Humor...I Need Humor...

[Pete Zicato]

Originally Posted by classicman

Why aren't you bitching that Pete's joke should be in the political humor thread?

I looked for it (some). I didn't see it.

[classicman]

Wasn't directed at you, Pete. I really don't care. I thought it was funny.

[HungLikeJesus]

Shouldn't that be in the sports humor thread?

[classicman]

Pete Zicato
Now where did I put that...

HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by classicman

Why aren't you bitching that Pete's joke should be in the political humor thread?

What part of PICTURES don't you understand.

[classicman]

You must have missed her bitching at me when the joke was about Obama.

[xoxoxoBruce]

That wasn't my concern, several people have inserted political jokes from time to time. I was pointing out we have a thread for the political "humor" pictures.

[morethanpretty]

Originally Posted by classicman

You must have missed her bitching at me when the joke was about Obama.

Please link.

There is a thread for the political pictures, and I think its been asked repeatedly that this thread not get political. Political jokes one way or another contribute to that. Sure, its impossible not to offend certain people, but just try to keep the flame wars contained.

Since this thread is for jokes:

[GunMaster357]

Ah! I have lost the count of "Customers will buy a more powerful server".

[xoxoxoBruce]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, ‘I’m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, ’99′.

The guy obeys and says, ’99′.

The doctor says, ‘Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, ’99.’

Again, the guy says, ’99.’

The doctor said, ‘Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, ’99.’

The guy begins, ‘One .. Two ….. Three’.

[footfootfoot]

Mr. Perkins come down to my place this mornin', and asked me if I would build him a new privy.

I said, "Mr. Perkins, where was you aimin' for to build it?"

He said, "To the side of the lot, by the lilacs. And that'll be real pleasant in the spring."

Well I said, "Mr. Perkins, It's your privy."

And I got so far as the floor-boards when Mr Perkins come out and he said,

"Sy, I've been thinkin' some more about this privy. And if it's to the side of the lot by the lilacs, it's gonna be awful far in the winter. If it was over this side of the lot by the chestnuts, it'd be much more convenient in them cold winter months."

Well I said, "Mr. Perkins, It's your privy."

Well I got so far as the roofin' and Mr. Perkins come out and he said,

"Sy, I've been thinkin' some more about this privy of mine. And it seems to me if it's this side of the lot by the chestnuts, what with the prevailing wind being south south-west, and the house standin' just nor nor-east of that privy, it's gonna be awful uncomfortable for the lady folks in the kitchen during the summer months. So I think if we had this privy half-way between the lilacs and the chestnuts, then neither would it be too far in the winter nor too close in the summer."

Well I said, "Mr. Perkins, It's your privy."

Well I got so far as what you might call the interior decorating, when Mr. Perkins come out, and he was all het up.

And he said, "Consarn it Sy! I told you from the very start that I wanted a two-hole privy and there you've gone ahead and framed it up as a one-holer."

Well I said, "Mr. Perkins, It's your privy and I don't want to seem to be dictating to you or nothing like that, but it seemed to me that if I'd framed it up as a two holer, and you'd come out to it some night shall we say 'Pressed for Time'... before you made up your mind which one of them two holes to set on it'd be too late, that's all."

[Gravdigr]

Sundae's 'mouse cock' comment put this in mind:

Once there was a mouse who's sole fantasy in life was to make love to a woman. A real woman, a human woman. He was relating his fantasy to a rat bartender he knew, when the rat said, "Ya know, I can help ya out with that." The mouse says "Whaddya mean?" "Weeellll, I've been known to help out the odd traveling salesman, or whatever, who finds himself in need of companionship when in unfamiliar territory. Might be that I know a lady that might just help you out, if you've got the money." He said he had cash on hand, and to put him in touch with this helpful lady. The rat gives him a slip of paper with an address, "Tell her Nick sent ya.". And the mouse went away happy as a mouse about to get laid.

The mouse returns to the bar the next night. And, boy, did he look rough, like he'd been through the wringer. The rat says to him, "Man! Is your ass draggin'! You look like hell, how'd it go?"

The mouse looked up through ruffled fur and bloodshot eyes and said: "Nick, between kissin' and fuckin', I musta ran 600 miles last night."

[BigV]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, ‘I’m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, ’99′.

The guy obeys and says, ’99′.

The doctor says, ‘Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, ’99.’

Again, the guy says, ’99.’

The doctor said, ‘Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, ’99.’

The guy begins, ‘One .. Two ….. Three’.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I'm gonna use this one the next time we play "doctor".

[xoxoxoBruce]

One night a police officer named Mike returned home at 3:00 a.m. after working the graveyard shift. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark and got in bed with his wife.

As soon as he settled in she said, “Honey, can you go over to the drug store and pick me up some aspirin?”

Mike agreed to go, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the drug store. When he got to the drug store, he got the aspirin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up.

The clerk looked at him for a moment and asked, “Say, aren’t you Mike Murphy?”
Mike answered him and said, “Yes I am.”

The clerk looked puzzled and asked, “Well, aren’t you a police officer?”
And again Mike replied yes.

The clerk scratched his head for a second and said, “Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?”

[ZenGum]

Following on from gravigr's joke ...

Not content with some Human lovin', the randy mouse had one more fantasy to live out. He wanted to have sex with an elephant. so, off he went to the zoo, where he spent hours lurking around the elephant enclosure, plotting, scheming, trying to figure out how he could get a chance with the amazingly sexy she-elephant.

As he watched, a rat approached. The rat was Rick, Nick's cousin, and he was well connected at the zoo. The two got talking and a few minutes later, the deal was done. Cash passed from paw to paw, and Rick scurried off to arrange things with the elephant keeper.

A few minutes later the she-elephant was led into the holding pen out the back, and Rick appeared, waving the mouse in. In he went, climbed up the elephant's leg, and got straight to work. The elephant just rolled her eyes and ignored it as best she could.

In the next enclosure was a monkey, sitting near the top of a tree, holding a coconut. As he looked over the wall, he saw the mouse frantically humping the elephant, and began to laugh. He laughed so hard he eventually dropped his coconut, and it bounced of the wall and hit the elephant clean on the head, THWACK!

The elephant yelled out "OOOooowwwww!!!!"

The mouse yelled "take it all, bitch!"