Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 379

Glinda · 02-02-2018, 04:57 PM

Gravdigr · 02-03-2018, 04:35 PM

Hah!

Gravdigr · 02-03-2018, 06:34 PM

Carruthers · 02-04-2018, 05:02 AM

Wonderful!

I've had a good laugh, two custard creams and a mug of tea. Can my day get any better than that?

Gravdigr · 02-13-2018, 06:09 PM

We're doomed, doomed, I say...

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xoxoxoBruce · 03-23-2018, 12:12 AM

If your favorite website is...

Quote:

Etsy.com: You’ve gotten into a fist fight over a throw pillow.
NPR.org: You’ve quoted David Foster Wallace while making love.
OkCupid.com: You’ve dated three hundred and twelve vegans.
AOL.com: You were born before the Eisenhower administration.
Yelp.com: Your review of a Cinnabon was more dramatic than Hamlet.
Yahoo.com: You don’t really use the internet that much.
Tumblr.com: Your parents don’t understand you. Nobody does.
Amazon.com: You’ve screamed at Alexa to order a 12-pack of cherry Chap Stick.
Goodreads.com: You’ve canceled a minor surgery to finish a Carlos Fuentes novel.
UsaToday.com: Your favorite food is the sandwich.
PBS.org: You own a cat named Winston. Winston owns six monocles.
Reddit.com: No matter what’s written here, you will gripe about it endlessly.
Buzzfeed.com: If the internet went down for a day, you’d get Ebola symptoms.
Twitter.com: If the internet went down for two hours, you’d drive off the nearest bridge — while hitting refresh.
Bing.com: You cook asparagus in your four-slot toaster oven.
Pitchfork.com: You have a yearly budget for attending noise rock festivals in Bratislava.
Bandcamp.com: You’ve headlined a noise rock festival in Bratislava.
Engadget.com: You’ve wolf-whistled at a Samsung Galaxy.
MotherJones.com: You’ve read the entire label of a Dr. Bronner’s soap bottle.
Whmole30.com: You’ve smuggled butternut squash across the Libyan border.
Reason.com: You’ve purchased a firearm with Bitcoin, or vice versa.
Vox.com: You can turn any social gathering into a debate about tax policy.
T-Nation.com: You can deadlift three Vox readers.
FoxNews.com: You think RoboCop depicts a utopian society.
Forbes.com: You have achieved climax while converting an IRA into a Roth-IRA.
Salon.com: You once lectured a futon about global warming.
WallStreetJournal.com: You think having a favorite dinosaur is a waste of time.
InfoWars.com: Your home water filtration system is safe against radioactive fallout.
TheIntercept.com: You unwind by reading 10,000-word essays about drone bombings.
WikiLeaks.org: You invented a cryptocurrency.
Cracked.com: You’re funemployed.
MySpace.com: You died in 2005, at age twenty.
FocusOnTheFamily.com: Your teenage daughter is a sexually-active Juggalo.
ChurchOfSatan.com: You listen to Slayer’s Reign In Blood when you do Pilates.
ThoughtCatalog.com: You’ve been moved to tears by your own slam poetry.
Slashdot.org: You know that GNU’s not Unix.
Github.com: Your favorite tree is the Binary Search Tree.
FourHourWorkWeek.com: Your virtual assistant is reading this article for you.
Medium.com: You keep a running list of think piece ideas in Evernote.
AngelList.com: You own Evernote.
NerdWallet.com: You could survive for two years on credit card points.
PW.org: You’ve incited a riot over a shortage of Moleskine notebooks.
McSweeneys.net: You enjoy it when the last item in a list is a pattern break, or meta, in some fashion

Carruthers · 03-30-2018, 05:38 AM

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Quote:

A GRANDMOTHER’S advice on everything from cooking to men is complete bollocks, it has emerged.

88-year-old Mary Fisher is regularly assumed to have extensive experience-based wisdom but has actually just led a boring life for a very long period of time.

Granddaughter Katy Fisher said: “Due to gran’s age and kindly appearance I’d always thought advice like soaking your socks in vinegar before washing them was not complete arse.

“However I started the ‘wisdom’ that was ‘passed down’ from her mum is total drivel. For example, there’s no way sucking on a thimble can cure a migraine.

“She also told me to always agree with men because they’re intimidated by intelligent women. That cost me a relationship with a lovely, interesting guy who thought I was just very stupid.

“And recently I discovered steak is much nicer fried or grilled than boiled in brine for three hours.”

However Mary Fisher said: “When you put your washing out you should always tie a knot in your jumpers to stop badgers wearing them. Badgers are notorious jumper thieves.”

Given that the badgers resident within the bounds of one's ancestral pile outnumber the humans, I've yet to lose any item of laundry to them.

That said, this constant vigilance lark is damned tiring.

The Daily Mash UK

lumberjim · 03-30-2018, 04:55 PM

https://goo.gl/6bxZKQ

monster · 03-30-2018, 07:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

If your favorite website is...

cellar.org : you've stormed off in a huff never to come back at least twice

xoxoxoBruce · 05-26-2018, 08:37 PM

He's naive...

Carruthers · 05-28-2018, 09:40 AM

Don't start me on 'your' and 'you're'...

xoxoxoBruce · 06-17-2018, 08:56 PM

Dad Day Balloon...

Clodfobble · 06-20-2018, 05:03 PM

A series of Japanese commercials--worth it to watch to the end:

fargon · 06-20-2018, 05:16 PM

Poor Girl.

lumberjim · 06-21-2018, 12:22 AM

Oh boy that was cruel.

Loong lo ong maaa aaa aaan.

I'll never forgive you

02-03-2018, 04:35 PM	#5672
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Hah! __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

02-03-2018, 06:34 PM	#5673
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	__________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

02-04-2018, 05:02 AM	#5674
Carruthers Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Buckinghamshire UK Posts: 4,059	Wonderful! I've had a good laugh, two custard creams and a mug of tea. Can my day get any better than that? __________________

02-13-2018, 06:09 PM	#5675
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	We're doomed, doomed, I say... __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

03-30-2018, 04:55 PM	#5678
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	https://goo.gl/6bxZKQ __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

02-02-2018, 04:57 PM	#5671
Glinda Fucktard Resistance League Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: 1.14 acres of heaven Posts: 1,512

05-26-2018, 08:37 PM	#5680
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	He's naive... Attached Images __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

05-28-2018, 09:40 AM	#5681
Carruthers Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Buckinghamshire UK Posts: 4,059	Don't start me on 'your' and 'you're'... __________________

06-17-2018, 08:56 PM	#5682
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Dad Day Balloon... Attached Images __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

06-20-2018, 05:03 PM	#5683
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	A series of Japanese commercials--worth it to watch to the end: __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

06-20-2018, 05:16 PM	#5684
fargon Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: La Crosse, WI Posts: 8,924	Poor Girl. __________________ Annoy the ones that ignore you!!! I live a blessed life I Love my Country, I Fear the Government!!! Heavily medicated for the good of mankind.

06-21-2018, 12:22 AM	#5685
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	Oh boy that was cruel. Loong lo ong maaa aaa aaan. I'll never forgive you __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

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