Bad choices of lovers

[xoxoxoBruce]

Big V posted a link here that is nsfw but the site had an excellent page on why Women are attracted to men that are bad for them and why nice guys get dumped for bad boys.

Why are women attracted to men who are bad for them? I'm a pretty nice guy, yet it seems like most girls would rather go out with someone who's going to treat them like dirt.

Here's the scene. There you are, in a crowded night club, when across the haze you spot HER. She's beautiful, and all alone, and looks a little sad. You make your way to her, only to discover that she's been stood up. How can this be? She's so pretty, and exciting, and, with a few beers in her, tons of fun. Over the next few weeks you help her move, pick up her cat at the vet, and take her shopping for sun dresses. Then one day, you stop by to drop off her taxes, just in time to see her drive away on the back of a bike with some musician. "Why, oh why do women always fall for these bad boys?" you cry to yourself. "I'm so nice to her, why doesn't she want to be with me?"

Why indeed. I'm going to suggest that the problem here is not the women. There are masses of nice, single, attractive, women looking for a nice single guy. You couldn't throw a dart out the window without hitting any number of women willing, if not eager, to date a nice guy (though I don't suggest this particular strategy for picking up women). But you walk right past these women to the one hanging upside down from the rafters with her skirt over her head, don't you? Your knees go weak when you hear a sob story from a pretty girl in a short skirt. Admit it. I see it all the time, psycho women with men flocked around them like they have tickets to the World Series concealed in the hems of their miniskirts. You may not want to hear this my friend, but the real question here is why are you attracted to women who leave you for bad boys? Women who obviously see you as some sort of sister or female cousin? Women who have no intention of sleeping with you but instead use and then discard you like some sort of generic Kleenex?

The majority of datable women are nice and normal and perfectly happy with a nice and relatively normal guy. You know them. They're the ones you sit and moan to about the most recent woman to leave you for a drug dealer. You never even thought about dating one of them did you? Well, forget it. There's no way they're going to go out with you now that they know your pattern. Certain men go for women who will dump them for bad boys for four reasons. Find yourself in one of these categories so that you can avoid these pitfalls in the future.

1. Men confuse "fun girl" with "raving loony."

Some men have a lot of trouble distinguishing between women who are a lot of fun and women who are actually insane. What you thought was spontaneity and joy for life actually turned out to be violent mood swings and a raging drug problem. All that unpredictability isn't so much fun when she dumps you for a bass player is it? This type of person is actually pretty self centered and only cares what happens to you to the extent that it affects the little drama that is her life. Here are some tips for telling the difference between women who are having fun from those who are out to destroy as many lives as they possibly can. Sane women can have fun without actually jeopardizing the lives of those around them. A not-so-sane person thinks it would be fun to drive to the bad part of town and pick a fight in a biker bar. Sane women have been known to get a little tipsy and may, every now and then, dance on a table. Not-so-sane women routinely ingest large amounts of alcohol and/or pharmaceuticals just to get through the morning. If she claims that the lithium was prescribed by her dermatologist for acne, beware. Also, there is a difference between uninhibited and indiscriminate. Your sane women friends find it mildly amusing when you're shocked to discover that the woman who gave you head within an hour of meeting you has been sleeping with five other guys.

2. Some men like women whose lives are in constant turmoil.

It's the classic Snow White phenomenon. She can't get along with her family so she gets kicked out the house and wanders around aimlessly until these seven guys take pity on her and take her in. She's so sweet and lost and pretty. They'll save her and she will love them. Only while they're off toiling in a mine (a mine for crying out loud!) she's hanging around the house concocting schemes to piss off her stepmother and make out with that guy who goes traipsing around the countryside on a horse. A guy, mind you, with no apparent means of gainful employment. So despite the fact that the seven guys take care of her, never lay a hand on her, sit by her side after she gets hold of a bad apple, she goes off with the guy on the horse who just shows up one day and sticks his tongue down her throat. A guy who has not been toiling in a mine and who will dump her on her ass for a blonde -- probably Cinderella. The problem here is that this type of woman has a master's degree in bad judgment and is not content unless her life is in a state of chaos. Some men seem to be attracted to this woman because she appears to need rescuing. But a relationship is based on who you are, not what you can do for the other person. If you're the kind of person who gets all mushy at a girl's sad story you will always find yourself in the role of the horny dwarf because no one has ever been able to fix another person's life, ever. You either get your shit together on your own or you don't -- another person can not do it for you. Don't pass up women who can mange their own lives because you think they don't need you and won't like you. It is possible to have a satisfying relationship with someone who can take care of herself.

3. There are actually women who like dangerous guys.

Frankly, guys on the edge are kind of sexy. But for most women it's like garter belts, fine in theory, but not something you want to deal with on a regular basis. When it comes down to it, most women are more turned on by a guy who will help put up her bookshelves and play with her dog than one who will steal her money and screw her sister. There are, of course, some women who keep going for the bad boy because these women have low self-esteem. Their logic goes something like, "If he's nice to everyone, how do I know that he really likes me. Therefore, I must date someone who is an asshole 90% of the time." You don't want to get involved with someone like this because they just drag you down into their pit of self-loathing and despair. This person needs a therapist, not a boyfriend. Don't even think about trying to save them -- you'll only end up a horny dwarf again. Then there are women who not only prefer dangerous guys, but do very well with them. These women are usually pretty dangerous themselves. You don't have a prayer with this type of women. Don't feel bad. Some people prefer pralines and cream to chocolate chip -- there's no accounting for taste. If you find yourself consistently attracted to this type of woman it's because you want what you can't have. That kind of behavior is uncalled for so cut it out.

4. There are actually men who are too nice.

They fall into the doormat or bastard subcategories. The doormats tend to have low self-esteem and are too nice because they think it's the only way to hold on to a relationship. But no one wants to date a guy they can walk all over. Actually, some women do -- but this type of woman will remove your testicles and wear them as charms on her bracelet. Unless you enjoy constant harping, you want to avoid this type of woman. The other type of too nice guy is the bastard. This is the passive aggressive prick who thinly veils his hostility with false niceness. His specialty is emotional blackmail. Do you tell women that whatever they want to do is fine with you and then pout and complain about what they choose? Do you argue all the time because you are constantly doing nice things without being asked and yet you feel that you do not get the recognition you deserve? Do you consider guilt tripping another person a recreational activity? If you answered yes to these questions, you're not really being nice out of the kindness of your heart -- you're doing it to manipulate the other person and most people will see through you like a pane of glass. Guys who are too nice do not get dumped for bad boys, they get dumped for guys who have backbone. Guys who realize that they don't have to be a doormat to get someone to spend time with them. Guys who can ask for what they want instead of resorting to emotional blackmail and crass manipulation. If you think you fall into this category, try counseling to deal with your self-esteem and hostility issues.

So, take a good look at the type of women you have been attracted to in the past. Especially the ones who dumped you for creepy guys. Figure out the pattern and break it. Because there is a woman who will appreciate a nice fellow such as yourself. She's buying her own drinks, she's volunteering for a local charity, she's doing something interesting and creative, she's got her shit together and she's frustrated because you would rather go out with nutty women. Trust me when I tell you that you will be much better off with someone sane, who likes you for who you are, and can take care of herself.

We'll get back to the smut in the next article, I promise.

Alexis Williams has a Masters Degree in Public Health from Emory University. Her specialty is health education.

[BigV]

Nice article, xoB. Ms Williams has a talent for writing, and the promise at the end of the article is kept (but in an intelligent, articulate way). I read several of them, and enjoyed almost all the ones I read. Kind of like those magazines, but really for the articles this time. Especially since it's all text. Check her out.

Oh, and I don't really know about the bad boiz thang. I *hated* the dating scene. I wasn't interested in someone who wasn't interested in me.

It is simpler than that... because they are idiots and don't think they deserve them (a nice guy).
Self-sabotage.

[AlternateGray]

Has anyone else heard of a research study (done long ago) that found that women's view of what is attractive could vary depending on hormone levels?

Nevermind, found it. (I am the Google master)

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/low/sci/tech/376321.stm

[Beestie]

I always figured that a girl's first love is her dad (even tho in the way that little girls love their daddy). If her dad is an abusive/irresponsble ass then she'll be prone to fall for any guy that a) she is attracted to that b) treats her like her father did.

Its not that women don't think they deserve a nice guy its that the nice guys aren't interesting to them - nice guys can't reach their deeper emotional zones and a deep attraction to one just isn't going to happen.

Having an asshole for a father really is a curse that follows women around for the rest of their lives.

[DucksNuts]

I'm the ..."ohh bad boys are so sexy" type of girl, then I figure out they are arseholes (well doh! thats what attracted me to them in the first place)....so I dump them or they cheat and I think ..."I need a nice guy"...but then another bad boy comes along

BUT!!! there may be hope for me yet.

[MsSparkie]

I hope you will all read my post in the "How you become prey to a charmer/abuser" thread. Open the attachment, It's long but very informative.
Perhaps print it and read it later.

:-)

[KinkyVixen]

I think that most of the problem is that people just don't know what they want...and then on top of that people get conditioned as kids because of other relationships they see, what they live with, etc. I'm a good girl with a bad side (in the right places) who just wants someone to love me for who I am...I didn't think that was too much to ask for, but apparently it is. I wouldn't date a "bad boy" just for the record...but I guess that depends on who you ask and what their idea of a bad boy is.

[Hoof Hearted]

I watched a tv show some years ago about this subject...
What it basically stated was women are attracted to the risk takers, daredevils, men who appear strong (either with physical or mental-intimidation strengths) because they think the man will be strong enough to protect them. After they 'get' the man they want to change them into providers because they now have a family and should stop taking the risks.
Another reason why so many of these types of relationships fail.

It seemed primitive, yet totally understandable, to me. At least by thinking of human nature in relation to how nature actually works in the animal kingdom.

[Iggy]

I agree with KinkyVixen. People just don't know what they want. There is some self-sabotage as well though. Especially with people who have been abused. In my experience, they feel like they are damaged goods and don't deserve someone who will treat them well.

[Stormieweather]

Actually, victims of abuse gravitate towards what they know. I call it their 'discomfort zone'. There are behaviors and attitudes they are familiar with and within which they have learned to function. Their lack of self-esteem attracts abusers who see a likely target. People who have been abused haven't learned what healthy boundaries are and abusive types easily charm them (commonly using techniques that other people would reject as absurd).

Usually, abuse victims come from chaotic backgrounds and in many cases, have become addicted to the adreneline high of drama. They don't feel 'alive' unless they are involved in some sort of crisis and bad boys/girls provide that. Nice guys/girls bore them. They bore themselves. External thrills, risks, are what they're after in order to continue to experience life on the edge.

It takes a lot of work on self to learn to love oneself when life has taught you that you are unworthy and without value. It takes effort to discover that a peaceful existence is highly preferable to the roller coaster of drama.

<gets down off her soapbox>

Stormie

My wife and I call them Chaos-junkies.
They complain about all the crap in their lives, but as soon as there is a lull, they will DO something to make shit happen. They just can't stand quiet.
Or if they start dating someone who is good for them, they won't be able to stand them.
The other side of it are the Tea-sippers... the two types backstage in a theatres. One type runs around starting crap and the other sits and drinks tea or coffee, reviewing their script and doing their make-up.
The Chaos-junkies are always drawn to the Tea-sippers but can't stand them at the same time.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Chaos-junkies need someone to notice.
Tea-sippers are always available.

Exactly. Plus, they need good advice to ignore.

[LabRat]

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye...


MONROE, Conn. Jul 18, 2006 (AP)— A 46-year-old man is accused of assaulting his wife with a carrot, causing her to lose sight in one eye. Roderick Vecsey is charged with second-degree assault and disorderly conduct.

Pamela Vecsey, 46, underwent six hours of surgery after being hit in the left eye with the vegetable Saturday night, but doctors were not able to restore her vision, prosecutor Stephanie Damiani said.

The couple was arguing when Roderick Vecsey tossed the carrot, Damiani said.

Roderick Vecsey told Judge Patrick Carroll that it was a terrible accident, and was advised to remain silent.

The judge set a hearing for Thursday. Vecsey is currently free after posting $500 bond.


Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.