Opinions wanted

[Sheldonrs]

I think I may have posted something about this a while back but some new info has come up.

My parents divorced when I was about 7 years old, around 1967. My father, from what I can remember and what my mother and sisters have told me over the years, he was a gambler, abusive, drinker, jerk.
I'm not even sure the few "memories" I have of him are mine or just what was told to me. The last time I saw him was when I was around 10.
Anyway, when our Mom found out she was dying in 1996, she applied for disabilty since she could no longer work. The state of New Jersey told her she could also collect from her ex' social security since she had been married to him for enough years, even though he had remarried (the woman he had cheated on my Mom with).
We assumed this meant our father had died and made some enquiries.
The state said they could give out any info unless we filled out some forms and paid the fees. Since none of us was that interested, we let it drop.
Periodically I would do some internet searches for an obituary, just to find out how he died, for medical background info. Never found anything until 2010. I did a search again and came across this article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/14/re...Njzo.html?_r=0

Imagine my surprise to find out he was still alive. He'd be 84 now. I never intended to contact him and still don't want to try.

Now for the new development: My sisters received a letter in the mail from some friend of our father named Mary, addressed to both of my sisters with my name mentioned in the letter, asking us to call her because our Father is trying to get in touch with us.
It didn't say why he didn't write to us himself.

My question is: What do you think you would do in these circumstance?

I already told my sisters that, since the Times article points out that there won't be any inheritance, there's no need to contact him.

[infinite monkey]

Oh gosh, Sheldon. There are chances for redemption around every corner. This may or may not be one of them. I think you should call her, even if not for anything other than curiosity. If whatever doesn't work out then you won't have lost anything.

That's just mho.

[Sheldonrs]

Thanks IM. The only reason I can think of to contact them would be to let him know his only son is gay. :-)

[infinite monkey]

There's a bit of poetic justice in that, no?

[Sheldonrs]

Originally Posted by infinite monkey

There's a bit of poetic justice in that, no?

I do love me some poetry. LOL I'd get to use the word Nantuckhim in that poem. hahahaha

[Undertoad]

Maybe he can't write for himself because he's disabled

Or maybe Mary just wants him to have that redemption and he hasn't asked for it.

It would be charitable to get in contact but reasonably cautious not to expect anything particularly special.

[Sundae]

Be yourself Sheldon.
Personally I'd say make the contact because it's not a chance that will happen for much longer and you never know what you will look back on and regret not happening.

Just accept that this is a man who shares your genes and nothing else.
Like if a genealogy search turned up a third cousin twice removed (no, I don't understand that either, I think it's only important in landed titles). You'd want to meet them out of curiosity at least.
This man is not a father to you. And he obviously isn't trying to be now.
You were a spurt of sperm as far as he was concerned.
But you were born, you grew up and you became your own man. I have no idea what you are like IRL, but on the Cellar you are special, witty, cutting and enormously generous.

That man lost out. Never mind.
Just don't lose out yourself.
If you really don't think you will miss out, have nothing to do with him. You succeeded already.

[glatt]

Originally Posted by Sundae

a third cousin twice removed (no, I don't understand that either, I think it's only important in landed titles).

It would mean that you share a common ancestor. Your great great grandparent is their great great great great grandparent. Or it could be the other way around.


I would probably respond to the request to get back in touch. But not expect much from it. And probably keep my guard up.

[lumberjim]

You might want his medical history. Just so you know what to watch for

[BigV]

Sheldon, I think Sundae spoke most eloquently about this and I second her thoughts. I would view it as a chance to learn something positive with a small chance to have something bad happen. Really, what have you got to lose? **I** would do it, but I don't have your experiences.

Speaking of experiences and memories, I don't think there's much difference in the sources of the things you regard as your memories now, what you experienced and what you were told of your conditions at the time. They're your memories now.

I wish you and your sisters the very best.

[Sheldonrs]

Thanks everyone. My sisters and I are agreed that we'll just ignore it.

My way of thinking is, I usually have a very good reason for everything I do. I have to assume there's a good reason why I don't remember my childhood and I don't want to mess up who I am now by finding out who I was and what happened to me then.

[BigV]

There you have it.

Good answer.

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by infinite monkey

There are chances for redemption around every corner. This may or may not be one of them.

This.

Originally Posted by lumberjim

You might want his medical history. Just so you know what to watch for

And this.

Originally Posted by Sheldonrs

Thanks everyone. My sisters and I are agreed that we'll just ignore it.

I'm not sure I could ignore it.

I hope, for you, that you've made the right decision, but, ultimately, what's right is what you feel is right, and that's what's important.

This is a tough spot, for sure.

[Aliantha]

I would probably do it because i would die of curiosity otherwise.

[Pico and ME]

Originally Posted by Sheldonrs

Thanks everyone. My sisters and I are agreed that we'll just ignore it.

My way of thinking is, I usually have a very good reason for everything I do. I have to assume there's a good reason why I don't remember my childhood and I don't want to mess up who I am now by finding out who I was and what happened to me then.

I don't think the adult you are now could be anyway adversely affected by the knowledge of the child you didn't know you were then. Unless you wanted it to do so.

But there is no harm in ignoring the request.