Humor...I Need Humor...

[footfootfoot]

Top gear had an episode where a British Red Devil in a wing suit raced a Porche Cayenne turbo.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by glatt

Only if his lane is free flowing and the other lane is filled bumper to bumper with stopped cars. For 96 miles.

36,000 cars times 14 feet for the average car length is 504,000 feet or 95.45 miles.

I've never seen driving conditions like that.

Yeah, well he says,

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

You can't fit 7 cars in 40 feet therefore he must be talking about the 7 lanes other than the one he's in, so he's counting the cars going the other way, I guess. I wouldn't call a car every 40 feet bumper to bumper. Also 40 into 5280 = 132 x 7 = 924, not 982. And 924 x 32 = 29,568 not 31,424, add the 4,000 on the other 64 miles of road and you get not 36,000 but a measly 33,568.

Say, you don't suppose he was exaggerating because it was a joke?

[TheMercenary]

http://peoplewhodeserveit.com/

[TheMercenary]

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1820859

[skysidhe]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Yeah, well he says, You can't fit 7 cars in 40 feet therefore he must be talking about the 7 lanes other than the one he's in, so he's counting the cars going the other way, I guess. I wouldn't call a car every 40 feet bumper to bumper. Also 40 into 5280 = 132 x 7 = 924, not 982. And 924 x 32 = 29,568 not 31,424, add the 4,000 on the other 64 miles of road and you get not 36,000 but a measly 33,568.

Say, you don't suppose he was exaggerating because it was a joke?

I was waiting for someone to state the obvious.

Humor rule #1

Never tell a math joke to math nerds! :p

[skysidhe]

A funny I had stumbled upon the other day.

[spudcon]

If you ever get the urge to take off your clothes and run around naked, the surgeon general has announced a remedy.
V



Sniff Windex, it stops streaking.

[classicman]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered acup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking c olts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower , I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

[binky]

SMOKING
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant

[Nirvana]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy
3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts
choking, going blue in the face.
The Father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping
him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.


Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.


A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from
her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.


Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, then ever
so firmly.

After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.


Releasing the boys testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and
walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as
he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over
to the woman and starts thanking her, saying,"I've never seen anybody do
anything like that before.

It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"No," replied the woman. "Divorce attorney".

[TheMercenary]

[xoxoxoBruce]

A man is walking through the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front of the little girl’s screaming parents.

The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the man returns her to her terrified parents.

A New York Times reporter has seen the whole scene and says to the rescuer. “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life,”.
“Why, it was nothing,” the man says. “Really, the lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lion’s den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt was right.”

“I noticed a bible in your pocket — are you a republican?” asked the journalist.
“Yes, and I’m a Christian on my way to a bible study,” the man replies.
“Well, I’ll make sure this act won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist and tomorrow’s paper will have this on the front page,” he says before leaving.

The following morning the man buys a copy of the New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on first page:
“Right Wing Republican Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch.”

[Crimson Ghost]

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"

His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"

"No, I couldn't find her head."

[Crimson Ghost]

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."

[Crimson Ghost]

A mother and her 5yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did...."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."