Humor...I Need Humor...

[lumberjim]

see, syc. the world DOES revolve around ME.

that's not really all that funny, btw. i mean, it's kind of obvious, isnt it?

edit: i was referring to the car salesman cow joke being obvious...not that the world revolves around me........mostly

[lumberjim]

Originally posted by Dagney
A local car dealer, who was known to have taken advantage of some people in the community, wanted to purchase a cow from a farmer. So the farmer priced the cow in a way the car dealer could understand:
BASIC COW: $499.95
Shipping and Handling: $35.75
Extra Stomach: $79.25
Two-tone Exterior: $142.50
Deluxe Dual Horns: $59.25
Automatic Fly Swatter: $74.55
Four-spigot/high output drain system: $149.20
Automatic fertilizer attachment: $339.40
Farmer's suggested list price: $1,379.85
Additional Dealer Adjustments: $300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options): $1,679.85

needs a punch line:

so the car dealer said he;d think about it, and he had to check with his wife first. then, he called back, said he could get the same cow from another farmer across town for $550, but it was the wrong color, and wanted the farmer to match the price. the farmer thought about it for a while, agreed to the price, but when the car dealer got there to take delivery, it turned out he had forgotten to mention that he'd filed a bankrupcy 2 weeks ago, and couldn't get approved for the cow loan.

[Undertoad]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest dick he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this."

"It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's dong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

[lumberjim]

might have told this one already, but it bears repeating:

A packrat Rabbi had been saving the "snippings" from his circumscisions in a big pickle jar. he just couldn't throw anything away, you see. So here's this big preserved jar of foreskin on his desk, and his friend the taxidermist drops by for a visit. "hey, what's this?" he asks. The rabbi told him, and said " take it with you. see if you can use them for anything." So the taxidermist took the jar when he left.

About a month later, the taxidermist drops by again, and they talk a while. "what'd you ever do with that jar of foreskins?" the rabbi asks. The taxidermist leans over, and takes his wallet out. he hands it to the rabbi, who looked confused. " that big jar of foreskin, and all you got out of it was this slim wallet? I'ts a nice wallet and all, but....?"

The taxidermist nodded knowingly and said, "Well, yeah, but if you rub it just right, it turns into a suitcase!"

[Happy Monkey]

And if you don't have a wallet, you could always have calimari.

[lumberjim]

eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww

[xoxoxoBruce]

I hate hoax warnings but this one is important.
Please send this to everyone on your e-mail list.
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your ass, DO NOT show him your ass.
This is a scam; he only wants to see your ass.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.

[lumberjim]

i want to tell a joke, but it simply has to be done in person. I tried taking a picture last night, but i couldnt make it come out right. so, let me describe how to tell this one, and you can try it out on your coworkers......trust me, it's funny.

go up to someone and ask them what a gay snake says. when they say, " i don't know, what does a gay snake say?"...you put your hand on your hip, make the gayest face ( eyes half lidded, tilt your head, etc...) and say ,"ssssssssssssssssssssssss" in your best flamer accent. try it out in the mirror first if you don't believe me. it's funny.

you can also do a lion, if you paw the air with a fake claw, and go "Rooooooaaaaaaar!" in the same Bea Arthur accent.

[glatt]

LJ, what is your fascination with gays? You joke about them all the time. What's the big deal?

[elSicomoro]

He's a lesbian.

[lumberjim]

my fascination is with humor, not gays, glatt. 83% of my posts are of humorous intent. of that percentage, only 6% are directed toward gays.

a more interesting question may be:

you seem to be hypersensitive toward humor directed toward gays. why is that?

and, yes, i am a lesbian.

[glatt]

Originally posted by lumberjim
you seem to be hypersensitive toward humor directed toward gays. why is that?

It's because I see it as an injustice. As a general rule, I don't make jokes about minority groups who have had to deal with discrimination.

Maybe I'm too serious.

[elSicomoro]

Originally posted by glatt
Maybe I'm too serious.

Perhaps. I find it best to make fun of everybody...that way, no one can claim discrimination.

[jdbutler]

Originally posted by sycamore


Perhaps. I find it best to make fun of everybody...that way, no one can claim discrimination.

Agreed. If they can't take a joke...

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally posted by glatt


It's because I see it as an injustice. As a general rule, I don't make jokes about minority groups who have had to deal with discrimination.

Maybe I'm too serious.

I think you are. To exclude some group from being the subject of humor, is discrimination.