please recommend a self help book, therapy, drug...

[justme]

woooow, you're beautiful. Now I 100% believe Arsen loves you

Stacey, it's good that you understand your problem with lack of mother's love. It's true that kids who didn't have parents love try to please everyone around just to feel they are not bad.
My parents loved me, I believe. However, they always told me that everything I'm doing or I'm interested in is wrong and bullshit. My mom used to love to tell her friends about me by negative way.

I was so surprised to realize that negativity still gives me a lack of self confidence. I thought I solved that problem. I was aggressive, confident, I knew what to do with my life. As result, I was successful business executive. And... I got surprise. Since I came here in totally new environment, I've lost my confidence for all these years. Even I know it's wrong, something inside of my mind telling me I'm piece of shit like my parents used to tell me. I understand they wished the best for me in the way they knew "the best".

I suggest I lost my job only because I was too good It's funny, but all that time I was trying to be perfect just to prove I'm goooood. As result, I was too good. I tried to help my boss (but have been asked for help!) just to prove I' good. I always was so nice, so friendly, so efficient, so helpful. Well, I was above. The result is negative, people feels very uncomfortable if somebody is better than they.
That's why, Stacey, try to find your level of co-workers you're dealing with.
Maybe, it's easy to make you crying at work because you stress yourself trying to prove you're good. You're always in alert to be goad every moment. Relax
Looking back to your childhood, just say your mom thanks she gave you birth, pretty look and good brain. And now move forward to yourself.
Don't you know where you are? Start looking for you.

I started again. I come back to my art and going to bring that to expensive gallery level. I'm set up my studio again, buying and making tools etc. Also, I 'm looking for another job will match with my educational level and my background. Also, I need to improve English because my English doesn't match with my educational level and my skills at all.
This is a plan. When you have a plan, you don't have time to look for definitions of problem, but you're ready to solve them.