Confession Time

[infinite monkey]

Originally Posted by DanaC

Right. That's it. I am done with the histrionics.

You are impossible to interact with Infi.

And you're a hypocrite. And meaner than you'll ever believe.

Now go find some red carpet for your less histrionic new friend.

[jimhelm]

So, me trying to be nice, and more considerate than I have been is a bad thing?

How does it belie talk of love and friendship? I missed that leap... I do love you and think of you as my friend, shaw. What did I say that contradicts that? Because I made a joke list, I've been lying about caring about you?

What can I do to prove my affection for you?

[jimhelm]

It's a lot easier being a hammer, btw.

[DanaC]

Whatever Infinite Monkey.

You're the one who made this about you. You're the one staking out sides (her or you). Imade a considered post putting forward my own take on the situation. I didn't attack you or accuse you of anything.

What i got in response was this:

Originally Posted by infinite monkey

And once again, it's the big meanie weanies faults. So "she got mad" but that's OK.

No one else is to get mad back and respond?

How's this: one of your meanie weanies has had enough of finger pointing and the pretense of 'so fair and caring' which is actually meanness personified, not to mention how it belies the talk of friendship and love.

How's this?: I cry EVERY SINGLE DAY. And yet, I come to the Cellar for laughs, and whatever it is I'm going through comes through, because some of you so called FAIR people can be anything but fair, so I respond...but I'm a big meanie weanie because I call something as I see it?

I remember finding out how a certain beloved dwellar has some mental issues. AFTER the fact, I heard: well gee, I wish I'd been nicer.

So WHERE do you get who is to be treated with kid gloves and who gets to be pointed out as a meanie weanie by the saints.

I come to the cellar because I'm lonely. I'm leaving because my 'friends' here make me feel more alone and isolated than my actual life.

There, how's that? Perfect for you, i"M sure. YOu can be rid of me AND tell me to quit being a martyr.

I'm so tired of trying to fit in, myself. Maybe BD or LR, whoever it is, had the right idea.

They both accomplished the same goal.

Meek and innocent and downtrodden my ass.

So, basically, anytime I don't simply take your word for it that the girl is bad news. Or try to see what it might be like for a newcomer to our fold, I am apparently betraying you.

But here's the thing. What I said about her reacting to us as a group? Is exactly what you do. From time to time a handful of people get under your skin and then you explode at the entire collective. I am just considering the possibility that this is exactly what BD has just done.

I haven't said she is genuine. I haven't said she isn't. What I've done is consider the possibility that she is, and if so what her experience of us may have been.

Every time a newcomer arrives and there's a little trouble, I consider these things. And every time I do, you take it personally and start flinging shit at me.

Had. Enough.

[DanaC]

I dunno if you think I have steel skin or something. It is possible for you to hurt me too.

Somehow that never matters though does it?

Maybe I should be more vehement in my expressions. Then you'd know for sure when you got a hit.

[infinite monkey]

You had enough of me a long time ago. You can tie pretty bows around the shit you sling but that doesn't change the fact that it's shit.

Oh, you think I'd like a little consideration from you? How very fucking human of me.

Why I always thought we'd end up friends, I have no idea. You only see pain if you get to hold up a big sign about how you are uniquely qualified to sense pain.

Now tell me more how much I suck. How I made this about me. I've had enough, too. You are not the moral fucking compass of the cellar.

Yes, it's nice that you give the benefit of the doubt to the new person. That's a good quality you have. But once you decide that another person isn't worthy of such consideration, it's a done deal, isn't it?

[DanaC]

*nods*

ok.


For the record. That was a hit. As was the one before.

[infinite monkey]

Originally Posted by DanaC

I dunno if you think I have steel skin or something. It is possible for you to hurt me too.

Somehow that never matters though does it?

Maybe I should be more vehement in my expressions. Then you'd know for sure when you got a hit.

And that's exactly how I feel! I'm not made of steel. I don't know how to reach out and send a PM about how I need someone to show they care.

I have honestly gone back and forth between wanting so desperately for you to like me, and being so mad at you....because I think you don't like me.

Everything in the last couple pages felt like a hit to me...as has many many many posts in the last couple months.

My hangup? Maybe, probably. There is no reason for anyoen to want to hear what my issues are. I know that I lash out. I've admitted it. I'm under some tests by my doc to figure out what exactly is going on in my head. My only issues aren't here, and, believe it or not...I used to be a pretty fine person.

And I"m stuck somewhere between hiding behind my anger, and so much wanting to think someone gives a shit.

Many responses to me feel like hits.

Again, my hangup? Probably.

And it's best for me not to subject everyone to that, wouldn't you say? You're not mind readers, and I can't reach out.

So it's an impasse.

fwiw, I've admired much about you.

[infinite monkey]

Also, I didn't see your post that I just responded to when I posted Post # 336. I'm not completely heartless.

[DanaC]

Oh for fuck's sake. Infi. I DO like you. I have ALWAYS liked you. You baffle me at times. But I have never not liked you.

If I didn't like you I wouldn't give a shit what you thought of me. The times when you've blown up at me would have just sailed over my head as meaningless noise.

I made what I thought was a mildly contentious point about us as a group (myself included) and suddenly found myself being lambasted by my friend. Truth now: I was crying a few minutes ago. I don't often cry over internet attacks, but when they come from friends they fucking hurt.

[DanaC]

Look. Let's just set this to one side, eh? I honestly didn;t mean any attack on you with my comments about BD. If any of it came across as an attack, I am sorry. It was certainly not my intention to make you feel shit. Really it wasn't.

As to me getting upset: well, I'm in a slightly emotional place right now. Tears come more easily than normal I guess. Just one of those things :p

[infinite monkey]

I've been crying too. In the parking garage. Like a fucking child.

I'm so sorry Dana. Really. I'm such a shit and I'm sorry.

Everything feels personal and my most logical part of myself telling me it's not is no help.

I, so caught up in my crap feelings, and doing something that is the exact opposite of what I always thought made a little special: understanding when people are in pain, and avoiding hurting people I care about, and trying to lift up and not stomp down.

I am so sorry.

[infinite monkey]

Originally Posted by DanaC

Look. Let's just set this to one side, eh? I honestly didn;t mean any attack on you with my comments about BD. If any of it came across as an attack, I am sorry. It was certainly not my intention to make you feel shit. Really it wasn't.

As to me getting upset: well, I'm in a slightly emotional place right now. Tears come more easily than normal I guess. Just one of those things :p

Me too. I'm worried about my health. I want to pull myself up by my bootstraps, but every day I fall at some point or other.

I'm sorry I took it as an attack. My paranoia has reached new highs.

[DanaC]

*hugs*

Forget about it now, hon. We all do it. It says nothing about you. All those things you considered makes you a little special are still firmly in place.

[DanaC]

Originally Posted by infinite monkey

Me too. I'm worried about my health. I want to pull myself up by my bootstraps, but every day I fall at some point or other.

I'm sorry I took it as an attack. My paranoia has reached new highs.

That point isn't when you're attempting to pull up by your bootstraps by any chance? :p