The Horrifyingly Maddening/Sad Nightmare

[Trilby]

I have this horrid dream every so often. It's been a while since I had it but I had it tonight and said fkk it, I'm just going to get up even though it's only three o'clock in the damned morning b/c I keep dreaming this same dream and it's making me NUTS.

It's a variation on a theme: I LOVED my second husband - I loved him like I was some start-struck fan and he was, oh, I don't know, David Cassidy. I had stars in my eyes the whole time we were married and I thought we were SOOOOO sympatico on virtually everything; my thoughts were his thoughts and vice versa. All that sickening rot. But he wasn't a rock star, he was my ACTUAL HUSBAND! I LOOOOOOOOOOOVED him! I really did. I was a goner.

then we got divorced (he divorced ME) and my life really fell apart. The drinking, which was already heading down a dark path, got pathological; I was in a dark, dark place all the time. I began shooting demerol. I can remember sitting in my one bedroom third floor walk up apt. (built to accomodate all those returning WWII vets) after the bliss of living with a husband I adored and my two little boys. Now I was in an apartment that didn't even have a bedroom for them - I was paying punishing child support for both boys and couldn't afford a bigger place. I was perplexed as to how I had gotten there.

I remember sitting on the couch, I was so depressed I literally couldn't MOVE, listening to the clock on the wall tick out my loneliness like a death-watch beetle. I thought my sadness would kill me. I thought it had killed me; I thought I was dead and in hell. This was '95-'96. I worked 11pm-7am at the hospital. I was so lonely.

Now, every once in a while, I'll have a dream about him; a dream in which he abandons me/betrays me again. This time he lured me to NYC, a place I didn't know and he did, and flaunted his gf in front of me and laughed in my face at my pain and I was crying/furious/punching his and her face in that ineffective dream way where no punch lands.

I said screw it. I'm up. I HATE this dream. I HATE this strange nocturnal reminder of that horrible time. I don't even really like him anymore; he's turned into such a controlling douche bag - but when we were married he was a happy-go-lucky DeadHead.
He's remarried, of fucking course.

thanks for listening. I'll go take some Valium now.

:crying: (but not really- just for dramatic effect)