Do guys really care about a girls sexual history?

[Sundae]

Bruce - I do honestly try to take other people's opinions on board. But these are rather... unusual opinions for this time and place (especially if he has read some of the other threads in Relationships) and they are put across quite forcefully.

It is hard not to react when someone tells you that women who have had more than one partner (aka sluts) have effectively damaged their own ability to form emotional bonds. I just don't see how someone could have come to that conclusion.

If you sleep with every man that shows a passing interest, your promiscuity is a symptom of your inability to have a relationship and possible self esteem issues. It is not the cause.

Imagine if you will your future mate being materially and family wise great but as a lover poor. You will fantasies about some past lover and in doing so cheapen your bond with your current mate. Essentially, betraying them... snip

I not saying that millions of promiscuous men and women can't eke out a relationship and marriage but look underneath and you will find bad relationships and broken families.

This is effectively backdated cheating. I believe that cheating in a relationship can change the dynamics, rocking it to its core so that the majority probably do not survive it. But the idea that I've spoiled myself for apples by eating an orange just doesn't make logical sense to me.

I think every women who could choose (all things being equal) between a man that is a virgin and one that’s sleep around would rather take the virgin. Its called emotional investment.

Oh come on! Maybe if you're in your first relationship and it's your first time. Definitely if you have strong religious or moral beliefs. But every woman? I'm afraid the NHS is a hotbed of sluts as a straw poll of my colleagues revealed only one who actually considered it. And even she decided it wouldn't make a difference to her, rather than replying "One virgin, extra large, wrapped to go please"

I’ll tell you from my own experience. I can tell if a girl has sleep around. The way she looks at you. The way she talks to you.

Like the word "slut" this is an inflammatory statement. At a rough guess, most of the men I am in contact with at work and socially have slept with more than one woman. And?

Most guys on the “prowl” can spot a slut in a bar from a mile away.

Again. Men go on the prowl, women are sluts. He probably thinks he can smell their ripe pussies as well.

You will never convince me that being a slut doesn’t carry over into any relationship they have.

I could shrug & give up. But it bugs me by being SO irrational if this is not a troll.
There was an interview in the newspaper this morning with Gary Barlow (boy band member, may not be known in the US). He estimated he slept with over 200 women while he was living the popstar lifestyle. He is married now, has been for 7 years and is happy and settled. He managed to subdue his inner slut somehow I guess.

Well, that's off my chest anyway. I disagree with most of bmwmcaw is saying on this topic and part of me will believe it is chain yanking until I see proof otherwise.

I'm a suspicious slut today

[xoxoxoBruce]

Your post is proof that he indeed did yank your chain, but I doubt that was his specific intent. I tend to believe his opinion is real because I've heard it, with some variation, many times before. Moreso when I was that age (in the '60s) than later, but my contact with that generation is somewhat limited....at least with guys.
That said, Hearing it from older guys doesn't surprise me, however, I'm a little surprised to hear it from a young guy. It makes me wonder if it is flourishing?

Your rebuttal is reasonable and well thought out, but it makes me believe you're a slut and should give me directions to your house immediately.

[morethanpretty]

Originally Posted by lumberjim

tha'ss an odd unit uv mayzure, to be sure. ay hoop i's no' an eendication uv 'is girth, lass. brings eemages uv troween a 'hot doog douwn a 'allway, it does.

lol its doesnt' even get close to the girth... actually it was really late when I posted that for some odd reason it seemed like pez sticks would make a good measurement unit :-) I really have never measured...doesn't seem relevant.

[yesman065]

Thanks Sunday girl - you made a very concise cogent argument - much better than I. Guess I can recognize greatness better than I can create it.

[Trilby]

Sundae, as usual, is right on.

Women with X number partners=slut
Men looking for poon='on the prowl'--after all, boys will be boys, eh? The moral high road MUST be taken by the women as men are incapable of controlling themselves!

Women who fool around? A pox upon them! And may their dirty, dirty girl parts fall off.

Now. Shall we talk about all the sluts who got raped 'coz they "asked for it"-? (and, you know they liked it. Secretly, they did.)

Sundae Girl,

Your rebuttal, which I loosely call, is exactly the rationalization that takes place once the milk get spilled.

Your premises are: Guys do it so why don't we. If it feels good then do it. Why take responsibility for your actions if your can rationalize it away.

Your cause and effect explanation isn't wrong so to speak but off target. ONE of the points being made was the lack of emotional investment by women that have had multiple partners. The betrayal in thoughts is as real as in the body. “Backdating?”

"But the idea that I've spoiled myself for apples by eating an orange just doesn't make logical sense to me."

Huh! What is this have to do with emotional bonding? You know the thing that irks you.

As for choosing a virgin over a "player." Using part of your questionable analogy, why buy an apple with worms when you can get fresh one off the tree. Quality counts in every purchase or investment, and money and looks have nothing to do with emotional quality. Are you going to rationalize away the obvious now? If your “friends” say it doesn’t matter then they are poor judges of what really matters in life.

For the men around you that you assume have had more than one lover, its irrelevant. You should reread my past post. Men do not have the sexual advantages of women! That’s why men who are successful bedding women are considered by some in our society as successful. I don’t think a man that presents himself as a possible long term mate then humps and dumps is a successful or moral man. But mans sexual success is base entirely on effort, where as women’s is a matter of choosing to say yes or no. WOMEN CHOOSE AND MEN WAIT TO BE CHOOSEN.

There is no double standard and sexual “freedom” isn’t free. My understanding of women’s liberation was about careers out side the home not about pulling there pants down and using false comparisons to justify it.

This string is about a women sexual history. It does matter for all the reasons I stated and to date other than opinions and kowtow from posters I haven’t seen or read one single rational or reasonable refutation.

[Happy Monkey]

Originally Posted by bmwmcaw

Your premises are: Guys do it so why don't we. If it feels good then do it. Why take responsibility for your actions if your can rationalize it away.

I thought the premise was that guys and girls both do it, why is it only considered bad for girls?

[Aliantha]

I have had far more sexual partners than my husband has. He's pretty happy with the outcome.

I guess that makes me a slut, but then again, don't 'all' men want a slut in the bedroom, a chef in the kitchen and something else somewhere else? (can't remember how that one finishes cause I think it's a load of tripe. I just thought I'd pop it in there for the benefit of bmw since he seems to believe in so many other stereotypes)

Relationships based on sexual history or performance will almost always fail because relationships aren't about sex. Sex is a benefit of being in a loving relationship and definitely something to look forward to, but it's not why you have the relationship in the first place - unless you're incredibly emotionally immature.

Some people enjoy living in the dark ages - bring on the inquisition I say!

[Undertoad]

PDF: CDC measurements of sexual behavior in males and females age 15-44

From tables pgs 28-29





ok then.

[Madman]

Originally Posted by DucksNuts

...like how many, who, how etc??

My gfs and I were discussing this last nite and it seems guys can still be a bit weirded out by a girl who has a fairly ...err...impressive? (not the word I was looking for ) sexual history.

Is it true? Do I need to dull down my resume?

Do guys just want sex from the ones that put out, or can they still fall in love with them??

I have this problem where I always say the first thing that comes to mind, so if I get asked a question...I never think..."do I answer this truthfully or should I be a bit vague?".

From my point of view, if a guy I am attracted to is going to be bothered by my past, he probably isnt the guy for me.

I don't see what importance ones sexual history is. Of course, you have to consider this era of record breaking STD's. Then of course you would probably like to know what kind of person you are dating before you get all kinky and shit.

I think if some guy gets all bothered to the point of becoming ballistic about a womans past sexual escapades. Then that guy has an insecurity issues. Same goes for the woman too.

How many of us are virgins by the time we hit 20 years of age? If someone asks you that, well why do they want to know. How do you answer? You don't. Unless you really want to find out what this person is all about (find out just how insecure he or she really is). Then again, say you say you had 15 partners. They say nothing but want to get you into the sack anyway. Follow your gut here. Some concern is normal reaction. Extreme concern is not normal and no concern is not normal.

Did I tell my wife 24 years ago? Yes. Did she tell me? Yes. Her reaction was more involved when I told her than when she told me. She reacted, I reacted but neither of us reacted to an extreme. More questions came out as our relationship grew. The reactions never increased. They actually decreased. Eventually (over the years) they never came up again (no point in it). Married, two kids. Who gives a shit who you slept with 24+ years ago? Not us!

Point is: watch for overeaction. That would be a flag.

Use common sense too. If they're 30 and a virgin they deserve a gold medal for overcoming natural human desires. If they're 30 and they haven't invented a word for that number - eh... think twice before you indulge.

[Griff]

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

If you sleep with every man that shows a passing interest, your promiscuity is a symptom of your inability to have a relationship and possible self esteem issues. It is not the cause.

This brings us back to the original question. I sometimes used my (obviously limited) knowlege of sexual history to screen potential partners because I could see the symptom, if not the underlying problem. Dating the town bicycle was never an option for me, since I wasn't a guy slut. Everyone has qualities they look for in their loves, a reasonably temperant approach to sexuality is one for many of us. Don't be insulted that people want different things, many folks want sex to be free of comittment and easily aquired but that doesn't fly for some of us so just cross us off your list of suitors. Some guys care and some guys don't, you decide which guys you want to date.

[Sundae]

Of course people are entitled to apply their own criteria in choosing a partner. And entitled to their own opinion as to what does/ does not make a woman a slut.

I don't agree that your sexual HISTORY follows you around like a bad smell. I'm not talking about people who have a long term cavalier approach to sexual partners, who wake up in a different bed or against the back wall of a bar every weekend. And neither was bmwmcaw from what I can tell. I'm talking about people who have had a number of relationships which have involved healthy, monogamous and emotionally satisfying sexual intercourse.

In my mind they have not cheapened themself, they are not damaged goods, wormy apples, sluts or bikes.

I also disagree with the idea that a man can be proud of the sluts he's nailed. He worked for it. He was the hunter and his was the prize. Whereas the dirty sluts should hang their heads in shame. They laid back with their open door policy and let anyone with a pulse do the nasty.

That is what I have a problem with. Not with someone saying that they waited until they were married and personally their opinion of women who don't is pretty low.

But I know I can't come to an agreement with bmwmcaw on this.

[Griff]

I agree that the double standard is nonsense.

[yesman065]

Undertoad - Give us a breakdown on the #'s - whats it all mean? Seems like men and women are pretty equal for the most part as far as the # of partners - no?

[Griff]

It would be neat to see more precise data to see if there is a normal distribution curve, but it looks real enough if you just divide the numbers.