Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 77

skysidhe · 12-15-2006, 02:23 PM

cowhead · 12-16-2006, 03:14 AM

don't make me post the re-buttal for sam-the-clam.. humor here in n.w. georgia seems to rely on pee/pooh jokes and I'm to tired to come up with something

Shocker · 12-19-2006, 03:41 PM

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all
yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How
about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your
older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa

*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let
me send you some Legos instead.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you
up with a Barbie.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
Scotch.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend
most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself
silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at
the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE
could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman
does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa

BigV · 12-20-2006, 01:30 PM

Q: What do you do if you're attacked by a troupe of circus performers?

A: Go for the juggler.

skysidhe · 12-21-2006, 08:42 AM

Griff · 12-21-2006, 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigV

Q: What do you do if you're attacked by a troupe of circus performers?

A: Go for the juggler.

I've fired this off three times to great acclaim.

noviceathome · 12-24-2006, 07:12 PM

A famous hypnotist instructed his audience to focus intently on his swinging fob watch. Back and forth it went with hundreds of eyes closely following it. Suddenly the chain parted and the watch flew across the stage and shattered. "Aw crap!" exclaimed the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the mess.

xoxoxoBruce · 01-06-2007, 10:35 AM

An East Texas couple, real-life rednecks with 9 children, went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican, and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her flat and tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable.
Just as he finishes his drink, the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee.
"I am your sex slave!" she purrs "I will do absolutely anything you desire."
The guy can't believe his luck. "Hmm," he says with a wide grin, "I really fancy a 69."
"Fuck off!" replies the girl, "I'm not cooking at this time of night."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me".
The grandson replies: "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead".
The Don, angry, answers: "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'TIMES UP'?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Literate Strip Club Signs
Ahab, Check Out Our Great White Tail

The Old Man and the SEE

Check Out our Trollops, Anthony

The Prince and the Peeper

Our Girls Even Drive Oscar Wilde

Romeo-oh-oh and Juliet

It's Ulysses to Resist Us

A Tale of Two Titties

Our Poetry in Motion Will Have E.E. Cumming

Leaves of Ass

We're Prettier Than John Greenleaf Whittier

Strippy Longstocking

The Hos of Kilimanjaro

skysidhe · 01-06-2007, 03:07 PM

http://www.all-creatures.org/humor/humorous.html

student poop · 01-09-2007, 03:05 PM

a mommy and little girl are walking innto a park and see two teenagers having sex. so the little girl says mommy what are they doing and the mommy says their "making cakes". and the girl says you and daddy were making cakes last night on the couch. tand the momm say how do you know that and the girl says becasue I licked all the icing off the couch.

Ibby · 01-09-2007, 08:51 PM

Why are you still here?

xoxoxoBruce · 01-09-2007, 08:59 PM

Chill.

Urbane Guerrilla · 01-09-2007, 09:05 PM

But what if Ibram was... joking? :p

xoxoxoBruce · 01-09-2007, 09:06 PM

Chill anyway.

cowhead · 01-11-2007, 11:07 AM

a bevy of blonde jokes...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in
the morning. The
wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a
moment and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know
if the coast is
clear."

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a
compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks
in the mirror and
says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one look! s in the mirror and says, "You dummy,
it's me!"

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she
goes out and buys
a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
opens the door
she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde
is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does
so, she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun an puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she
was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat
in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew
what Roe vs. Wade
was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was
the decision George
Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and
a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9
officer approached
the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on
the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat
down on
the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to
find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what
do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!"

12-16-2006, 03:14 AM	#1142
cowhead halve your cake and eat it too. Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Georgia.. by way of Lawrence Kansas Posts: 1,359	don't make me post the re-buttal for sam-the-clam.. humor here in n.w. georgia seems to rely on pee/pooh jokes and I'm to tired to come up with something __________________ no my child.. this is not my desire..I'm digging for fire.

12-19-2006, 03:41 PM	#1143
Shocker Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Your Mom's house Posts: 378	Letters to Santa Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa *************************************************** Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa ************************************************ Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa ************************************************ Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa ************************************************ Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa ************************************************ Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa ************************************************ Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa ************************************************ Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa ************************************************** Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky Dear Mark, First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa __________________ “I live only for posterity. Death is nothing, but to live defeated and without glory is to die everyday." - Napolean Bonaparte

12-20-2006, 01:30 PM	#1144
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	Handy self defense tip Q: What do you do if you're attacked by a troupe of circus performers? A: Go for the juggler. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

12-24-2006, 07:12 PM	#1147
noviceathome Coronation Incarnate Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: perth, australia Posts: 87	A famous hypnotist instructed his audience to focus intently on his swinging fob watch. Back and forth it went with hundreds of eyes closely following it. Suddenly the chain parted and the watch flew across the stage and shattered. "Aw crap!" exclaimed the hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the mess. __________________ " I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods you will understand why I dismiss yours "

01-06-2007, 10:35 AM	#1148
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	An East Texas couple, real-life rednecks with 9 children, went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican, and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her flat and tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes his drink, the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee. "I am your sex slave!" she purrs "I will do absolutely anything you desire." The guy can't believe his luck. "Hmm," he says with a wide grin, "I really fancy a 69." "Fuck off!" replies the girl, "I'm not cooking at this time of night." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me". The grandson replies: "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead". The Don, angry, answers: "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'TIMES UP'?! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Literate Strip Club Signs Ahab, Check Out Our Great White Tail The Old Man and the SEE Check Out our Trollops, Anthony The Prince and the Peeper Our Girls Even Drive Oscar Wilde Romeo-oh-oh and Juliet It's Ulysses to Resist Us A Tale of Two Titties Our Poetry in Motion Will Have E.E. Cumming Leaves of Ass We're Prettier Than John Greenleaf Whittier Strippy Longstocking The Hos of Kilimanjaro __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-15-2006, 02:23 PM	#1141
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828

12-21-2006, 08:42 AM	#1145
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828

01-06-2007, 03:07 PM	#1149
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	http://www.all-creatures.org/humor/humorous.html Last edited by skysidhe; 01-06-2007 at 03:08 PM. Reason: repost photo

01-09-2007, 03:05 PM	#1150
student poop I gotta wand all right. biggest one you've ever seen Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 6	a mommy and little girl are walking innto a park and see two teenagers having sex. so the little girl says mommy what are they doing and the mommy says their "making cakes". and the girl says you and daddy were making cakes last night on the couch. tand the momm say how do you know that and the girl says becasue I licked all the icing off the couch.

01-09-2007, 08:51 PM	#1151
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	Why are you still here? __________________ not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh

01-09-2007, 08:59 PM	#1152
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Chill. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-09-2007, 09:05 PM	#1153
Urbane Guerrilla Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Southern California Posts: 6,674	But what if Ibram was... joking? :p __________________ Wanna stop school shootings? End Gun-Free Zones, of course.

01-09-2007, 09:06 PM	#1154
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Chill anyway. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-11-2007, 11:07 AM	#1155
cowhead halve your cake and eat it too. Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Georgia.. by way of Lawrence Kansas Posts: 1,359	a bevy of blonde jokes... A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one look! s in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun an puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware." Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!" __________________ no my child.. this is not my desire..I'm digging for fire.

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