01-21-2010, 02:53 PM | #3196 | |
polaroid of perfection
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: West Yorkshire
Posts: 24,185
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Quote:
ETA - I just did
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Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac |
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01-23-2010, 09:44 AM | #3197 |
~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,828
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“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin |
01-23-2010, 02:29 PM | #3198 |
The Un-Tuckian
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: South Central...KY that is
Posts: 39,517
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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who both were married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,..... let's pretend that we're married.' 'Wow!....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own damn blanket..' After a moment of silence, .......................he farted. The End
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01-24-2010, 01:32 AM | #3199 |
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 3,338
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THE MEMORIAL STONE
Billy died... His will provided $30,000 for this elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jonelle. "Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jonelle, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Joyce .. "Thirty thousand dollars." "No!" Jonelle exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone." Jonelle quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My Gosh, how big is it?" Joyce answered, "Two and a half carats."
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Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous |
01-24-2010, 02:19 AM | #3200 |
The future is unwritten
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
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"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
01-24-2010, 11:34 AM | #3201 |
has a second hand user title
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in a Nut House
Posts: 2,017
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audible laughter.
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And now I'm finished posting. |
01-25-2010, 12:56 PM | #3202 |
has left the building.
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 455
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What do you get when you cross a Liberal and a Conservative?
Socialism. |
01-25-2010, 04:09 PM | #3203 |
has a second hand user title
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in a Nut House
Posts: 2,017
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?
Halfway.
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And now I'm finished posting. |
01-25-2010, 09:13 PM | #3204 |
barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy.
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 23,401
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Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away. Who was it!!!???" he
yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?" "No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein." "Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?" "No, not him." "Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!" "No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..." Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"
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"like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt |
01-26-2010, 02:11 AM | #3205 |
The future is unwritten
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks what happened. The woman says "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp..." The Doctor says "I have a really good medicine against that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again. The woman says "Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me". The Doctor replies "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!"
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
01-26-2010, 10:16 AM | #3206 |
~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,828
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wry humor here
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01-27-2010, 04:22 PM | #3207 | |
has left the building.
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 455
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Conservatives and Liberals
How's 'bout a little humor for the funny bone.
Quote:
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01-27-2010, 04:36 PM | #3208 |
Gone and done
Join Date: Sep 2001
Posts: 4,808
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emma?
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per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not. |
01-27-2010, 04:38 PM | #3209 |
I hear them call the tide
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Perpetual Chaos
Posts: 30,852
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no, you're a one-trick troll.
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The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart |
01-27-2010, 07:58 PM | #3210 |
Come on, cat.
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area
Posts: 7,013
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Wait, so, he thinks The Village People were conservatives? Ha ha, I don't think so buddy...
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Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good. |
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