Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 279

classicman · 10-11-2011, 11:06 PM

...

BigV · 10-11-2011, 11:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZenGum

I never thought I'd say this, but ...

Dear Lord, please watch over the Bush family.

Not a big bush fan here.

infinite monkey · 10-12-2011, 11:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

...a midget and a lesbian walk into a bar

I spit on my keyboard!

classicman · 10-12-2011, 11:53 AM

What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
.
.
Last year's hide and seek champion.

footfootfoot · 10-12-2011, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by infinite monkey

I spit on my keyboard!

She's back!
She's Bad!
She's Nationwide!

infinite monkey · 10-12-2011, 01:08 PM

HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, whatchoo mean, NationWIDE? I've been trying, man.

(Yeah, I've been very busy and very preoccupied with my 'self' and all that entails. I'm thinking of running away from home. In a thousand senses. I'm so very tired of 'me' and very tired that me being tired of me makes others tired of me and makes me tired of others.)

Which reminds me, does anyone want to buy some tires?

HungLikeJesus · 10-12-2011, 01:30 PM

I'll take two, please.

infinite monkey · 10-12-2011, 01:35 PM

Thank you. Now you too can be two tired.

I always put my faith in Jesus, when I'm feeling like the world is slipping away and I just don't want to play anymore. Thank you Jesus, thank you.

footfootfoot · 10-12-2011, 01:44 PM

It Was Then That I Carried You
BY JESUS CHRIST

One night, Infi, you had a dream. You dreamed you were walking along the beach with Me. Across the sky flashed scenes from your life. For each scene, you noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonging to you, and the other to Me. When the last scene of your life flashed before you, you looked back at the footprints in the sand. You noticed that many times along the path of your life there was only one set of footprints. You also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in your life. This bothered you, and you questioned Me about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me." I replied, "My precious, precious child. I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Bullshit, Jesus, Those Are Obviously My Footprints
BY Infinite Monkey

Sorry to have to break it to you, Jesus, but those are obviously my footprints.

Look closely. See how those footprints have that wavy tread pattern on the bottom, just like my mules? If they were yours, they'd make a sandal mark, like the footprints next to mine a little farther up the beach when I was going through better times.

See the footprints at the time of my divorce? You'll notice that the sandaled footprints drift off from the mule ones. They lead to that picnic bench over there, the one with the cigarette butts scattered all over. It appears that in my darkest hour, instead of carrying me, you sat on a stump and had a couple of smokes. Real helpful, Jesus. Real helpful.

Sure, the sandal footprints came back when I got that big job promotion, but right at the point where my cat Toonces died, they veer off again. Actually, now that I look again, it seems like there's an unusually large distance between each of the sandal-wearer's footprints around the time of my cat's death, as if the person were actually running away.

I'm sorry, Jesus, but your whole story about carrying me during my worst moments just doesn't gibe with the facts. Besides, you'd certainly think a person would remember being carried by the Son of God, right? That's a pretty memorable thing, wouldn't you say? Well, either I've got amnesia, or you're a liar, because I don't recall ever being toted around by the Messiah. The only thing I do remember about my worst moments on the path of life is the horrible feeling of plodding along the cold sand all alone while icy rain fell in sheets and chill winds assailed me.

So thanks, Jesus. Thanks a bunch. You were really there for me when things got tough. Asshole.

infinite monkey · 10-12-2011, 01:47 PM

Quote:

The only thing I do remember about my worst moments on the path of life is the horrible feeling of plodding along the cold sand all alone while icy rain fell in sheets and chill winds assailed me.

Amen! I mean...uh...thass right!

Funny. Thanks for the giggle.

Gravdigr · 10-12-2011, 03:48 PM

The line for the hand cart forms to the left.

infinite monkey · 10-12-2011, 03:49 PM

I have a compact, so I'll drive separate *revs up handbasket*

classicman · 10-13-2011, 08:07 PM

$50 Lesson
I recently asked my neighbors' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that! You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

(ITS A FRIGGIN JOKE!)

sandypossum · 10-14-2011, 04:53 AM

A couple of us were talking about what sort of collective nouns could be used for different nationalities (in an entirely cliched and non-PC kind of way) and, being Aussies, we started with (for us) the obvious "Mob of Australians". We then thought up these:

a scrum of Kiwis
a queue of English
a pint of Irish
a pride of Germans
a clutch of Italians
a school of Chinese
a gaggle of Greeks
a litre of Russians
a herd of Americans
a line of Columbians
a parade of Brazilians
a running of Spaniards

Any more ideas?

ZenGum · 10-14-2011, 06:14 AM

A line of Columbians

A knot of Thais.

A waxing of Brazilians.

A reef of Jamaicans.

A pot of Dutch.

A many-many of Yemenis.

10-11-2011, 11:06 PM	#4171
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	... Attached Images __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

10-12-2011, 11:53 AM	#4174
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? . . Last year's hide and seek champion. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

10-12-2011, 01:30 PM	#4177
HungLikeJesus Only looks like a disaster tourist Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: above 7,000 feet Posts: 7,208	I'll take two, please. __________________ Keep Your Bodies Off My Lawn SteveDallas's Random Thread Picker.

10-12-2011, 01:44 PM	#4179
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	It Was Then That I Carried You BY JESUS CHRIST One night, Infi, you had a dream. You dreamed you were walking along the beach with Me. Across the sky flashed scenes from your life. For each scene, you noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonging to you, and the other to Me. When the last scene of your life flashed before you, you looked back at the footprints in the sand. You noticed that many times along the path of your life there was only one set of footprints. You also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in your life. This bothered you, and you questioned Me about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me." I replied, "My precious, precious child. I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you." Bullshit, Jesus, Those Are Obviously My Footprints BY Infinite Monkey Sorry to have to break it to you, Jesus, but those are obviously my footprints. Look closely. See how those footprints have that wavy tread pattern on the bottom, just like my mules? If they were yours, they'd make a sandal mark, like the footprints next to mine a little farther up the beach when I was going through better times. See the footprints at the time of my divorce? You'll notice that the sandaled footprints drift off from the mule ones. They lead to that picnic bench over there, the one with the cigarette butts scattered all over. It appears that in my darkest hour, instead of carrying me, you sat on a stump and had a couple of smokes. Real helpful, Jesus. Real helpful. Sure, the sandal footprints came back when I got that big job promotion, but right at the point where my cat Toonces died, they veer off again. Actually, now that I look again, it seems like there's an unusually large distance between each of the sandal-wearer's footprints around the time of my cat's death, as if the person were actually running away. I'm sorry, Jesus, but your whole story about carrying me during my worst moments just doesn't gibe with the facts. Besides, you'd certainly think a person would remember being carried by the Son of God, right? That's a pretty memorable thing, wouldn't you say? Well, either I've got amnesia, or you're a liar, because I don't recall ever being toted around by the Messiah. The only thing I do remember about my worst moments on the path of life is the horrible feeling of plodding along the cold sand all alone while icy rain fell in sheets and chill winds assailed me. So thanks, Jesus. Thanks a bunch. You were really there for me when things got tough. Asshole. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

10-12-2011, 03:48 PM	#4181
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	The line for the hand cart forms to the left. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

10-12-2011, 01:08 PM	#4176
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002	HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, whatchoo mean, NationWIDE? I've been trying, man. (Yeah, I've been very busy and very preoccupied with my 'self' and all that entails. I'm thinking of running away from home. In a thousand senses. I'm so very tired of 'me' and very tired that me being tired of me makes others tired of me and makes me tired of others.) Which reminds me, does anyone want to buy some tires?

10-12-2011, 01:35 PM	#4178
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002	Thank you. Now you too can be two tired. I always put my faith in Jesus, when I'm feeling like the world is slipping away and I just don't want to play anymore. Thank you Jesus, thank you.

10-12-2011, 03:49 PM	#4182
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002	I have a compact, so I'll drive separate revs up handbasket

10-13-2011, 08:07 PM	#4183
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	$50 Lesson I recently asked my neighbors' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? ' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' Her parents beamed with pride. 'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that! You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.' She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? ' I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.' Her parents still aren't speaking to me. (ITS A FRIGGIN JOKE!) __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

10-14-2011, 04:53 AM	#4184
sandypossum tri-continental dag hag Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Australia Posts: 247	A couple of us were talking about what sort of collective nouns could be used for different nationalities (in an entirely cliched and non-PC kind of way) and, being Aussies, we started with (for us) the obvious "Mob of Australians". We then thought up these: a scrum of Kiwis a queue of English a pint of Irish a pride of Germans a clutch of Italians a school of Chinese a gaggle of Greeks a litre of Russians a herd of Americans a line of Columbians a parade of Brazilians a running of Spaniards Any more ideas? __________________ you're never too old to have a happy childhood

10-14-2011, 06:14 AM	#4185
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	A line of Columbians A knot of Thais. A waxing of Brazilians. A reef of Jamaicans. A pot of Dutch. A many-many of Yemenis. __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

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