Humor...I Need Humor...

[Lamplighter]

[infinite monkey]

Originally Posted by classicman

Christmas carols for the disturbed
I'm not making fun by any means.....................



1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and... Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look a Chicken - can
I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

I made up a couple more:

11) Addictive Personality Disorder---Angels We Have Heard. We're High!

12) Alzheimer's Disease---What Child is This?

13) Bipoloar Disorder: It's the most wonderful time of the year, I'll have a blue Christmas without you, with the kids jingle belling, I'll be so blue just thinking about you, and everyone telling you be of good cheer, decorations of red on a green christmas tree, it's the most wonderful time of the year, won't mean a thing if you're not here with me.

[Trilby]

excellent!

LOVE the alhz. one!

[Lola Bunny]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend
to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique
pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special
watch.

It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch
gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the
watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a
hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

Claude was never invited back to entertain.

[classicman]

I was at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog ,
in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ???
So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,
I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't
because I ended up ...in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet
and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.

[footfootfoot]

Man: Doc, I think I'm a dog.
Psychiatrist: Lay down on the couch.
Man: I'm not allowed on the couch.


Girl: I used to think I was a dog.
Boy: But you're cured now?
Girl: Sure. Feel my nose.


Doc: How long have you thought you were a dog?
Man: Ever since I was a puppy.

[toranokaze]

What is green slimy and smells like bacon?


Kermit the frog's finger.

[ZenGum]

Tora! Long time no see. How ya been?

[footfootfoot]

What's old and wrinkly and smells like ginger?


Fred Astaire's face.

[plthijinx]

Ask about how her husband was. The women started by saying; while shopping for vacation clothes the other day, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He is still in intensive care.

[plthijinx]

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today... Dr Oz on TV said that to reach inner peace we should always finish things we start, and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. Wuv U gies !

[BigV]

LITTLE KENNY ON MATH (Part 1)

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Kenny.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Kenny says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Kenny replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'


*******************


LITTLE KENNY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little Kenny returns from school and says he got an 'F' in arithmetic.

'Why'? asks the father.

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3', so I said 6', replies Kenny.

'But that's right' says his father.

'Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3 x 2'

'What's the fuckin' difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said' replied Kenny.


********


LITTLE KENNY ON ENGLISH
Little Kenny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Kenny says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Kenny, that's a real mouthful.'

Little Kenny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.'


*******


LITTLE KENNY ON GRAMMAR
Little Kenny was sitting in the class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom...
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to go take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'No Kenny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to is, 'I need to Urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little Kenny thinks for a bit, and then says, 'YOUR'E AN EIGHT, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN'


************


LITTLE KENNY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael, excellent.'
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Kenny.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fuckin' beautiful'.


***********


LITTLE KENNY ON GETTING OLDER
Little Kenny was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little Kenny replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?

Little Kenny answered, 'No, he just minded his own fuckin' business.

YOU GOTTA' LOVE THE LITTLE BASTARD !!!

[Pete Zicato]

Kenny might be related to Little Willie. There's a great number of Willie poems, but here's a sample:

=====
Willie with a hatchet dull
Split wide open father’s skull;
Ma said, wiping up the stains,
“Willie has his father’s brains.”


=====
Willie fell down the elevator.
Wasn't found till three weeks later.
All the neighbors said, “Gee whiz!
What a spoiled child Willie is!”

[mititelu]

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.'
I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'


I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.


A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'
I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually. '


I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?'
I said 'Nope, you're still black'


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, good chance with that face!


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says Me ma is dead. Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away..But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best! Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that feckin basket yer fookin' fool."


I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??
The answer I should have given was Africa.

[BigV]

Hey mititelu

check this out: I think you'll like it.