Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce. - Page 5

Beestie · 12-18-2005, 03:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

why is it that there is only one thing that i've ever truly valued enough to dedicate all of my energy to succeed at... and that is the one thing that i apparently have failed at?

How she feels is not a function of you. And in terms of what the future holds, how she feels going forward is also not a function of you. I'm not trying to sound clinical but I do think its critical that you grasp the reality that what she does may have nothing to do with what you do. This is the very definition of a failed relationship.

I'm not giving advice but from where I stand, I have a concern that you are letting your guard down and are positioning yourself to be taken advantage of. I'd at least think about going on the offensive - I'm not suggesting that you do only that you consider it.

Undertoad · 12-18-2005, 06:04 AM

A marvelous hint someone gave to me at about this point: if some aspect seems too overwhemling to consider, just *don't* consider it. The financial? The offspring? The future lifestyle? The fine details can wait until there's less to think about.

richlevy · 12-18-2005, 12:20 PM

Not to be too trite, but to paraphrase the Graduate.

Three words. Just three words. Divorced soccer moms.

xoxoxoBruce · 12-18-2005, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Undertoad

A marvelous hint someone gave to me at about this point: if some aspect seems too overwhemling to consider, just *don't* consider it. The financial? The offspring? The future lifestyle? The fine details can wait until there's less to think about.

Excellent point!

Considering all the variables, planning details before they come up is just a waste of time and energy. Decide and stick to, principles and values that are important to you and the details will work themselves out.

lookout123 · 12-18-2005, 11:09 PM

it is very difficult to operate normally with the 1000 lb elephant in the room. last night was great fun, hanging out, BSing, etc. we woke up and all was wellonlu fun family functions in the morning before church. church was great. we finally get back home and the little one is down for a nap.

she was reading mail and i came up from behind and hugged her tightly. one thing led to another and we ended up having th best sex we've had in quite a while.

she's been more friendly but distant since then. it is a roll of the dice to see what comes tomorrow.

12-19-2005, 12:36 AM

It sounds very crazy making and difficult, Lookout. Sorry she is putting you through this.

lookout123 · 12-19-2005, 10:32 PM

how can one be bored in a "humdrum" routine when in the last 12 months, we've been to Rocky Point, Mexico 3 times, Flagstaff 3 times, San Diego, Las Vegas, New Orleans, Illinois, Spain, Italy, and France. we've spent 12 days on cruise ships in the last six months. WTF?

Trilby · 12-19-2005, 10:56 PM

Lookout, it's not YOU, it's HER. It's not your lifestyle, it's HER. You two have been all over and done amazing, fun, happy things. If she finds that "humdrum"--oh, my. Clearly, she is not appreciating the fine things life has given to her-yourself included.

Sun_Sparkz · 12-19-2005, 10:57 PM

"Routine" can be more than just day to day living you know. There can be routine in your kiss, routine in sex, routine in the way you always order cab sav instead of trying local wines, routine in attitudes, routine in television watching habits, routine in one partner always being the one to make coffee in the morning.

not that i'm saying that this may be applicable to you, but it is for me... my partner and i travel a lot too but i too get frusterated in our routine.. even though no 2 weeks are the same, i still get frusterated at his attitudes and his need to eat gormet pizzas no matter where we go, and his inability to refrain from pulling a stupid face in every photo.

But then again.. these things dont make me want to leave him.. just slap him around a bit.

xoxoxoBruce · 12-20-2005, 07:32 PM

Quote:

But then again.. these things dont make me want to leave him.. just slap him around a bit.

You've told us, have you told him?

12-20-2005, 07:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

how can one be bored in a "humdrum" routine when in the last 12 months, we've been to Rocky Point, Mexico 3 times, Flagstaff 3 times, San Diego, Las Vegas, New Orleans, Illinois, Spain, Italy, and France. we've spent 12 days on cruise ships in the last six months. WTF?

Stop taking her to Flagstaff, Lookout! There's the problem! Even I go to Flagstaff! Oh, and Illinois? PU-LEEZ! Also, New Orleans doesn't count unless you took her there for Katrina.

Lookout, she's grabbing excuses out of the thin air! I still think someone else may be in the picture. Hate to say it, but that's what it smells like to this girl.

Bored? Try spoiled!

Rock Steady · 12-20-2005, 08:13 PM

Well, I just want to add my support, lookout. These people have said some very relevant things here. The main thing is that she doesn't know how good she has it, and no one can tell her verbally.

Doctor Beren · 12-21-2005, 04:24 AM

Lookout, you don't know me, but this thread is just heartbreaking, and for what it's worth, my $0.02:

Depressed people hate themselves, and your wife certainly sounds like she's depressed. If you hate yourself, you develop a certain contempt for people who adore you. I suspect this is at least part of what's happening.

Continue with the counselling. But, at the same time, get a lawyer immediately and protect your assets. Refuse to move out. After all, she's the one who wants to be alone. She should be the one living in a cramped apartment, not you. Finally, I'd say you should connect how you treat her to her behavior. Don't be sweet and kind to her when she's feeding you all kinds of bullshit about never loving you or your not making enough money. Get mad; or freeze her out. Be selfish. It might suddenly hit her that, no, she can't count on your unconditional love for all eternity, and that you won't carry a torch for her forever after she's gone.

yesman065 · 12-21-2005, 07:30 AM

You go Doc! I feel like I'm in similar boat as you Lookout, only much less. Everyone tells me I should freeze her out, be calm cool and collected. Act aloof. Let her know that she really may not have you if she acts like an asshole. She may have someone else and be too weak and small a person to leave so she's trying to get you to do it. Fuck that! Let her deal with the situation she created. She wants out - let her leave. She wants a divorce - let her go and get it. I am desperately trying to learn the same principles. Cover your ass and your kids, cuz no matter what happens you'll always be Dad and as he grows he'll learn the truth about how this all went down, who cared for him and know who his true "parent" is!

xoxoxoBruce · 12-21-2005, 05:00 PM

Wecome to the Cellar, Doc Beren.

Stick around, you'll find all kinds of interesting people here.

12-18-2005, 12:20 PM	#63
richlevy King Of Wishful Thinking Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Philadelphia Suburbs Posts: 6,669	Not to be too trite, but to paraphrase the Graduate. Three words. Just three words. Divorced soccer moms. __________________ Exercise your rights and remember your obligations - VOTE! I have always believed that hope is that stubborn thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us so long as we have the courage to keep reaching, to keep working, to keep fighting. -- Barack Hussein Obama

12-19-2005, 10:56 PM	#68
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	Lookout, it's not YOU, it's HER. It's not your lifestyle, it's HER. You two have been all over and done amazing, fun, happy things. If she finds that "humdrum"--oh, my. Clearly, she is not appreciating the fine things life has given to her-yourself included. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

12-19-2005, 10:57 PM	#69
Sun_Sparkz Has Body Temperature Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: I come from a land downunder Posts: 1,105	"Routine" can be more than just day to day living you know. There can be routine in your kiss, routine in sex, routine in the way you always order cab sav instead of trying local wines, routine in attitudes, routine in television watching habits, routine in one partner always being the one to make coffee in the morning. not that i'm saying that this may be applicable to you, but it is for me... my partner and i travel a lot too but i too get frusterated in our routine.. even though no 2 weeks are the same, i still get frusterated at his attitudes and his need to eat gormet pizzas no matter where we go, and his inability to refrain from pulling a stupid face in every photo. But then again.. these things dont make me want to leave him.. just slap him around a bit. __________________ We'll never be as young as we are right now

12-20-2005, 08:13 PM	#72
Rock Steady Day Tripper Join Date: May 2005 Location: Silicon Valley Posts: 784	Well, I just want to add my support, lookout. These people have said some very relevant things here. The main thing is that she doesn't know how good she has it, and no one can tell her verbally. __________________

12-21-2005, 07:30 AM	#74
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	You go Doc! I feel like I'm in similar boat as you Lookout, only much less. Everyone tells me I should freeze her out, be calm cool and collected. Act aloof. Let her know that she really may not have you if she acts like an asshole. She may have someone else and be too weak and small a person to leave so she's trying to get you to do it. Fuck that! Let her deal with the situation she created. She wants out - let her leave. She wants a divorce - let her go and get it. I am desperately trying to learn the same principles. Cover your ass and your kids, cuz no matter what happens you'll always be Dad and as he grows he'll learn the truth about how this all went down, who cared for him and know who his true "parent" is! Last edited by yesman065; 12-21-2005 at 09:02 AM.

12-18-2005, 06:04 AM	#62
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	A marvelous hint someone gave to me at about this point: if some aspect seems too overwhemling to consider, just don't consider it. The financial? The offspring? The future lifestyle? The fine details can wait until there's less to think about.

12-18-2005, 11:09 PM	#65
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	it is very difficult to operate normally with the 1000 lb elephant in the room. last night was great fun, hanging out, BSing, etc. we woke up and all was wellonlu fun family functions in the morning before church. church was great. we finally get back home and the little one is down for a nap. she was reading mail and i came up from behind and hugged her tightly. one thing led to another and we ended up having th best sex we've had in quite a while. she's been more friendly but distant since then. it is a roll of the dice to see what comes tomorrow.

12-19-2005, 12:36 AM	#66
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	It sounds very crazy making and difficult, Lookout. Sorry she is putting you through this.

12-19-2005, 10:32 PM	#67
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	how can one be bored in a "humdrum" routine when in the last 12 months, we've been to Rocky Point, Mexico 3 times, Flagstaff 3 times, San Diego, Las Vegas, New Orleans, Illinois, Spain, Italy, and France. we've spent 12 days on cruise ships in the last six months. WTF?

12-21-2005, 04:24 AM	#73
Doctor Beren Kinda New Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1	Lookout, you don't know me, but this thread is just heartbreaking, and for what it's worth, my $0.02: Depressed people hate themselves, and your wife certainly sounds like she's depressed. If you hate yourself, you develop a certain contempt for people who adore you. I suspect this is at least part of what's happening. Continue with the counselling. But, at the same time, get a lawyer immediately and protect your assets. Refuse to move out. After all, she's the one who wants to be alone. She should be the one living in a cramped apartment, not you. Finally, I'd say you should connect how you treat her to her behavior. Don't be sweet and kind to her when she's feeding you all kinds of bullshit about never loving you or your not making enough money. Get mad; or freeze her out. Be selfish. It might suddenly hit her that, no, she can't count on your unconditional love for all eternity, and that you won't carry a torch for her forever after she's gone.

12-21-2005, 05:00 PM	#75
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Wecome to the Cellar, Doc Beren. Stick around, you'll find all kinds of interesting people here. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

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