Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 186

lumberjim · 08-19-2009, 12:16 AM

Quote:

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

great post QoR.

lots of chuckles in that one.

...and Dar.....if you're turning on the spigot before you get in...you don't qualify for inclusion in that group of fictional people

Nirvana · 08-20-2009, 05:58 PM

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits
down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a
black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have
black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was
at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive
breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, "I'd like two
tickets to Pittsburgh ," I accidentally said, "I'd like two pickets to
Tittsburgh". So she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue
twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my
wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey." But I accidentally

said, "You've ruined my life you fat, evil bitch".

Shawnee123 · 08-20-2009, 09:50 PM

@ dar: it's those split seconds of cold that are too jolting! That's too much planning for the shower head direction, and too defensive to hold your hand up to ward off jolts, when it's easier to just let it start without you.

haggis

Nirvana · 08-22-2009, 07:07 PM

Very Short Story

Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.

The woman yells out the window, PIG!

Man yells out window, BITCH!

Man rounds next curve.

Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day: If men would just listen.

Madman · 08-26-2009, 11:41 AM

Have a few minutes to kill. Got this in an email from my boss today. Thought I'd share it with you.

Enjoy...

.......................................................................................................
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque, She pulls a Rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great.... That's just great! Some asshole's got my pen!

toranokaze · 08-26-2009, 01:22 PM

That reminds me of a blond joke.
How do you know a blond is having a bad day.
There is a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pen

classicman · 08-27-2009, 11:17 AM

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all : 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

Have a Blessed Day!

dar512 · 08-27-2009, 11:25 AM

Chuckled out loud.

Flint · 08-27-2009, 01:23 PM

Quote:

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

While my water heats up, I like to go outside and have a smoke.

Just kidding, I don't smoke.

I like to go outisde and have a chaw.

Which brings up the next question:

If it's okay to pee in the shower, and it's okay to poop in the shower, is it okay to spit my tobaccy juice in the shower?

dar512 · 08-27-2009, 01:53 PM

Just make sure you empty it before the next showerer.

glatt · 08-27-2009, 01:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flint

If it's okay to pee in the shower, and it's okay to poop in the shower, is it okay to spit my tobaccy juice in the shower?

I know we have covered peeing, but pooping? Seriously?

Flint · 08-27-2009, 02:05 PM

You know, it's just like the book says: Everybody Poops, In the Shower

monster · 08-27-2009, 02:31 PM

Why poop in the shower when you have a cat to do it for yoy?

monster · 08-28-2009, 04:09 PM

I was reminded of the Flame warriors and was having a great laugh rereading them and assigning types to dwellars (nope, not namin' nothin'), so I was going to resurrect the Flame warriors thread, but then I reread it and noticed it wasn't one of our best and I didn't want to be a Necromancer so I thought I'd post the link here instead. Flame Warriors

and I came up with a new one: MeMeMe. I think I may be one of these.
MeMeMe cannot let a meme die -even on 9/11, you insensitive bastards- and is on a mission to use evryone at least once a day. Cock.

haggis be

morethanpretty · 09-01-2009, 05:00 PM

08-20-2009, 05:58 PM	#2
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, "I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh ," I accidentally said, "I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh". So she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey." But I accidentally said, "You've ruined my life you fat, evil bitch". __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

08-20-2009, 09:50 PM	#3
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	@ dar: it's those split seconds of cold that are too jolting! That's too much planning for the shower head direction, and too defensive to hold your hand up to ward off jolts, when it's easier to just let it start without you. haggis __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

08-22-2009, 07:07 PM	#4
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Very Short Story Man driving down road. Woman driving up same road. They pass each other. The woman yells out the window, PIG! Man yells out window, BITCH! Man rounds next curve. Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies. Thought For the Day: If men would just listen. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

08-26-2009, 11:41 AM	#5
Madman has left the building. Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 455	Have a few minutes to kill. Got this in an email from my boss today. Thought I'd share it with you. Enjoy... ....................................................................................................... A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, She pulls a Rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great.... That's just great! Some asshole's got my pen! Attached Images

08-26-2009, 01:22 PM	#6
toranokaze I'm still a jerk Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Little Mexico Posts: 1,817	That reminds me of a blond joke. How do you know a blond is having a bad day. There is a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pen __________________ "Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible." - Frank Zappa It is the ignorance of ignorance that lead to the death of knowledge The Virgin Mary does not weep for her son, for he is in paradise. She weeps for the world , for we are in suffering.

08-27-2009, 11:17 AM	#7
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH! There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone brother 2. He liked Gospel 3. He didn't get a fair trial But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father's business 2. He lived at home until he was 33 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with His hands 2. He had wine with His meals 3. He used olive oil But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut His hair 2. He walked around barefoot all the time 3. He started a new religion But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 1. He was at peace with nature 2. He ate a lot of fish 3. He talked about the Great Spirit But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all : 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it 3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do Have a Blessed Day! __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

08-27-2009, 11:25 AM	#8
dar512 dar512 is now Pete Zicato Join Date: May 2003 Location: Chicago suburb Posts: 4,968	Chuckled out loud. __________________ "Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain." -- Friedrich Schiller

08-27-2009, 01:53 PM	#10
dar512 dar512 is now Pete Zicato Join Date: May 2003 Location: Chicago suburb Posts: 4,968	Just make sure you empty it before the next showerer. __________________ "Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain." -- Friedrich Schiller

08-27-2009, 02:05 PM	#12
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	You know, it's just like the book says: Everybody Poops, In the Shower __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

08-27-2009, 02:31 PM	#13
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Why poop in the shower when you have a cat to do it for yoy? __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

08-28-2009, 04:09 PM	#14
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	I was reminded of the Flame warriors and was having a great laugh rereading them and assigning types to dwellars (nope, not namin' nothin'), so I was going to resurrect the Flame warriors thread, but then I reread it and noticed it wasn't one of our best and I didn't want to be a Necromancer so I thought I'd post the link here instead. Flame Warriors and I came up with a new one: MeMeMe. I think I may be one of these. MeMeMe cannot let a meme die -even on 9/11, you insensitive bastards- and is on a mission to use evryone at least once a day. Cock. haggis be __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

09-01-2009, 05:00 PM	#15
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	__________________ Addicts may suck dick for coke, but love came up with the idea to put a dick in there to begin with. -Jack O'Brien

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 2 (0 members and 2 guests)

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Switch to Linear Mode Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode