Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 209

skysidhe · 12-15-2009, 12:22 PM

kids are great

Nirvana · 12-16-2009, 10:42 AM

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?

Nirvana · 12-17-2009, 11:59 AM

T'was the Night of Thanksgiving..

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin' . . . chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.

He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika . . . the world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger's wife went investin' . . . a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid."

She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

Qice · 12-17-2009, 12:20 PM

muahhhhhhhahhhhah!!
That rocked! thanks for the laugh!

Pie · 12-17-2009, 01:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nirvana

Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

I guess that made Elin his highest-paid hooker. I bet she's proud.

Nirvana · 12-17-2009, 01:48 PM

lol@Pie ! But truthfully who would say no to $330 million?

Radar · 12-17-2009, 02:17 PM

I'd let Tiger Woods fuck me for $330 million.

glatt · 12-17-2009, 03:01 PM

Me too. I'd also let him fuck you for $330M.

Gravdigr · 12-17-2009, 04:12 PM

For $330 million, I'll blow Tiger on the courthouse square, and give him an hour to draw a crowd.

Gravdigr · 12-17-2009, 04:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMercenary

OK, who leaked the pictures from my vasectomy?!

toranokaze · 12-17-2009, 06:23 PM

But you don't understand they pay by the pic...

Nirvana · 12-18-2009, 02:45 PM

*

ZenGum · 12-18-2009, 05:06 PM

What do you do with an epileptic lettuce?

Put some bacon with it and call it a seizure salad.

Gravdigr · 12-19-2009, 05:14 PM

xoxoxoBruce · 12-19-2009, 10:31 PM

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride.

Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "Well I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

12-16-2009, 10:42 AM	#3122
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Early Dismissal It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW? __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

12-17-2009, 11:59 AM	#3123
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	A Tiger Woods Holiday Poem T'was the Night of Thanksgiving.. Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house Tiger Woods came a flyin' . . . chased by his spouse. She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry, Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry. He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed. Woman after woman stepped up and confessed. He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori, With Joselyn, and Kalika . . . the world had the story. From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues, Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news. With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex, When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts. Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin', Tiger's wife went investin' . . . a new home in Sweden. And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade, "If you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid." She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer, Her prenup made Christmas come early this year. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

12-17-2009, 12:20 PM	#3124
Qice A b**** of the highest caliber Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Land of Enchantment Posts: 114	muahhhhhhhahhhhah!! That rocked! thanks for the laugh! __________________ I like like minded people... a bit like minded anyway.. well people with bits of their minds that are like the bits of my mind that I like

12-17-2009, 01:48 PM	#3126
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	lol@Pie ! But truthfully who would say no to $330 million? __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

12-17-2009, 02:17 PM	#3127
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	I'd let Tiger Woods fuck me for $330 million. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

12-15-2009, 12:22 PM	#3121
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	kids are great

12-17-2009, 03:01 PM	#3128
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	Me too. I'd also let him fuck you for $330M.

12-17-2009, 04:12 PM	#3129
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	For $330 million, I'll blow Tiger on the courthouse square, and give him an hour to draw a crowd. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

12-17-2009, 06:23 PM	#3131
toranokaze I'm still a jerk Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Little Mexico Posts: 1,817	But you don't understand they pay by the pic... __________________ "Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible." - Frank Zappa It is the ignorance of ignorance that lead to the death of knowledge The Virgin Mary does not weep for her son, for he is in paradise. She weeps for the world , for we are in suffering.

12-18-2009, 02:45 PM	#3132
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Dementia- short and sweet... * Attached Images __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

12-18-2009, 05:06 PM	#3133
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	What do you do with an epileptic lettuce? Put some bacon with it and call it a seizure salad. __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

12-19-2009, 05:14 PM	#3134
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	__________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

12-19-2009, 10:31 PM	#3135
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "Well I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff." __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

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