Humor in Uniform

[Hubris Boy]

In addition to the goofy photo I posted in today's IotD, I recently received the following in an email from a buddy of mine who's stationed waaaaaay up north at Ft. Wainwright in Fairbanks, AK. I present it here, without comment, for the entertainment of my fellow Cellar Dwellars.

Real NCOs....[list=1][*]Can cuss for ten minutes without ever repeating a word.[*]Think MRE's taste good (with a little hot sauce).[*]Would like to see what kind of creature "ham and chicken loaf" comes from.[*]Have a spine.[*]Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument.[*]Can see in the dark.[*]Have eyes in the backs of their heads.[*]Would rather be on the flight line than behind a desk.[*]Have wet dreams about leading the assault on Baghdad.[*]Still don't trust the Russians.[*]Still hate the French.[*]Don't know how to be politically correct.[*]Don't give a damn about being politically correct.[*]Think "politically correct" should fall under "sodomy" in the UCMJ.[*]Love deploying to the field because there is less paperwork and more "real" work.[*]Can run 2 miles with a hangover, but can't pass a ten minute bike ride.[*]Do not fear women in the military.[*]Would actually like to date G.I. Jane.[*]Know that there is a difference between "giving orders" and "going through the orders process".[*]Don't like taking orders from a guy who couldn't get a DD 214.[*]Still know how to use a buffer.[*]Can tell you anything you want to know about the 90mm recoilless rifle, even though it's no longer in the Army inventory.[*]Believe that they DO have a rendezvous with destiny.[*]Believe that "Nuts" wasn't all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to the Germans at Bastogne.[*]Don't know how to use a "stress card".[*]Idolize John Wayne.[*]Don't believe that AAFES really needs a "commander".[*]Can remember when faggots weren't a "minority group".[*]Won't brief it if it is too complicated to fit on one page of those little green notebooks.[*]Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned at Little Big Horn.[*]Really don't like taking shit from those who haven't "been there".[*]Believe that "Commander's Call", was invented by individuals who couldn't lead their way out of a field latrine.[*]Know how to properly construct a field latrine.[*]Know how to do a daisy chain.[*]Know that a daisy chain is not a sex act.[*]Might admire the Germans, but still realize Patton kicked their asses![*]Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.[*]Don't believe a damn thing the Iraqis say.[*]Don't need a GPS to find themselves.[*]Think pilots are guys who wear pajamas to work.[*]Have enough BDUs and long johns in their closet to start a surplus store.[*]Still have greens in their closet, hoping they will eventually change back.[*]Can be found eating and bunking with the troops.[*]Are convinced that "wall-to-wall" counseling really works.[*]Have more time on the flight line than most others have in the chow line.[*]Know that volleyball and drinking 101, are the most important subjects taught in AIT.[*]Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop is missing.[*]Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it, nor when you can stand a track jack up in it.[*]Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M-16.[*]Know that shitty leaders will always say they have shitty soldiers.[/list=1]
Oh, and by the way...
A real NCO's wife:[list=1][*]has burn scars on her fingertips from ironing the pleated pockets on BDUs.[*] knows that "Platoon Party" means "Make room for the keg and start cooking."[*] knows that "TDY" means "Shine my boots and pack my bags. You're on your own."[*]knows that "Promotion Ceremony" means "I'll be home at 2 AM with 3 or 4 other drunken idiots who will need a place to sleep and breakfast in the morning."[/list=1]

[MaggieL]

This post remended me of something that showed up in my inbox back in August:
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Frank Ney wrote:

First, a word of intro For those of you that don't really know Skippy,
he's a friend of mine that, in a sad state of sobriety, decided to
join the Army. He's also one of the Universe's great agents of Chaos
and Discord. Feel free to email him with whatever questions you
might have, and don't be concerned about whether or not he knows you
or even if he understands what the hell you're talking about. I
don't. BTW: Skippy is in Psyops. The first time I met him he was
wearing a kilt made of fruit roll-ups.
Now, on to the list!

101 THINGS SKIPPY HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY ORDERED NOT TO DO IN THE US ARMY:
1) May not watch 'South Park' when I'm supposed to be working
2) My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess
Anastasia'
3) May not threaten anyone with black magic
4) May not challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for
hair
5) May not get silicone breast implants
6) May not play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any
officer
7) May not add 'In accordance with the prophecy' to the end
of answers I give to a question an officer asks me 8) May not add
pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters 9) Not
allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'
10) Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time
11) Not allowed to join the communist party
12) Not allowed to join any militia
13) Not allowed to form any militia
14) Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo
15) Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'
16) Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like
powers'
17) God may not contradict any of my orders
18) May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while
on duty
19) May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying
slime, even if I'm right
20) Must not taunt the French any more
21) Must attempt to not antagonize SAS
22) Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'
23) Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking
crack.
24) Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are,
especially if it's true
25) Must never confuse a Dutch soldier for a
French one
26) Must never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World
War 2!''
27) May not tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras
(British Airborne)
28) May not take the batteries out of the other
soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times)
29) The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'
30) Not allowed to wake any Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly
banging on the head with a bag of trash
31) Not allowed to let sock
puppets take responsibility for any of my actions
32) Not allowed to
let sock puppets take command of my post
33) Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for
everybody.
34) (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even
if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35) Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Mega-Deth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')
36) Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over)
37) Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'
38) Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'
39) Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on
the basis that the world is going to end, more than once. 40) I do
not have super-powers.
41) 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message
42) Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in
recruitment posters. 43) Camouflage body paint is not a uniform
44) I am not the atheist chaplain
45) I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg Boulevard and shake Daddy's little
money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies' 46) I am not
authorized to fire officers
47) I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser
states
48) I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision
49) Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'
50) Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours
51) Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations
52) Not allowed to yell 'Take that, Cobra!' at the rifle range
53) Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket' at the rifle range
54) 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.
55) An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit
56) An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve
electrical tape. 57) The proper response to a lawful order is not
'Why?'
58) The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence-
Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and
wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all
marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean
hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any
references to squid.
59) May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60) `The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.
61) If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine, it means he
outranks me. It does not mean `I have been promoted three more times
than you'.
62) "It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission" no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
63) Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
64) Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
65) There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
66) There is no `Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia
67) I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68) I may not line my helmet with tin foil to `Block out the space mind
control lasers'
69) May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.
70) I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71) I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
72) May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
73) No military functions are to be performed `Skyclad'.
74) Woad is not camouflage makeup.
75) May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
76) "Teddy Bear Teddy bear turn around" is *not* a cadence.
77) The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I
should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these
are not the droids you are looking for."
78) I may not call block my chain of command.
79) I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
80) Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81) May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
82) May not form any press gangs.
83) Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had
an experience I just had to write you about...."
84) Must not use military vehicles to `Squish' things.
85) Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting
the infamous Ft Bragg sniper incident.
86) May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the `field of honor'
87) If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
88) Most not refer to 1st Sgt as `Mom'
89) Must not refer to the Commander as `Dad'
90) Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room
inspection.
91) I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
92) When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony `Romper
Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.
93) Nerve gas is not funny.
94) Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
95) I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
96) `Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.
97) Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
98) The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not `Tell my
chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes
in their masks.'
99) A smiley face is not used to mark minefields.
100) Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to
tell new soldiers that they are.
101) I may not bury mice with full military honors, even if they are
"casualties of war".



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