Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 82

footfootfoot · 02-19-2007, 04:06 PM

A Shakespearean Theater troupe is about to go on tour with a production of six different plays, however they only have enough paint and material to make one sign so they decide to write it in short hand and this is what they come up with. What are the six plays?

MISCARRIAGE
WET DRY
3" 6" 9"

jinx · 02-19-2007, 04:46 PM

I've seen that before foot3 (so I won't answer), but my version also had "MARRIAGE".

Pie · 02-19-2007, 05:41 PM

I googled it to get the answer, and it still doesn't make sense.

footfootfoot · 02-19-2007, 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jinx

I've seen that before foot3 (so I won't answer), but my version also had "MARRIAGE".

that's pretty funny too

rigcranop · 02-19-2007, 09:40 PM

Don't know if this was posted yet ,
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." The dog replies. "So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running." "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals." "Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Cause he's a liar. "He didn't do any of that shit."

footfootfoot · 02-20-2007, 09:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

A Shakespearean Theater troupe is about to go on tour with a production of six different plays, however they only have enough paint and material to make one sign so they decide to write it in short hand and this is what they come up with. What are the six plays?

MISCARRIAGE = Love's Labors Lost
WET = Midsummer Night's Dream DRY = Twelfth Night
3" = Much Ado About Nothing 6" = As You Like It 9" Taming Of The Shrew

Clodfobble · 02-20-2007, 10:33 PM

The only one I don't get is "DRY = Twelfth Night"

footfootfoot · 02-20-2007, 10:44 PM

I think by the twelfth night you might be pretty dry (if not sore) no matter who the celebrity was...

Cyclefrance · 02-23-2007, 06:17 AM

Hopefully new....

When I had been married 25 years, I took a look at
my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we
had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa
bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I
got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old
blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big
bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50
year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things." My wife is a very
reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that
I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,
driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and
watching a 10 inch black and white TV. Aren't
older women great. They really know how to solve
your mid-life crisis............

Cyclefrance · 02-23-2007, 12:06 PM

Oh, dear, two in one day....

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers : Please scroll down.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder
Than his wife .

That's life ladies! You should have stopped when you had the chance!

Sheldonrs · 02-23-2007, 01:12 PM

What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a Rottweiler?

Eventually, a Rottweiler will let you go.

Pie · 02-23-2007, 03:07 PM

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No-one there at all, so he goes back to his business.
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"'

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a budgie, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, "You're only a budgie!"

To which the budgie replies "Yes, but Jesus is a Rottweiler!"

xoxoxoBruce · 02-28-2007, 11:38 PM

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket
and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty
dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! MyGod, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not t o slur his words, Larry says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...hehad one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

Undertoad · 03-01-2007, 01:00 PM

Powergenitalia.com
Gotahoe.com
Truckersexpress.com
Fordowners.org
Gasheating.co.uk
Mypenisland.com
Whorepresents.com
Apetit.com
speedofart.com
Nagiosexchange.com
Mywebos.com

A list of domain names passed around and laughed at in godaddy.com's offices.

"nagios" is network monitoring software

dar512 · 03-01-2007, 05:44 PM

March of the what?

02-19-2007, 04:06 PM	#1216
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	A Shakespearean Theater troupe is about to go on tour with a production of six different plays, however they only have enough paint and material to make one sign so they decide to write it in short hand and this is what they come up with. What are the six plays? MISCARRIAGE WET DRY 3" 6" 9" __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

02-19-2007, 04:46 PM	#1217
jinx Come on, cat. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area Posts: 7,013	I've seen that before foot3 (so I won't answer), but my version also had "MARRIAGE". __________________ Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good.

02-19-2007, 05:41 PM	#1218
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	I googled it to get the answer, and it still doesn't make sense. __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

02-20-2007, 10:44 PM	#1223
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	I think by the twelfth night you might be pretty dry (if not sore) no matter who the celebrity was... __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

02-23-2007, 06:17 AM	#1224
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Hopefully new.... When I had been married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis............ __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

02-19-2007, 09:40 PM	#1220
rigcranop Resident Denizen Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: s. jersey Posts: 62	Don't know if this was posted yet , A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." The dog replies. "So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running." "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals." "Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Cause he's a liar. "He didn't do any of that shit."

02-20-2007, 10:33 PM	#1222
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	The only one I don't get is "DRY = Twelfth Night"

02-23-2007, 12:06 PM	#1225
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Oh, dear, two in one day.... A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers : Please scroll down. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The man had a heart attack ten times milder Than his wife . That's life ladies! You should have stopped when you had the chance! __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

02-23-2007, 01:12 PM	#1226
Sheldonrs Master Dwellar Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,412	What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a Rottweiler? Eventually, a Rottweiler will let you go. __________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs AT you.

02-23-2007, 03:07 PM	#1227
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No-one there at all, so he goes back to his business. "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"' The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a budgie, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" "So what," says the burglar, "You're only a budgie!" To which the budgie replies "Yes, but Jesus is a Rottweiler!" __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

02-28-2007, 11:38 PM	#1228
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!" Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! MyGod, you're disgusting!" Speaking very carefully so as not t o slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...hehad one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!" His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.." "Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too." __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

03-01-2007, 01:00 PM	#1229
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Powergenitalia.com Gotahoe.com Truckersexpress.com Fordowners.org Gasheating.co.uk Mypenisland.com Whorepresents.com Apetit.com speedofart.com Nagiosexchange.com Mywebos.com A list of domain names passed around and laughed at in godaddy.com's offices. "nagios" is network monitoring software

03-01-2007, 05:44 PM	#1230
dar512 dar512 is now Pete Zicato Join Date: May 2003 Location: Chicago suburb Posts: 4,968	March of the what? __________________ "Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain." -- Friedrich Schiller

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