just calmly climbed onto my outstretched arm and said, 'Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.'"

The petshop owner is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. so he asks "That's it?"

"Oh no," the guy replies "he did say one more thing: 'By the way, what did that chicken ever do to you?'"