Humor...I Need Humor...

[lookout123]

wait... too big? what kind of dwarf condoms are you guys used to?

[BigV]

pssst. the rest of us don't put them over *that* head.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Why do you think he shaves his head?

[spudcon]

Looks normal to me.

[lookout123]

what? you don't cover your whole body? ewwww. fluids!

[Sheldonrs]

I just thought it was an anal wart.

[Cloud]

Dave Barry and Dancing Queen!

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal

... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, Reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; alI I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?

Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than decade.

If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...'.. and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

[jester]

What Starts with F and ends with K


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter
than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the
boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'


Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'


Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'


Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a
question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry:
'Pants.'


Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry:
'Coconut.'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble
gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.


Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

[skysidhe]

jib jab

http://sendables.jibjab.com/

[jester]

What is a Yankee?


The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the

Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?


Doughnuts

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?


Because those men already have boyfriends.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?


Because they have cotton balls.

Did you hear about the Chinese

couple that had a blonde baby?


They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'

[Crimson Ghost]

Two little boys are in Auschwitz.
One walks into the shower and finds the other rubbing his erect penis vigorously with a bar of soap.
"Hey, what are you doing?" he asks.
The other little boy replies "I'm fucking your mother!"

True story.

-----------

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.

"Well" the father said, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a fucking asshole!”

-----------

Two guys are walking down 5th Ave.
One is dragging his left foot, while the other is dragging his right foot.
The first guy looks at the second guy, says "Landmine, Viet Nam, '69."
The other guy says "Dogshit, half a block ago, 10 minutes ago."

[TheMercenary]

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

I knew it was too big to be a condom
I have blue hair now, not blonde

But I couldn't work out what on earth it could be - I assumed it must be something common or the joke didn't work.

No worries SG. It is known as dip, or snuff, chew is a bit different as that is usually chewing tobacco. Most boys in their teens start using it, sort of like smoking cigs (fags), without the smoke, hence it is also known as smokeless tobacco. Very habit forming, just like smoking. Most common in the rural South, Midwest, and Western states. Kids in New Jersey would have little experience with it. Things have changed a bit from when it was popular in the 70's and 80's, but people still do it. You could alway tell people who had dip because even when the can was not in their pocket, the outline of the can wears out the material on the back pocket like the pic, so it sort of marks you as a cowboy, or from a more rural area. Kids who start do it for the purpose as a status symbol, esp the kids who lived on the farms. That is my experience anyway.

[skysidhe]

Originally Posted by TheMercenary

No worries SG. It is known as dip, or snuff, chew is a bit different as that is usually chewing tobacco. Most boys in their teens start using it, sort of like smoking cigs (fags), .

umm merc. do people use the word 'fag' anymore when asking for a smoke? Me thinks not. :P

well ok if your an old guy asking for a fag maybe you'd just get laughed at ( behind your back ) but a young teen asking for a fag? nah, not these days humphery.

[xoxoxoBruce]

They do in England where SG lives. I'll bet he used the term intentionally because he was addressing her.

[Sundae]

Still in common use here Sky.
Someone taking a cigarette break is more likely to call it a fag break than anything else.

I run a tuck box here at work and was asked if I could put cigarettes in it by the artists. I'm often asked, "Any fags left in the tuck box?" Okay we don't have any teens working here, but the 20-somethings still use the term.