Humor...I Need Humor...

[GunMaster357]

.

[Lamplighter]

This was the Google News menu today... it supports what I have known all along...

[Sheldonrs]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?'


Happy Mental Health Day!

[Gravdigr]

[TheMercenary]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you
can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-
lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in
getting your ass kicked..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan
tpye reel Gode.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[classicman]

Crushed ego sends Newt to hospital

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has been hospitalized after collapsing this morning outside of a diner in Davenport, Iowa. The former speaker had just left a sparsely attended “meet and greet” at Annie’s Coffee Shop when he was confronted by ABC news reporter Jake Tapper, who asked Mr. Gingrich to explain why so many of his former colleagues have said that he is too unstable to be president. Mr. Gingrich glared at Mr. Tapper for several seconds before cursing, stumbling backward and then crashing through a nearby display window, reportedly filled with ladies clothing.

Sources at Mencken General Hospital say that Mr. Gingrich, who has recently been the target of millions of dollars in negative ads, is being treated for a severely damaged ego. He is unconscious and currently in intensive care. One hospital source, who insisted on anonymity, said the Iowa facility is ill-equipped to properly treat the candidate. “Frankly, we’ve never seen an ego this large and fragile,” said the doctor. “We’re doing our best, but they will probably have to airlift him back to D.C.”

[TheMercenary]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt


to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a


short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic


moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her


husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"


"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.


"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."


He never heard the gunshot.

[Gravdigr]

I can't help but hear Troy Landry's (from "Swamp People") voice when I read this:

Boudreaux and Trosclair were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics at de Bayou Teche, Louisiana, International Airport. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Boudreaux say, 'Man, I wish we had somtin to drink!'

Trosclair say, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz.’

So dey pour demselves a couple of glasses of high octane gas an get completely smashed.

De next morning Boudreaux wake himsef’ up and is surprise at how good he feel. In fact he feel GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nuttin!

Then de phone ring. It's Trosclair.

Trosclair say, 'Hey, how you are dis morning?'

Boudreaux say, 'Man, I feel great, how bout you?'

Trosclair say, 'I feel great, too. You don' have a hangover?'

Boudreaux say, 'No dat jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nuttin’. We ought to do dis more often..'

Trosclair say, ' Yeah, well dey's just one t’in g.'

'What's that?'

'Have you passed gas yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Omaha!'

[Scriveyn]

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

This was the Google News menu today... it supports what I have known all along...
Attachment 36022

These kids at NASA don't know a 45rpm vinyl when they see one.

[Gravdigr]

Record-sized...

[Gravdigr]

[classicman]

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(O.M.G.!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)
... The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Talk about a southpaw.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

[GunMaster357]

So, when a girl says that you're a pig when you have sex, she's lauding you with praise

[Pete Zicato]

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,

While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

Regards,
The Opportunist

[Gravdigr]

Hee.