More bad karma. Or something.

[orthodoc]

Wow. Trying to wrap my head around the fact that I have a breast mass. A big, honking lump in my right breast.

Found it two nights ago, inadvertently. There it was. Huge. How did I miss it before?

I think I have felt it before, actually – maybe a couple years or more ago. Just as big. And then it disappeared. So could it be a hormone-responsive fibroadenoma? God, I hope so.

On the plus side, I haven’t lost weight, haven’t been ill, I’m slim, I eat a low-fat diet that’s mostly whole plant foods. No unusual bone pain, cough, weird CNS symptoms. On the minus side, I’m 52, haven’t had a mammogram in 12 years, I drink alcohol (it's a possible risk factor), I had my first baby above 20 years old (really, do we all have to be teen mothers to not get breast cancer?).

I dithered a day, then went and got seen today. And the FP guy felt it too. Measured it at 2 x 2.5 cm. SHIT. That’s Tumor Stage 2 – T2 – right off. I have a little tender axillary node, but honestly it just came up last week and I can’t see that it could be malignant. It’s tiny, mobile, and tender – reactive. Not malignant. Don’t think about that.

But someone besides me says the lump is there, it exists, and I have a diagnostic mammogram booked for next Tuesday morning. Now I have to get through this weekend in Colorado with my daughter, our fun cowgirl weekend together, and not let on. I’m glad the mammogram isn’t tomorrow, actually – if it were, and I got bad news, it’d be much harder to keep it from her. I WILL have this weekend, have fun, enjoy my daughter, and not let this cast a shadow. If it’s bad news, it can wait until next week.

I just have to convince myself of that tonight.

I feel like screaming.

I can’t let my ex know. My big fear – he’ll just suck me right back in, take over, control everything, consume me. I have to think about how I’ll handle things if this IS malignant. After all I’ve been through, after all I had to do to get away … I can’t go back. He’ll want me back, want to remarry me and put me back on his health insurance. Health insurance, or the lack of it, is a scary thing. I have it now through my training program in WV; but if I do have cancer and need expensive treatment, will I be able to finish my residency? Will I lose my insurance if I can't continue? Will I be able to get work after, and get insurance given a pre-existing diagnosis of cancer? Will I be left with no insurance?

I’m panicking and that can’t happen. This will probably turn out to be a fibroadenoma. Except I’ve never had fibrocystic disease, ever. I’ve never had a cyst or a breast lump. Pretty strange for it to happen all of a sudden at 52. Not likely.

This is probably cancer. I’m going to get the diagnosis next week. And then what? Will I be up to doing my residency, to the MPH grad courses? So many questions. Not many positive answers.

I won’t die from this, I refuse. Holy shit, after all I’ve been through!!! After all the terrorizing, all the death threats, all the fear, the wasted time, the regrets.
I just can’t stand the pure bad karma I seem to have. One thing after another. I can’t seem to catch a break.

Tomorrow I’m going to the new student orientation for my MPH. I’ll sit there, join in the discussions, have lunch with everyone, and I won’t even know if I’ll be there at the classes. Next week my life could change completely. I know, I could get run over by a bus tomorrow and that would change my life too. But this … it’s like knowing that bus is coming next Tuesday, nothing I can do about it, and I may or may not survive the collision.