Need advice for a friend, quick!

[Lady Sidhe]

You know, I really liked your advice. I can answer a few of the points in there as well, to perhaps give a fuller view of the picture. I've known this couple for going on 8 years or so, and I tend to hear it from both sides....so here goes:


Ok they HAVE talked about it. She told him how him hanging out with this girl made her feel...she found out about this girl when her friend borrowed her computer to check her email. Her husband started talking to her friend, and this girl came up. He said she was "eye candy" for one thing. Also, bear in mind that my friend supported her husband when he quit his job in anticipation of another job that never came through. He was out of work for a year, and they were scraping by. He stayed at home all day long, and didn't look for work, because as he put it, the jobs that were available were "beneath him" ....yet he didn't once help around the house. Then he started school and got a twenty hour a week job at the university. Half his pay goes to child support. When his wife was laid off and had trouble finding a job, he rode her about it like she was some kind of lazy slob..Now that she does have a job (and it's not high paying...even with a college degree, she had trouble finding one)he says she doesn't make enough....she works, keeps the house, does all the chores around the house, takes care of the child, takes care of the pets, does the shopping....all he does is go to school and work, and he picks their daughter up from the babysitter after work and keeps her for three hours until his wife gets home to watch her....he goes out with his friends but never invites her, yet expects her to get rid of her friends because he feels they aren't good enough.
They had the conversation about this girl, and he agreed to not hang out with her anymore. Then she finds out that he's inviting the girl for coffee, instead of his wife, and this girl is on his arm, where his wife should be. When she asked him about it, he said it had nothing to do with her. It has everything to do with her. She's his wife.

Seems to me that he's the one taking his WIFE for granted. I mean, he doesn't help her around the house at all, doesn't keep his promises to her. She adores this man, and she used to spoil him rotten, giving him backrubs, footrubs, making his favorite food, getting him little surprise presents. It was almost disgusting how much she loves him....but then he hit on her best friend, and she just withdrew in on herself after he blew her feelings off concerning that....Now don't get me wrong...she doesn't say that he's the only one at fault here. She knows how difficult her depression can be...but he knew she was on medication for depression when he met her, when he married her. She can't afford her meds right now (she's on 150mg of Zoloft a DAY, and that comes up to around $180 a month) but I also think that his thing with this other woman, the not helping her at all in daily life or around the house, the not being affectionate with her, and the criticism of her just adds to the depressive state she's in. Every time he's mean to her, or criticizes her, or she hears that he's spending time with this girl, or he blows off her feelings, she spirals further down. I'm watching it happen.

Babe, she DOES try to mitigate the depression...she meditates and writes poetry and draws....he's the one ignoring HER, though. She tries like hell to spend time with him. They go out for coffee every day...and I think that's why the coffee with the other girl hurt her so much...she considers doing coffee a "their thing," because that's what they used to do on dates: go have coffee and talk. She tries to flirt with him. I watch her do it...he's always too busy talking with other people on the computer or watching a movie or going out with his friends to respond.

She has talked to him. The first time, she told him how she feels that the attention he pays to this woman should be going to his wife. The time he spends with this woman should be spent with his wife...she basically told him that he was giving all of the good parts of himself to this woman, all of his "quality time" and leaving her with the mean, irritable parts of himself. She told him she missed him. And he told her he'd stop hanging around with this other girl. But he didn't. When she tried to talk to him about the coffee thing, he blew her off and said it had nothing to do with her.

>>I can somewhat agree with FnF's observations, but at the same time, if there was a guy who was taking my wife out to coffee, and I saw her hanging on his arm, I would NOT be cool with that. That crosses some boundaries in most healthy relationships.<<

That's exactly what she told him. She said that this girl had crossed the line when she put her hands on him. I think that the fact that she'd told him months before to tell that girl to keep her hands OFF, and then finds out that he's got her on his arm....that's inappropriate.

She also told her husband that if he didn't tell this girl to back off, that she would, and he said, "that's fine." Well, she did. She found out this girl's icq and sent her a message that said:

"As of now, you will cease all contact with my husband. Your behavior towards him is inappropriate. He is a married man. And keep your hands OFF."

I think the fact that this girl tried to hide her face when she saw my friend's best friend walking up indicates that she's got an ulterior motive towards my friend's husband. She spends all her time between classes with him, spends her lunch with him, goes to coffee with him, and hangs all over him. When she visits him at work, they're in a corner away from everyone else, and she's between him and anyone who wants to get to him. I mean, when his wife showed up to talk to him, she had to MAKE this girl give them privacy, and even then, after she left, the girl showed back up and wanted to know what they had talked about! Even if her husband is totally innocent as far as cheating, this girl is after him. Where he's wrong is this:

He blows off the fact that his association with this woman hurts his wife

He wants his wife to get rid of her friends, yet he doesn't offer to invite her anywhere, and he won't get rid of this woman...I mean, she's depressed, and he's not there for her, doesn't seem to care how she feels, yet he wants her to get rid of the only support network she has....

He should be trying to regain her trust after hitting on her best friend, not taking up with yet ANOTHER female...what freaks my friend out is the fact that this woman has red hair and big boobs, both of which her husband likes. The girl isn't even pretty (I've seen her), which adds insult to injury, but her husband tells everyone that he always ends up getting in trouble with redheads....I mean, what's my friend supposed to think?

She's tried talking to him. She's tried making deals with him...she's tried getting him to tell her how he's feeling....it's like he's being resistant and not wanting to let her in for some reason. She wants things to go back to the way they were, but every time they talk, and he makes promises to her, he breaks them.

He told her the first time that the reason he hung around this girl was because she wasn't stressful, (this was when my friend was going through a very deep period of depression...this was when he started ignoring her, and it just made her depression worse) So my friend made an effort to be more cheerful and fun to be around, even though it was difficult for her, being in the grip of a depressive episode. And she did improve. I saw it. Yet it made no difference. Instead of being there for her when she needed him, he spent his time with this girl. The thing is, he wants HER to change everything about herself, but he thinks that he can do no wrong. Rather than being supportive, he bails to some other girl, then when his wife finds out and gets more upset, he blames it on HER, saying that if she wasn't so stressed all the time, he wouldn't hang out with this girl...how much sense does that make? He avoids her because she's stressed, but she's stressed because he avoids her, spends time with other women, and leaves all the household, child, pet, etc. responsibility for her....Seems to me that if he would be good to her, she would be good to him. But she's not going to expend her energy when all he does is ignore her and never reciprocates. I mean, this woman never gets a break. She's always running, always cleaning, always working....and then she comes home just to be ignored.

God, just thinking about this makes me want to cry. For them both. For what they were, and could be again, if he would just accept his part in all this and stop blaming it all on her.

Sidhe