What is pissing you off this time?

[Clodfobble]

Yeah, it came back up shortly after I wrote that. Apparently all I had to do was complain. Squeaky wheel gets the bandwidth.

[Gravdigr]

Popdigr's tv apparently took a shit last night. He was watching when the sound went out, it didn't come back, so he turned the tv off and went to bed. I got up this morning (afternoon) and the tv won't even turn on, w/the remote, nor the power button.

Now he has to decide whether to have it looked at, or just go get another tv. Could be a power supply issue, but, that wouldn't explain the sound going out, I mean, I guess it could, but, it doesn't gibe.

For about a hundred bucks over what it would cost to have looked at/get fixed, he could probably get as good or better a tv new.

[classicman]

My ex-wife. I know, no shock there. Well lets see ... Imma ramble a bit here, cuz I'm really PISSED.

After my son's accident, she sued me for custody while he was still in a friggin coma. This is because we were told he would never emancipate and if she regained custody, then I would pay her child support for the rest of his life! I fought and won. We settled so she would get Wednesday nights, every other weekend and a week in the summer.

To this day she has routinely not upheld her side of the deal even though I have been EXTREMELY flexible. That makes planning anything very difficult - just sayin'.

For the last 3 years, she has probably seen him once a month, if that. Heck, after stipulating that I couldn't move more than 50 miles away; she decided to divorce her 2nd husband and move to the beach (100+ miles away.) Now its come play at the beach. Every time she has him her Facebook page is littered with the "mother of the year" & I love my kids so much" pictures. Sickening really.

Anyway. So she is taking him this weekend. Daniel LIVES to go to his HS football games every Fri nite. She knows this. Big issue that she has to wait till 9 when the game is over - tough shit, IMO - err rather welcome to parenthood.

This weekend she wanted to take him to the beach for family time with her parents. No problem. Fri night when she shows up, her new BF is driving and they are all gong together. Daniel strongly dislikes the guy. And now the fun begins. Aside from the "mother of the year" posts on FB, she tells me they aren't going to be home when we agreed. She has decided that they are coming back later as she wants to watch the Eagles game with her dad (4:00 start time). This means that Dan won't be home till 10pm at best.

Since his accident, Daniel is EXTREMELY routine oriented and disrupting that makes things difficult for him and those around him. He has been texting me for the last two hours about wanting to come home earlier, but she won't let him. I'm pissed off on a number of fronts, not the least of which is that his bedtime routine takes almost an hour. He won't be asleep till probably 11 and then has to get up at 6:30 for his morning routine. He has to be at work at 8:30. This will throw his routine off for days. This whole week he'll be off. We've done this before and discussed it and assurances were made that "we" wouldn't do it again.

I suggested that Daniel explain/discuss coming home earlier with her. I'm trying to get him to be more independent and discuss what HE wants/needs with others. He says she refused to talk about it, they are staying for dinner and then watching the game with Pap, then going home afterward.
I then get an extremely long, immature expletive laced text directly from her concluding with "deal with it" & her infamous signoff - "Peace & Love"

How is it that someone who is almost 50 still doesn't get that its not about what she WANTS, but what Daniel NEEDS? WTF? Am I totally wrong for being pissed off or is it just me being the "controlling bastard" I'm always accused of being?

[limey]

It's not you. It's her. Feel free to be pissed off. Peace & Love

[sexobon]

Originally Posted by classicman

... Daniel LIVES to go to his HS football games every Fri nite. She knows this. Big issue that she has to wait till 9 when the game is over - tough shit ...

Originally Posted by classicman

... She has decided that they are coming back later as she wants to watch the Eagles game with her dad (4:00 start time). This means that Dan won't be home till 10pm at best. ... I then get an extremely long, immature expletive laced text directly from her concluding with "deal with it" ...

Tit for tat.

Originally Posted by classicman

... How is it that someone who is almost 50 still doesn't get that its not about what she WANTS, but what Daniel NEEDS?

From the outside looking in on this fragment from your perspective, it seems the disparity is between what the two of you consider real needs versus perceived needs.

Is Dan capable of posting on his mother's FB page; or, having his own on which to post his perspective on what impact these decisions have during the days immediately following disruption of his routine?

[classicman]

Perhaps you are unaware that Dan is cognitively disabled.

What tit for tat???

To me, its always about her and whats she wants. She does the same shit with the other two kids. The issue here is that it is BAD for Daniel to be home later than 8:30pm. She knows this. This is her intentionally being a dick.
I'm not sure what you are talking about - please elaborate.

[sexobon]

Originally Posted by classicman

Perhaps you are unaware that Dan is cognitively disabled. ...

Originally Posted by classicman

... He has been texting me for the last two hours about wanting to come home earlier, but she won't let him. ...

To elaborate, perhaps you can use what he can do (i.e. express his feelings in a recorded venue) in a venue your ex values, - FB. It doesn't have to be an analysis by Dan, it could just be examples of his feelings after disruption of his routine. They don't have to be posted by Dan himself; but, there has to be something by Dan (e.g. saved text messages) to back them up. Perhaps your ex won't find her reputation on FB as easy to blow off as she does you. Achilles' heel?:

Originally Posted by classicman

... Every time she has him her Facebook page is littered with the "mother of the year" & I love my kids so much" pictures. Sickening really. ...

[DanaC]

Classic: you're the one who cares for Dan on a day to day basis. You understand his needs. You are not being unreasonable expecting her to put his needs before her own. She is being unreasonable.

[Clodfobble]

Strictly speaking--and I'm not necessarily advocating this, I'm just saying--if the custody order has her returning him at a certain time, and she doesn't, you can call the cops on her and they will absolutely show up. Most likely just give her a talking-to, not charge her with kidnapping or anything, but it might get through to her. And if you have documentation of repeated offenses involving police officers, you could potentially file for sole custody with no visitation in the future, assuming you feel she's that detrimental to him.

Of course it will obviously lead to retaliation, and thus no more Friday football games for Dan, at a minimum. You'd have to ask him how he feels about that, getting his routine vs. a football game once a month.

[classicman]

-if the custody order has her returning him at a certain time

No time specified, unfortunately. We just, as adults, agreed after the last time she did this and Dan was "off" for days. Its a power trip for her. She's showing off in front of her new BF and her parents. This is all about her - EVERYTHING always is. Just like the drugs, drinking and infidelity. Whatever she wants, whatever makes her feel good in the moment is what she justifies in her twisted mind.

you could potentially file for sole custody

This has been discussed. It will create a shitstorm. I have always operated for all my kids from the position that she is, and always will be their mother. I am beginning to not care anymore. She's an asshat.

Great ... I just got a text from Dan ... They haven't even left yet... its 2+ hour ride here. Whats the female version of a DICK, cuz that's what she is being right now.
Typically he is starting he routine in 10 minutes.

Friday football games

Oh no no no, those are part of his routine. He lives for that. He can adjust on the Sat. There is no work for him on the weekends. Thats just where she picked him up.

[monster]

I think Jim knows the word you need.

This sucks, I'm so sorry. Here's my 2c.... does Dan look forward to seeing her? Does he want to go? Does he come home happy or stressed? I know it's hard to make decisions about his welfare that you wish he were able to make for himself, but it doesn't sound to me like this is doing him one ounce of good. I'm kind of wondering if you should "suggest" that equity requires her to keep him withi 50 miles of your home and see how that goes down. Sure the beach is fun, but isn't this about them seeing each other rather than external entertainment?

I'm waffling, but when I was younger and the thing that scarred me most (I think) were the power games they played. And yes, it was mostly my mom too, especially when I went to live with my dad.

[classicman]

Yeh, I'm sure he does.

does Dan look forward to seeing her?

Depends. Sometimes he misses who she was. He likes her for short periods of time - Like when they go have dinner & hang out for a couple hours. Or when they go to the beach, he likes to see his grandparents.

Does he want to go?

Sometimes. He likes to go when his sister, brother or other family is there. Frankly, he wants to see the other people more than his mom. I'd even go so far as to say she is a means to that end.

Does he come home happy or stressed?

Usually he is happy to be home. This is his safe place. I guess relieved is a good descriptor. They aren't around him a lot. They think they can do all this fun stuff all day. He doesn't have the stamina for that. He gets exhausted easily.

it's hard to make decisions about his welfare that you wish he were able to make for himself

In addition to wanting him to make them, I would like his friggin mother to have some intelligent input. Heck just an idea or a thought on a therapy or a vitamin, supplement or activity. Set up something for him to socialize with other people his age. Call/do SOMETHING ... ANYTHING. Show some forethought or concern for the future. A plan, an idea, a solution .. With her its always about her and what she wants. It's a lot to be the only one deciding EVERYTHING all the time. Its different than with a regular kid. Its a lot. My GF is good to share and all, but she is not his mom. They have a great relationship but she's not his mother.

requires her to keep him within 50 miles of your home

Yeh, thats a thought. She has no place nor money to see him and I'd be the controlling bastard keeping his maternal grandparents from seeing him etc etc etc. Everything gets twisted with these people.

[monster]

yebbut at least there's a precedent.... Do you really care what they think? And more importantly, how much will the spin they put on it register with and affect Dan?

[sexobon]

Originally Posted by classicman

... Great ... I just got a text from Dan ... They haven't even left yet... its 2+ hour ride here. ... Typically he is starting he routine in 10 minutes. ...

Damn. When you see her ask her why she couldn't have done this NEXT Sunday when Daylight Savings Time ends and clocks get set back an hour which would minimize the impact. Shortsighted dingbat.

[classicman]

Shortsighted dingbat.

And we have a winner!

Dan finished his routine and went to bed about 15 mins ago.
He hated the weekend. Too long, Mom was more interested in seeing BF than being with him and on and on. I've got some serious decisions to make.