Humor...I Need Humor...

[TheMercenary]

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCH UNIT...
(or what i call the star chamber)

1. Schizophrenia -- Do I Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

4. Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and....

6. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming To Town To Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, and I Don't Know Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent Night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.....

[Shawnee123]

Stumbled upon:

[Nirvana]

I was made in Frankfort Never heard other kids parents use that word but mine. LOL!

[dar512]

My Mom's grandparents came over from the Alsace-Lorraine area in the 1850s.

[Nirvana]

My parents came over but I don't remember much about my in utero plane ride.

[squirell nutkin]

My wife, who is German, thought the word hinder was a stupid cutesy affect until she was looking in one of her artist's anatomy bibles and saw that it was, in fact, a technical term for the, umm, hinder.
In other words:
Meine Frau, die deutsch ist, Gedanke das Hinter Wort war ein dummer cutesy Affekt, bis sie in einem ihres artist' schaute; s-Anatomiebibeln und Säge, dass es tatsächlich ein technischer Ausdruck für war, umm, Hinter.

[Trilby]

^^^ I really had NO idea.

learn something new every day.

[DanaC]

It wouldn;t play the video for me. But bloody hell! fascinating article!

[glatt]

The funeral


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, " I never seen nothin like that before and I've been puttin in septic tanks for over twenty years."

[jujuwwhite]

Subject: Ten Truths About Life



Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one
can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him
without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky ... Not really good for
anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down
the stairs.

Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, laying in
hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a
substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2 In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 TRUTH: 'Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do
today, might burn your ass tomorrow.'

[squirell nutkin]

Variation on #7:
Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day; light a man afire and he's warm for the rest of his life.

[Pete Zicato]

Even as a Christian, I find this funny:
.
.

[capnhowdy]

LMAO @ juju

[BrianR]

The doctor said, “Jerry, the good news is that I can cure your
headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press
on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he
had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need – a new
suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see…size 44
long.” Jerry laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the
business 60 years!” Jerry tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How
about a new shirt?” Jerry thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Jerry and said, “Let’s see…34 sleeve and 16 and a
half neck.” Jerry was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the
business 60 years!” Jerry tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How
about new shoes?” Jerry was on a roll and said, “Sure.” The salesman
eyed Jerry’s feet and said, “Let’s see…9-1/2 E.” Jerry was astonished,
“That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!”

Jerry tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Jerry walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
“How about some new underwear?” Jerry thought for a second and said,
“Sure.” The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see, size 36.”
Jerry laughed “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache.”

[Pete Zicato]

There was an article in Readers Digest years ago. A guy kept blacking out. They gave him all sorts of neural tests and only after they had tried about everything did they figure it out and fixed him up -- by telling him to buy shirts with a larger neck size. When he turned his head, the neck of the shirt was blocking his carotid artery and he would pass out.