What's mildly amusing you today?

[Sundae]

Originally Posted by Brianna

I got a good chuckle outta that one.

I had to google it

Amusing me today is that I bought Roger's Profanisaurus for my nephew. Well, it was £2.99 on eBay, he's 12 and finds bums and farts and poos funny, and he's been having such a hard time of it recently. The only positive thing is he's young enough to cry, so at least he's letting it out.

For those not familiar with this weighty tome of English literature, here is a sample online.

mud wrestling n. A long and messy battle on the toilet, involving much grunting and groaning, which usually ends in either a fall or a submission.
traffic calming measure n. A turd in the road that could take your exhaust off.
manflaps n. The tiny flaps surrounding the Jap's eye, usually only visible when taking a much needed high pressure piss. The hog's eyelids.
Ingrid rhym. slang. An act of anal excretion. Named after the luscious 'tits out' 'Hammer Horror' actress Ingrid Pitt.

Hmmmm. Might have to hold it back for another year...!

[Pie]

This story, from 365 Tomorrows:

You Either Love It Or You Hate It
January 21st, 2010
Author : Phill English


‘Gaeriy, I’ve got some bad news.’

‘What’s that Broux?’

‘Well, I’ve finished the calculations and it turns out that in order for us to co-habit this planet, we’re going to have to wipe out half of them.’

‘Oh, wow, that’s a bit of a bummer isn’t it? Don’t you think that we could just, y’know, “accidentally” wipe them all this time?’

‘Don’t be ridiculous, it’s against the preservation laws to extinguish any more life than–’

‘–is absolutely necessary to begin co-habitation. Yes, I know. In that case, how do you plan to split them up?’

‘That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out. At first I thought gender, but then I remembered the trouble Mihrv had with Grabble-4.’

‘Yes, I can’t believe he managed to choose the one gender that was essential to reproduction. Out of fifty three! Got to feel for the poor guy, the preservationists weren’t happy.’

‘Exactly. As such, we need something completely arbitrary and inconsequential so those guys don’t drop a sanction on our planet fall.’

‘Okay, how about a physical feature? Ocular pigmentation?’

‘No, I’ve done some research on the matter and it appears there’s no clear divide on the pigmentation spectrum. The majority of their body features are similarly unsuitable due to mutations throughout their evolution.’

‘Oh. How inconvenient. Actually, have we mapped their neural networks yet?’

‘Yes, quite extensively. There weren’t a lot of variables to take into the equation to be honest.’

‘Right, so that would include their preferences for material possessions? Their ‘taste’ in products?’

‘That’s correct, I think I can see where you’re going with this line of questioning.’

‘Yes, I’ve definitely got it now. We can’t go forward on this for a decade or so of their time, right?’

‘Indeed. The paperwork has to be couriered to Splunk-1 and back, otherwise we’d be down there already.’

‘So in the meantime we’re stuck here twiddling our thumbs and taking in the myriad boring lives of the inhabitants. I reckon we can kill two bwarks with one thuk here. Say we create a product especially engineered to divide a particular cultural population in half. We beam it down into the heads of an ambitious entrepreneur and let the magic happen. When an inhabitant expresses their preference for or against the product, we record it. It’ll occupy our time until we’ve got the paperwork done, and once it arrives we’ll have essentially had them make the decision for us. Best of all, I’m pretty sure there’ll be no red tape to wade through with the ethics committee!’

‘Sounds good to me. Just one thing, which group would get vaporised?’

‘Oh I don’t know, let’s just say that those who enjoy the products are safe.’

‘And you don’t think they would be annoyed at what they might perceive as being a pretty random way of splitting a population in half?’

‘No, of course not. If they are we’ll just ask them if they could have thought of a better way. That’ll shut them up.’

‘I love it. We can get started straight away. Let’s start with this tiny island mass here. What do you think they’d go for?’

* * *

Brian pulled the shopping trolley over in the condiments aisle. His girlfriend stopped a little bit ahead of him, the shopping list in her hand raised in query.

‘I’m just getting something for my toast.’

‘That stuff? Yuck! How can you possibly stomach it?’

‘I don’t know. For some reason I’ve just always liked it.’

With a shrug, he placed the jar of Marmite into the trolley and pushed on.

[skysidhe]

Taking care of a pre-( not so bad yet ) Alzheimers parent can make you feel as if its catching.

[skysidhe]

I'm searching for threads about 'firewalls' and I see more than two ancient threads from non contributing members people dislike.A LOT



...so where are the conversations about firewalls. lol


Firewalls
I find it slightly amusing that after purchasing a firewall you have to pay to upgrade in a year. THE PIRATES!

[morethanpretty]

42

[monster]

Just got an email from the school principal about the survey they sent out a few weeks ago about how much volunteering families do in the school. Apparently they can't get any families who don't do any volunteering at all to spend the time to fill in the survey

[morethanpretty]

As part of my job I have to verify the city/state a store is in. I just had to ask a store manager if he was in "Cumming, GA"
Yeah, spelled like that.
I just barely got it said without laughing, it was really hard though.

[Undertoad]

You should have asked "Are you in the middle of Cumming?" and when he said "Yes" you should have said "Well I'll wait for you to finish"

[classicman]

ha ha ha

[lumberjim]

I just billed out a deal for a customer with the last name Mook. no really.

[Pie]

This piece.

It's only January, but Nancy Grace is a strong contender for "Hypocrite of the Year."

The woman who will exploit anything for ratings — everything from slaughtered children to abused spouses — has suddenly decided that some people deserve privacy. Namely, her.

Grace and her attorneys tried to ban cameras from recording her deposition about the local woman, Melinda Duckett, who killed herself after Grace interviewed her about Duckett's missing son.

Perhaps Grace knows all too well how she might fare herself in the trage-tainment arena she helped create. In fact, let's imagine this …

Host: Tonight we've got shocking — I mean shocking! — news about talk-show host Nancy Grace. She doesn't want America to see her answer questions. And the only possible explanation is that she's guilty and should go to prison … or should she? That's the subject of tonight's show. And we have a spectacular panel to talk about all this. Let's start with Samantha Smalltime, a local radio host for a tiny radio station in Central Florida who has been following this case. Samantha, is Nancy evil?

Samantha: Oh my, I haven't a clue. Seriously, I don't even know much about this case. But what I do know is that I'm just dying to get on TV. So if you want me to say she's guilty, I'm in!

Host: You sound like a smart woman, Samantha. Next up: Jury expert Jim Jarmaine. Jim, can you see any way that a jury wouldn't convict Nancy?

Jim: No way. I wrote a book about juries. [Screen shows copy of book.] And juries hate people who commit crimes. So if Nancy Grace committed a crime, she should fry.

Host: Jim Jarmaine, I like your spunk. Next, we go to a first-time panelist, university professor Annie Anderson. Annie, Jim says Grace should fry. Tell me you agree.

Annie: No I don't agree. And frankly, I'm appalled by this entire conversation. Do you people understand that Nancy Grace hasn't even been charged with a crime? This is a civil proceeding. And the way you're trying to jump to conclusions and exploit this tragic case is so unseemly and unprofessional that …

Host: [Interrupts] Sorry, Annie. Gotta stop you, because I just got word that my little twins are celebrating their one-and-seven-eighths birthday. [Screen shows twin toddlers.] These two babies are angels on earth, my dear viewers. And it's only thanks to you, your prayers — and because you're watching this show — that they are healthy. OK, back to Samantha. Samantha, what were you saying?

Samantha: Whatever you want.

Host: Smart girl. Jim, in your book [screen shows book again], you say that juries like life, and that anyone who helps end a life is in for a heap of trouble, right?

Jim: You bet. That's why Nancy Grace should just spare taxpayers the cost of a trial, and turn herself in.

Annie: What? You people aren't even making sense. I mean, seriously, there's no crime alleged here. And even if there were, wouldn't it make more sense to wait for all the facts before ….

Host: [Interrupts] I'll tell you who doesn't like waiting: My viewers and Lady Justice, as well as my precious twins when it comes to spreading joy in the world. [Screen shows new picture of twins.] That's who I care about.

Annie: What? Listen, if anyone should be aware of the pitfalls of declaring someone guilty before all the evidence is out, it's you! Remember when you essentially declared the Duke lacrosse team being guilty of "gang rape" — even though it was later proven that the entire case against them was a farce?

Host: Sorry, Annie, but it's "Troop Time" — that special part of my program when I start showing pictures of service members who were killed in battle. It's especially helpful when I'm losing ground. Because, really, who has the nerve to criticize me when I'm honoring fallen soldiers? OK, next up, we have former FBI profiler Mark Madsen. Mark, profilers know when people are guilty, right?

Mark: You bet. It's all in my book.

Host: And what do your years of experience tell you about Nancy Grace trying to avoid cameras?

Mark: Guilty. No other explanation.

Annie: What a minute. Nancy Grace has every right to file a motion, trying to keep cameras out of her deposition. This isn't a court hearing. And once again, there's no guilt or innocence in a civil case.

Host: Well, isn't that just what all the rapists and murders want to hear?

Annie: What? Seriously. I don't even understand what you're saying.

Host: Let me tell you something, Annie. On my show, I stand up for victims … and people … and twins. [Screen shows twins again.] And if someone has wronged any of them — any of them — guilt is a factor.

Jim: Juries agree. It's in my book.

Mark: Mine too.

Host: Ok, panel, we're running out of time. So let's take a vote — guilty or very guilty?

Jim: Guilty.

Host: Rob?

Rob: Guilty.

Host: Samantha?

Samantha: Oh goody. Am I on camera again?

Host: I'll take that as a guilty. OK, Annie … [Host pauses for heavy sigh and exaggerated eye roll] … tell me something I want to hear.

Annie: Well, you've made it pretty clear what you want to hear — and it has nothing to do with reality, the presumption of innocence or anything other than exploiting tragedies for mindless entertainment.

Host: [Sighing] Annie, you obviously weren't paying attention when I was talking about my twins.

[Flint]

Originally Posted by morethanpretty

As part of my job I have to verify the city/state a store is in. I just had to ask a store manager if he was in "Cumming, GA"
Yeah, spelled like that.
I just barely got it said without laughing, it was really hard though.

Originally Posted by Undertoad

You should have asked "Are you in the middle of Cumming?" and when he said "Yes" you should have said "Well I'll wait for you to finish"

You should have asked "Are you in the middle of Cumming?" and when he said "Yes" you should have said "IMMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT BEYONCE GOT THE MOST GRAMMYS OF ALL TIME!!!1"

[classicman]

Thats a good read ya got their Pie.

[Pie]

Perhaps it should have gone in your Karma thread, classic!

[classicman]

Yeh - thought of that. I watched her a few times - OMG I think my eyes started to bleed. Her voice has got to be THE most annoying sound on the planet. Nothing personal, but I couldn't imagine hearing that every time I got home from work or whatever.