Humor...I Need Humor...

[capnhowdy]

MUST OWN BOAT

[morethanpretty]

From: Girls with Slingshots

[Spexxvet]

Originally Posted by Shawnee123

..Even with those crazy crazy grandiose things you men are asking for, you STILL have a better chance of finding one of those women than any woman has of finding that guy in the woman's poem.
...

That's because the guy in the poem is gay.:p

[Crimson Ghost]

He's not gay. He just got sucked into the lifestyle.

[capnhowdy]

There's nothing worse than for a man to discover a ruptured condom after sex. Especially if you weren't wearing one.

[capnhowdy]

Why do most women prefer to be on the bottom during sex?

Because all they know how to do is fuck up.

[classicman]

WAL MART INTERVIEW


Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants..'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

[classicman]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick...got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what You say and I feel great. I be at work soon...you got nice house too."

[Radar]

*** BREAKING NEWS ***

Kanye West just interrupted Patrick Swayze's funeral to let everyone know that Michael Jackson's funeral was better.

[monster]

[classicman]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.


I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing a gale, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and Little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it ... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah,' I said, 'she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started .....

_______________________________________________________________________


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started ........

[classicman]

Little Johnny

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me
Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, a bright Navajo Indian boy, who had his hand up: "Patrick
Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the
Earth?'"

Again, no response except from Little Johnny. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Little Johnny knows more about history than you
do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862.."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared around and asked, "All right!!! Now who said that!?"

Again, Little Johnny said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying
against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're screwed!"

Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008"

[Gravdigr]

Little Johnny, age six, says "Daddy, can I borrow twenty bucks for a new bicycle?" Johnny's Dad says "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Johnny says "No." Dad says "Well, there's your answer."
Little Johnny, age seventeen, asks his Dad "Dad, can I borrow the car tonight?" Dad responds "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Johnny says "As a matter of fact, it can." Dad says "Well, go fuck yourself, you ain't getting the car."

[Bob R]

The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.


To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.


But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.


But the Chemist said his cat could do better.


He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.


Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
ate the cookies.........
drank the milk.......
sh*t on the paper........
screwed the other three cats.......
claimed he injured his back while doing so.......
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
put in for Workers Compensation................
And went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............


AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

[SteveDallas]

"T-square?" How old is that joke?