Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 152

Pie · 11-07-2008, 05:48 PM

A lady walks into her doctors office screaming. She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?"
The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?"
The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different story!"

My name is mud · 11-09-2008, 06:48 AM

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

My name is mud · 11-09-2008, 06:49 AM

A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, "How much?" He doesn't hear her correctly and says "Come again?" She giggles and says "No... it's just mustard this time."

My name is mud · 11-09-2008, 06:56 AM

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma had a mild stroke, couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew... "They won't let me fart."

Pie · 11-09-2008, 12:32 PM

A math professor was explaining a particularly complicated calculus concept to his class when a frustrated pre-med student interrupts him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the pre-med blurts out.

The professor pauses, and answers matter-of-factly: "Because math saves lives."

"How?" demanded the student. "How on Earth does calculus save lives?"

"Because," replied the professor, "it keeps certain people out of medical school."

xoxoxoBruce · 11-09-2008, 12:53 PM

Pie, you find the bestest jokes.

Scriveyn · 11-09-2008, 12:54 PM

The math professor has asked one of the above mentioned students: Tell me, what is 2 plus 2?

After some hesitation the student ventures: Mmmh, five?

The professor: That's wrong.

The students in the auditorium chorussing: Give him another chance, give him another chance!

The professor: ok, ok.

The student after lengthy consideration: three?

The professor: Wrong again!

Students: Give him another chance, give him another chance!

The professor: ok, once last chance. And I'll give you a clue, it's between your two previous answers.

The student gives this some thought and comes up with: Four?!

The chorus of students: Give him another chance, give him another chance!

Pie · 11-09-2008, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Pie, you find the bestest jokes.

Radar · 11-10-2008, 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by My name is mud

A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, "How much?" He doesn't hear her correctly and says "Come again?" She giggles and says "No... it's just mustard this time."

I liked that joke better when the blond was still Monica Lewinsky

Pie · 11-10-2008, 05:28 PM

An oldie:

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said. "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

toranokaze · 11-11-2008, 08:00 PM

A Guy and girl meet at the bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night, and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.

The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on. He reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.

She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for? Are you some kinda pervert?"

He looks at her, drops his shorts and smiles kinda sexy.

She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his johnson which hangs more that halfway to his knees.

He breaks her spell by saying, "Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere, baby."

footfootfoot · 11-12-2008, 11:21 AM

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

(The third man was probably ZippyT...)

classicman · 11-12-2008, 01:03 PM

A Touching Story:

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked...'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness that sure is a lot', she exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled,
'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

LabRat · 11-12-2008, 02:29 PM

.

lookout123 · 11-12-2008, 03:04 PM

You know those covered bridges in Iowa, LR? Many of the paintings you'll find of those bridges were done by my great grandfather. He was still painting them from memory after he was legally blind. he was a mean old bastard.

11-07-2008, 05:48 PM	#2266
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	A lady walks into her doctors office screaming. She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?" The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?" The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different story!" __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

11-09-2008, 12:32 PM	#2270
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	A math professor was explaining a particularly complicated calculus concept to his class when a frustrated pre-med student interrupts him. "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the pre-med blurts out. The professor pauses, and answers matter-of-factly: "Because math saves lives." "How?" demanded the student. "How on Earth does calculus save lives?" "Because," replied the professor, "it keeps certain people out of medical school." __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

11-09-2008, 12:53 PM	#2271
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Pie, you find the bestest jokes. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

11-10-2008, 05:28 PM	#2275
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	An oldie: A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," the woman replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk." "I know," she said. "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came." __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

11-11-2008, 08:00 PM	#2276
toranokaze I'm still a jerk Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Little Mexico Posts: 1,817	A Guy and girl meet at the bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night, and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom. The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on. He reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her. She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for? Are you some kinda pervert?" He looks at her, drops his shorts and smiles kinda sexy. She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his johnson which hangs more that halfway to his knees. He breaks her spell by saying, "Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere, baby." __________________ "Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible." - Frank Zappa It is the ignorance of ignorance that lead to the death of knowledge The Virgin Mary does not weep for her son, for he is in paradise. She weeps for the world , for we are in suffering.

11-09-2008, 06:48 AM	#2267
My name is mud Smooth Ruffian Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Austin Posts: 47	A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

11-09-2008, 06:49 AM	#2268
My name is mud Smooth Ruffian Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Austin Posts: 47	A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, "How much?" He doesn't hear her correctly and says "Come again?" She giggles and says "No... it's just mustard this time."

11-09-2008, 06:56 AM	#2269
My name is mud Smooth Ruffian Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Austin Posts: 47	The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma had a mild stroke, couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew... "They won't let me fart."

11-09-2008, 12:54 PM	#2272
Scriveyn amnesic-confabulatory opsimath Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Between my ears Posts: 739	The math professor has asked one of the above mentioned students: Tell me, what is 2 plus 2? After some hesitation the student ventures: Mmmh, five? The professor: That's wrong. The students in the auditorium chorussing: Give him another chance, give him another chance! The professor: ok, ok. The student after lengthy consideration: three? The professor: Wrong again! Students: Give him another chance, give him another chance! The professor: ok, once last chance. And I'll give you a clue, it's between your two previous answers. The student gives this some thought and comes up with: Four?! The chorus of students: Give him another chance, give him another chance!

11-12-2008, 11:21 AM	#2277
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The man replied, 'These are Carols.' (The third man was probably ZippyT...) __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

11-12-2008, 01:03 PM	#2278
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	A Touching Story: Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished, Mary asked...'How much for that faucet?' Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.' 'My goodness that sure is a lot', she exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy and Walt went to the back room to find it. From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?' Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.' __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt Last edited by classicman; 11-12-2008 at 01:31 PM.

11-12-2008, 02:29 PM	#2279
LabRat twatfaced two legged bumhole Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 3,143	. Attached Images __________________ Strength does not come from how much weight you can lift, or how many miles you can run. It comes from knowing that you set a goal, and rose to the challenge. Strength comes from within.

11-12-2008, 03:04 PM	#2280
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	You know those covered bridges in Iowa, LR? Many of the paintings you'll find of those bridges were done by my great grandfather. He was still painting them from memory after he was legally blind. he was a mean old bastard. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 28 (0 members and 28 guests)

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode