Is it OK to ask people about their reproductive plans?

[monster]

I've always thought it was a little personal and rude but then I know I'm especially touchy. This woman apparently feels the same and wrote a facebook post that went viral. She's local and was interviewed for the local online rag. I was kind of surprised by how many people took the time to trollment (yes I just made up that word) about how uptight she was and how it was a "perfectly innocent question". It seems that asking who one might vote for is considered more of a risqué question, and yet the outcome of an individual's decision on that does affect other people more directly. :/

http://www.mlive.com/entertainment/a...rt_river_index

[Clodfobble]

Can't load the page because I don't want the video to autoplay on my phone, but I will say that I think there's a huge degree of context at play. Asking a friend is very different from asking the grocery checkout lady. Asking an acquaintance if they are thinking about having kids in general, without judgment on either response, seems okay to me, but I'm also a "who the fuck cares" kind of person. Truth is I'm only making small talk because I'm supposed to anyway. The more social taboos people put on what I am and am not allowed to say, the more it makes me want to just sit in silence like I wanted to in the first place.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Answer~ I was thinking of having children, but the more people I meet convinces me humans should die out.

[monster]

She had gone to dinner with her boyfriend's family who apparently asked. She wrote the post/rant when she got home and people shared it. a lot.

Hey everyone!!! Now that I got your attention with this RANDOM ULTRASOUND PHOTO I grabbed from a Google image search, this is just a friendly P.S.A. that people's reproductive and procreative plans and decisions are none of your business. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Before you ask the young married couple that has been together for seemingly forever when they are finally gonna start a family ... before you ask the parents of an only-child toddler when a Little Brother or Little Sister will be in the works ... before you ask a single 30-something if/when s/he plans on having children because, you know, clock's ticking ... just stop. Please stop. You don't know who is struggling with infertility or grieving a miscarriage or dealing with health issues. You don't know who is having relationship problems or is under a lot of stress or the timing just isn't right. You don't know who is on the fence about having kids or having more kids. You don't know who has decided it's not for them right now, or not for them ever. You don't know how your seemingly innocent question might cause someone grief, pain, stress or frustration. Sure, for some people those questions may not cause any fraught feelings – but I can tell you, from my own experiences and hearing about many friends' experiences – it more than likely does.
Bottom line: Whether you are a wanna-be grandparent or a well-intentioned friend or family member or a nosy neighbor, it's absolutely none of your business. Ask someone what they're excited about right now. Ask them what the best part of their day was. If a person wants to let you in on something as personal as their plans to have or not have children, they will tell you. If you're curious, just sit back and wait and let them do so by their own choosing, if and when they are ready.

[monster]

but, see, I don't think it's anyone's business except the prospective coparent's, and possibly medical professionals. The only context that might excuse it is something like a pontial grandparent making a will

[lumberjim]

She sounds like a bitch. Get over yourself. People ask questions. Don't tell me what to ask you. You think your thoughts, I'll think mine.

[monster]

People (beyond kindergarten) don't generally ask overly personal/potentially rude questions like
"are you going to lose weight/why are you so fat?"

I did notice that the people who thought she was a bitch seemed predominantly male. Maybe it's only women who get asked?

"Will you continue wanking now you have a girlfriend/are getting married?"

[monster]

....but I am also a bitch...

[DanaC]

It does seem to be asked more of women I think.

And there is a lot of social stigma still around not having children. For women - doubt it's as strong for men.

Consider her points about not knowing that person's story. It's a fucking dangerous question to ask imo. You may very well be trampling on something painful by asking. Or you may be putting that person in a really uncomfortable position because they don't really know what they want to do yet - or they know, more or less, that they don't want kids (as in my case) and are made to feel somehow like they need to explain and excuse that lack of desire for children.

If you ask a guy if he has kids and he says no - or if he wants kids,and he sas no. That's pretty innocuous on the whole. There isn't a truckload of societal judgement waiting to land on his head.

As a woman I have always been asked about children.Whether I have them. Whether I plan to have them. And when the answer to the first question is no, there is an uncomfortable moment. Because when a woman (and it usually is women) asks me if I have kids and I say no - I can almost see the question cross her face (oh fuck - is she unable to have kids?).

It's getting less so - both as I get older, and as society becomes marginally less traditional in its views of motherhood and marriage- but it's still there.

I learned after a while, to just say 'no - never wanted any', to stave off that look of nascent pity. Though that still left people feeling like that knew much better whether or not I wanted kids. I have lost count of the number of times, when I was younger, that other women responded to my stated desire not tohave children by telling me, there's time yet, and never say never.

A guy who says he doesn't want kids,isjust a guy who doesn;'t want kids. A women who says she doesn't wantkids is automatically somewhat suspect. Either there is something wrong with her that means she can't have kids - or she's not really woman enough.

I have had a guy tell me that a woman isn't really a woman until she's had a child.

The stuff where young couples get ambushed about their plans for kids is excruciating in my experience. It can be the equivalent of a giant wooden stirring spoon for that couple. If theyhaven't figured it out yet and if they are not really on the same page - that shit can get very intrusive.

[Sundae]

I had a co-worker who was Queen of the "questions as insults" school of conversation.
Asking my friend at work whether she and her husband were still together for example.
Asking me after I lost weight whether I would keep it off or pile it all back on again.
She was a bitch, to be fair, and I don't think people asking about other people's reproductive plans are. But I do think they are straying into dangerous waters.

Although I think the post quoted above is a little... strident... there are many more reasons not to ask, than to ask. Not least because it is a very personal question, one which involves intercourse and is therefore about as personal as you can get, and really because it is unlikely to be anyone else's business.

When I informed the Family Planning Clinic (ie contraceptive service) of my change of name because I was getting married, I was very surprised to get the smiling response, "So we probably won't be seeing you again then!" I wasn't offended, but it seemed to me an odd assumption. Of course I proved myself an unnatural woman in the end anyway, by making a conscious choice not to have children. But I hadn't made that back in 1995.

20 years on I am still asked by some people (more often male, but that may be the company I keep), "Did you decide not to have children... or....?" Depending on my mood, my opinion of the person asking, or how mischievous I feel, I'll tell anything from the truth, to what I think will wind the conversation up quickly, to an outright lie. Sometimes a mixture.

However it has come up quite naturally in other conversations - with people I enjoy talking to, with people I don't mind sharing personal details with, and then I always tell the truth as I feel it at the time. Because when emotions are involves, answers can genuinely fluctuate.

So I guess my answer is I don't get my knickers in a twist about being asked. I don't like to be asked personal questions by people I don't know very well, but people can be bloody ill-mannered sometimes anyway. If you really feel it's necessary for you to know what someone's future plans are for their own body, be prepared for the fallout.

[DanaC]

yeah - there are times when it's perfectly fine and in context. The questin of whether or not I wanted kids and couldn't or had decided not to - that I have been asked, and it's mainly been guys who've asked. I don't recall a woman ever asking me that question. I suspect other women may find that ground more dangerous.

It's all about context really. And about social mores. For some reason it is ok for people to ask a newly married couple when we'll hear the pitter patter of tiny feet. It's seen as a lighthearted and inobtrusive question, because there's an automatic assumption that the couple will be planning to have kids. But forthe couple in question it could be a really intrusive question toask. It could bring up stuff they themselves aren't ready to deal with. It makes assumptions that can be dangerous in all sorts of ways.

[Clodfobble]

"When" is never a part of the question, in my book. That's incredibly presumptive. I would only ever phrase it as, "Are you interested in having kids, or no?" "When" brings any topic into judgment territory, I'm not a fan of the word.

And I would definitely never ask in front of the significant other, married or dating. They may not agree, or may not have talked about it. I'm not in the habit of asking "Tell me about your most recent fight," either.

I do understand a little bit, though, the "never say never" instinct. I wouldn't say it out loud, as some people apparently do, but the fact is a majority of babies--not just pregnancies, but the ones actually carried to term--remain unplanned, even in this day and age. Those women are most likely remembering how much they didn't want kids at some point in their lives. If at some point you do find yourself with a kid, you will feel incredibly, incredibly guilty about every time the phrase, "I don't want kids" passed your lips. It's hormonal and you won't be able to help it. Saying "I'm not interested" or "it's never been a part of my plan" or "it's not right for me, but I love my nieces and nephews," is safer, both psychologically and conversationally. Taking a hard stand on anything is almost a jinxing guarantee that you'll have to do it someday, in my experience.

[DanaC]

I agree. And, for the most part I tend to treat such enquiries in the spirit thet are meant. And when women have said to me, never say never - I've generally agreed with that sentiment. In truth that was generally my own stance - that I knew I didn't want children, but that I didn't know what lay around the corner in life. I've always been of the opinion that if I had suddenly found myself pregnant I'd have risen to the challenge.

But there was a brief period when I had really given it some serious thought - whether to try and pursue a path to parenthood and had some difficult times coming to a decision on that. When I reached a kind of settled peace about it, and felt like I really did know my own mind on this issue, I really didn't appreciate people (mum included) keep throwing the never say never stuff at me. It's like - I've been wrestling with this shit and am finally free of the 'will I won't I?' internal conversation and identity level questions, so seriously, fuck off throwing indecision and uncertainty back into the mix. I didn't arrive at my conclusion without thought and a degree of self-examination. I really, really didn't care for the 'be careful, you might change your mind when it's too late' type advice. Because that had basically been the biggest fear I'd had about not having children. That was the thing I'd struggled most with - the fear of changing my mind too late. Fear of regret. Thanks awfully for re-opening that line of enquiry, later that night at 3am when I can't sleep.

Never said any of that, natch. Generally I am more concerned with what people intend than I am with any inadvertant toe-stepping they may do in the process.

The worst was when people would ask me and Jude when we were going to have kids, given we'd been together for years. *chuckles* that was friends and acquaintances - family generally didn't ask us that. I think they were generally praying we wouldn't :P I always hated that question. It was a tension issue for us.

[glatt]

My daughter is a junior in college and hates being asked about her college plans. She is asked every time she sees someone we haven't seen in a while. She HATES it.

That's life. People ask uncomfortable questions sometimes. Practice diplomatic answers and use them. Then forget it and move on. People generally mean well but are sometimes stupid. Be gracious. Don't turn it into a scene.

[DanaC]

I don't see anyone turning it into a scene.

People can sometimes be stupid. Other people, the ones the first people have been stupid with, sometimes feel irritated. That is also allowed.