Humor...I Need Humor...

[ZenGum]

How about the "things to do" list?

[classicman]

I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy.
In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item.

Delores was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see
that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked around the store to see if it were empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.
She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then
said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful.
Unfortunately, I couldn't hold back and KAPOW, I was done within moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?'
I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the shit out of me....

[jimhelm]

ohdear.

true and embarrassing story from my 'first time'

I was 17 or 18.... went into Eagle Pharmacy and asked the cute young girl behind the counter for '2 condoms' ...figuring I would need to try a dry run before hand...

yeah. she pointed to the rack of boxes in the back of the store where they came in 3 packs. we both blushed. I hope i had the sense to buy 2 - 3 packs, but disremember and i doubt I did.

[classicman]

Originally Posted by jimhelm

...figuring I would need to try a dry run before hand...

I woulda thought the hand was the "dry run"

[TheMercenary]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of
Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, 'Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

[TheMercenary]

An Idaho rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.


"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.


"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."


"Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mother here?"


"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."


"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"


"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."


The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.


"Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."


"Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."


The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.

[TheMercenary]

Some say it was invented by the Romans in 269AD, and institutionalized through St Valentine’s cousin,
Claudius Fellatio. Others suggest that when World War II ended in 1945, president Harry S. Truman had the FBI covertly
spread the word to act as a “welcome home” for the troops. All we really know, is that Steak and BJ Day is pretty damn awesome.
The overarching theory is one of “Man’s Valentine’s Day.” You know the drill. Every 14th of February men
get the chance to display their fondness for a significant other by showering them with gifts, flowers, dinner, and
many other romantic baubles. They rack their brains for that one special gift that will show their spouse
that they truly care.

Well here’s a little secret: men feel a tad left out.

They’re just too proud or too embarrassed to admit it. Sure seeing that smile on their face is priceless,
but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Which is why this very holiday was created.
March 14th is henceforth “Steak and Blowjob Day.” Simple, effective and self explanatory;
this holiday has been created so that the ladies can show their man how much they truly care for him.
No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name explains it all: just a steak and a BJ. That’s it.
Not only will Steak and Blowjob Day be joyous day of sensuality for the men, but it will even instigate
more effort during February for the women! It’s win win, gentlemen and ladies.

Damm, I just missed it by a day!

[plthijinx]

.

[footfootfoot]

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window- 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.

'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says.

'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.' The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune he Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".

'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shit box you get crap on your bell end.

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the titles of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.

The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says.

'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, I fucking wrote it!!!'

[Flint]

I lol'd

[GunMaster357]

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.

As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.”

The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?









The first motel she could find. (She’s old, not dead!)

[BrianR]

Smart Police Dogs



A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

[Gravdigr]

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[morethanpretty]

[Gravdigr]

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