Humor...I Need Humor...

[Sheldonrs]

Peter Marshall: What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk... and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies.

Peter Marshall: According to Amy Vanderbilt, what is the maximum length of time you and your fiancé should be engaged?
Rose Marie: Engaged in what?


Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently said, "I am sorry. I am sorry for them both." Who was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: His fans.

Peter Marshall: On what night is a woman most likely to be molested?
Rose Marie: With my luck, it's probably tonight - and I'm working.

Peter Marshall: Your sheep has a temperature of 102. Is she normal?
Burt Reynolds: People think I'm not normal because I keep taking her temperature.

Peter Marshall: You're a 71-year-old man who has lost interest in sex. Does your doctor have anything to help you?
Charley Weaver: No, but his nurse does.

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: You're a shy, bashful girl. According to "Cosmo," will you probably be helped in overcoming your shyness by choosing an extroverted, outgoing husband?
Rose Marie: Gosh, Pete, I did that once and his wife caught us.

Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Peter Marshall: True or false, George: experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver. That's why they asked the question.

Peter Marshall: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.

Peter Marshall: Say Paul, what is the official currency of Puerto Rico?
Paul Lynde: Food Stamps.

Peter Marshall: According to the IRS, out of every 10 Americans audited, how many end up paying more taxes?
Paul Lynde: 11.

Peter Marshall: According to a recent medical study, sex can be harmful to a certain part of the body. Which part?
Jan Murray: I'm sorry, what? I couldn't hear the question. A little louder, please?
Peter Marshall: According to a recent medical study, sex can be harmful to a certain part of the body...
Jan Murray: Six? Six can hurt a body? Oh, SEX... I remember. I'll say the eyes because I read about it so much.

Peter Marshall: Charley, how many balls are on a pool table in a standard game of 8-ball?
Charley Weaver: How many men are on the table?

Peter Marshall: When Henry Kissinger recently visited Japan, he went to a geisha house. Now, how did he spend his time in the geisha house?
Paul Lynde: Oh, negotiating for peace (piece).

Peter Marshall: Will humming help your tennis game?
Florence Henderson: Will humming help my tennis game? Sure, why not? It takes your mind off your balls, or something.

Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been...” what?
Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.

Peter Marshall: Back in the 1870s, Emile Berliner invented something, and without it, I wouldn't be able to do my job. What was it?
Paul Lynde: Let's see... toupees? Facelifts? Contact lenses?
Peter Marshall: Now cut that out!
Paul Lynde: ...Makeup? Capped teeth? Loud sports jackets?

Peter Marshall: True or false, Paul - Gypsy folklore says that God created man by baking him in an oven.
Paul Lynde: [turns and looks at Leslie Uggams] Looks like you were overcooked.
[Leslie Uggams laughed so hard she was lying across the desk. She then she got up, walked over to Paul, smacked him on his shoulder, and walked back to her square laughing along with all the stars and the audience]

Peter Marshall: What's the one thing you should never do in bed?
Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!

Peter Marshall: In "The Wizard Of Oz", the Tin Man wanted a heart, and the Lion wanted courage. What did the Straw Man want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.

Peter Marshall: True or false: According to columnist Bert Bacharach, people tend to start shrinking a little after age 30.
Paul Lynde: Did you know that Rose Marie is standing up right now in her cubicle?
Rose Marie: [to Paul] OH, SHUT UP!

Peter Marshall: True or false, having a good memory is a sign of a well-adjusted personality.
Karen Valentine: What was the question?

[the loud horn sounds to signify time running out on the nighttime show]
Peter Marshall: Let me explain what that means...
Big Bird: Don't look at me!

Peter Marshall: According to the World Book, what is the biggest bird on Earth?
Big Bird: Well, you mean other than me?
Peter Marshall: Uh-huh. What kind of bird are you by the way?
Big Bird: I'm a lark.
Peter Marshall: [cracking up] A lark?
[Audience laughter]
Peter Marshall: [still laughing] You certainly are!

[Big Bird is picked and turns out to be the Secret Square]
Peter Marshall: Did you ever dream that one day you'd be worth 94 hundred dollars?
Big Bird: Gosh! I was excited about 63 cents!

[reading of the bonus prize after player won the match]
David Brenner: Here's the news, do you ride a bike?
Peter Marshall: [to contestant] Do you ride a bike?
[contestant nods]
David Brenner: You do? Good, because in Yugoslavia your prize would be called, "Five thousand American dollars".
[contestant freaks out; Marshall counts off five one-thousand-dollar bills]

Peter Marshall: Paul, does Ann Landers think there is anything wrong with you if you do your housework in the nude?
Paul Lynde: No, but I have to be terribly careful when I do my ironing.

Demond Wilson: What do you like for breakfast?
[Peter Marshall starts to speak]
Demond Wilson: [sternly] Don't tell me "grits"!


Peter Marshall: At a recent hearing, opponents of flourinated water argued that too much flourine in a person's system can cause an uncontrolable desire for sex.
Paul Lynde: [excitedly] HEY, CULLIGAN MAN!

Peter Marshall: Wally, what is the signature phrase of the cartoon character Underdog?
[Cox was voice of Underdog for the duration of the cartoon's airings]
Wally Cox: Where are my residuals?

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, you husband, Edgar, is talking in his sleep. Should you be upset if he talks about his secretary?
Joan Rivers: And how... his secretary is a guy!

Peter Marshall: In baseball, there's a special name for the area between a player's knees and his armpits.
Paul Lynde: [referring to a certain jingle] Aren't you glad? Aren't you glad? *Aren't you glad... * he used Dial?

Peter Marshall: Paul, everyone knows the first verse.
[singing]
Peter Marshall: What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / Early in the morning? But what is the first line of the next verse?
Paul Lynde: [singing] Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Early in the morning
[audience laughs]
Paul Lynde: How disgusting... that poor sailor!

Peter Marshall: True or false, Paul Revere had 16 children?
Paul Lynde: From *one* midnight ride?

Peter Marshall: Your date's had a great shock, now she's fainted. According to experts you should loosen her clothing, and do one other thing. What?
Paul Lynde: Send a postcard requesting an ambulance.
Peter Marshall: You don't get along with this young lady obviously.

Peter Marshall: Paul, how do we know the first Union flag was sewn by Betsy Ross?
Paul Lynde: [in a deep overly-serious voice, singing popular TV jingle of the time] You look for, the Union Label, when you buy...

Peter Marshall: Okay, pick a star.
Contestant: Steve Landesberg?
Peter Marshall: I said, pick a star!
Steve Landesberg: Hey!
[audience laughter]
Steve Landesberg: That's okay, I've seen your act!

Peter Marshall: True or false, on a recent talk show, Joey Heatherton said, "I am not a sexpot."
Jan Murray: She's right, Pete, but you're a damn good emcee.

[Tony Randall has just been asked a question]
Tony Randall: [staring dramatically into the camera] I don't *know*.
[wild audience laughter]
Peter Marshall: This is a bluffing game! You're supposed to come up with a bluff if you don't know the answer, you silly twerp!
Tony Randall: Well, *I'm* sorry...

Peter Marshall: True or false, every day, about 10 million American women take the pill.
Paul Lynde: And I could name 'em all!

Peter Marshall: Can you get a closer shave in the morning or in the evening?
Rose Marie: I don't know, Peter! I don't shave!
[short pause]
Rose Marie: My face, I mean. What a stupid question.

Peter Marshall: According to the nursery rhyme, "There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn't know what to do". What did she give her children to eat?
Charley Weaver: She lived in a shoe? Filet of sole!

Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Peter Marshall: True or false, massaging the feet helps some people with hot flashes?
George Gobel: So that's why Rose Marie wears battery-operated shoes.
Rose Marie: OH! I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO SAY THAT! I KNEW IT!

Peter Marshall: Paul, how many fingers in the girl scout salute?
Paul Lynde: Gee, I don't remember. The last time I saw it was when I didn't buy their cookies.

[Crimson Ghost]

Quite the rational child.

What's with the pony sticker?

Aren't there Paris Hilton stickers available?

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Crimson Ghost

What's with the pony sticker?

That's a Hore sticker. That's what he wants to be.

[Shawnee123]

glatt, did you lose my email? I didn't get a forward of this.

[TheMercenary]

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

[capnhowdy]

Tony brought his cat to school today.
His teacher asked, " Tony, why did you bring your cat to school?" Tony replied, in tears " Because I heard my Dad tell Mom twice last night "When these kids get back to school I'm gonna tear that pussy up!".

[Nirvana]

WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER
>
>
> Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
>
> She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah .. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
>
> Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
>
> They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
>
>
>
> In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
>
> Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
>
> Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
>
> Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
>
> Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
>
> Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
>
> So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.' Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

[jester]

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a
brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500
and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The
Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of
my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

[jester]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...




"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional

nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a

patient."



"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his

trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had

ever seen.. Length and width, it couldn't have been

bigger than a AAA battery.



Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then

fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later she was able

to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.



"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I

don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and

a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,

what seems to be the problem? "



"It's swollen," Fred replied

[SteveDallas]

Fuck my life.
(No photos, but high likelihood of NSFW language.)

[Nirvana]

That's a great time waster SD! Just when you think your own life sucks someone else's life sucks more!

[sweetwater]

Agreed. I'm up to pg 50 and still laughing at some of them. Probably deserves a Cellar Thread, perhaps with an anonymous account so we can share personal experiences with no consequences. I wouldn't want someone reading my posts and always thinking about that one time that I...

[classicman]

Two women were playing golf.......

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away, laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?


He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

[toranokaze]

Today, I had the cops called on me because I accidently texted "I'm going to kill you and use your head as hood ornament" to my ex-fiance, instead of my best friend. I only texted that because he got a better grade on an exam than me. Now I have a court date. FML

Texting, it will make you go to court.

[Elspode]

Denny's is offering a new morning meal in honor of the octuplet mom. The Nadya Suleman Breakfast consists of 14 eggs, no sausage...and everyone else in the place has to pay for your meal.