Men Abortion and Choice

[DanaC]

Bizarre that she gets alimony off you if youhave the kids.

I know the system is fucked. Both here and over there. Mostly things stay out of the CSA unless the mother is claiming benefits of some kind, or if one or the other party ask fo rthem to be involved (I think is how it works). Usually things are decided through the courts instead. But even though they are usually fairer they still aren't entirely fair.

For example, I have a friend, D, who continues to pay alimony to his ex-wife as his contribution to the costs of raising his son and also as a recognition of the time she took out from her career to be a full time mum. He has done so since they first started divorce proceedings nearly 10 years ago, throughout the four years of strung out divorce and on through the five years since that was finalised. Kid's now just turned 17.

On the surface of it that sounds quite fair. Except that she earns significantly more than he does, because she's a fairly senior teacher (she may even be a headteacher, I'm not sure) whilst his social work payscale froze for several years because he went into union work. So, whilst he is earning less, driving a shit little car and going into debt in order to buy a season ticket for their team for him and his son, she's living a much easier life, having, as far as I can tell, been barely inconvenienced in her career by the two or three years she spent at home.

At the same time, I had a colleague a couple of years back whose abusive ex managed to secure visitation rights to the children and she had to wave them off in the car twice a week with a man she couldn't really trust with their safety. Why did the court not take her fears seriously? Because she was a housewife and he was a businessman, imo.

The truth is it's very difficult to get anything like a fair and amicable settlement unless both parties are trying to come to such a thing. The problem with an adversarial system is that it presupposes a winner and a loser.