Humor...I Need Humor...

[monster]

[TheMercenary]

"Killing the Eel"

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys
his age rather curious.

He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from
the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how
it was done. One day he took his question to his mother,
who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things
to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one
night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did.

The following morning, Johnny described everything to
his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then
he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing
and hugging her."

"I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face
started looking funny. He must have thought so too,
because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her
heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as
smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble
finding her heart."

"I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon
both of them started panting and getting all out of breath."

"His other hand must of been cold because he put it
under her skirt."

"About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and
sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end
of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it
was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot."

"Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-- a big
eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped
out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long,
honest anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from
getting away."

"When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got
big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling
out to G~d and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest
one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones
down at the lake."

"Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting
its head off."

"All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and
held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket
and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from
biting again."

"Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get
a scissors -- lock on it and he helped by lying on
top of the eel."

"The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning
and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the
couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing
it between them."

"After a while they both quit moving and gave a great
sigh."

"Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the
eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some
of its insides were hanging out."

"Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle,
but they went back to courting anyway. He started
hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't
dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again."

"I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or
something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill
it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally
killed the eel."

"I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend
peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet."

His mother fainted

[monster]

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after awhile she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one, maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.....

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly....

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes and says:

)
)
)
)

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[dar512]

Hope this is not a dupe. I did a search and didn't find it.


Hu's on first:

[Crimson Ghost]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...'

So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it.

With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

[BigV]

Man walks into the drugstore. Obviously embarrassed, he approaches the woman behind the pharmacy counter.

He says, “I, um, I’m going on a date tonight, and, ah… I need some...”

He’s rescued by the pharmacist. She says, “And you need some protection, right?”

“Yes!, thank you.”

“Small, medium or large?”

“Ah, medium?”

“Ok, that will be $2.35, including tax.”

“TACKS?! I thought these things stayed on by themselves!”

[dar512]

Humorous bathroom signs. The last one is classic.

http://www.offbeatearth.com/unusual-bathroom-signs/

[xoxoxoBruce]

.

[sweetwater]

Originally Posted by dar512

Humorous bathroom signs. The last one is classic.

http://www.offbeatearth.com/unusual-bathroom-signs/

This reminded me of the signs on the restrooms at a dog show:

Setters + Pointers

[Shawnee123]

Federal Rebate Check

The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate. If we spend it at Walmart, the money will go to China . If we spend it on gasoline, the money will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India . If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala . If we purchase a good car, it will go to Japan . If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan . and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep the money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer and tattoos since these are the only products still produced in the USA . Thank you for your help and please support the US.

[SteveDallas]

Weed and beer could easily be produced overseas (to the extent that they're not already). (Anthony, form the Opie & Anthony Show, made a fake commercial that plays on the radio in the new Grand Theft Auto IV game. It's for Pisswasser, a German beer produced specially for export to the USA.)

And I'm sure they're working on the tattoos and hookers.

[lookout123]

from the looks of things in phoenix most of our hookers appear to be made in mexico or china.

[classicman]

[skysidhe]

good one Shawnee.


---------------------------------------------------------------
I thought this was fun/funny.

[skysidhe]

ok don't make me pull out the hamsters.