Humor...I Need Humor...

[Crimson Ghost]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is itstill a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of ourfaith.'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Better than a ham sandwich, isn't it?

[Crimson Ghost]

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Again, her husband died.

Throughout her life and during three marriages, up until her death, she had given birth to a total of 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, 'Lord, they're finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, 'Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?'

The friend replied, 'I think he means her legs.'

[Crimson Ghost]

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville , Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he goes to learn more -- 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi.

That's about 620 miles from here', I answered. 'Oh, is that where the job is?'

'No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now.

[Crimson Ghost]

Little Girl Writes To Santa -

Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother.

Santa writes back,

ok, please send me your mother....

[Crimson Ghost]

My male doctor always uses three fingers and no gloves while masturbating when executing a prostate exam... I wonder if a female doctor would shy away from the full exam thinking I will sue. Then again I always wondered why I needed a prostate exam every time I get new glasses. I will say this, LensCrafters really goes the extra mile.

[Crimson Ghost]

There's a great urban legend in Canada in regards to the University of Victoria. Apparently it was originally to be called the University of Juan de Fuca after the Juan de Fuca strait. Sadly, however, the designs for the shirts got released early with the logo "Juan de Fuca U".

An urban legend in England says that when Newcastle Polytechnic became a university it was nearly called the Central University of Newcastle-upon-Tyne.

[Crimson Ghost]

Frankfort International Airport has a confusing layout, calling for careful taxing of your jet liner. This is compounded by their notoriously impatient and rigid ground controllers, who expect you to know how to get around to your gate without assistance. This exchange was between Frankfort ground control and a British Airways 747 with the call sign of Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with German arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before!?"

Speedbird 206: "Yes, several dozen times in 1944, but I never landed."

[Crimson Ghost]

Whenever life gets you down,
Has you wearing a frown.
And the gravy train has left you behind,

When you're all out of hope,
You're at the end of your rope,
And nobody's there to throw you a line,

When you've got so low
You don't know which way to go,
Come on and take a walk in my shoes -

I don't worry about a thing,
Got the world on a string!
And here's what chases away my blues:

I take a look at my enormous penis,
And my troubles start meltin' away


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9iiU6NDxIo

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2468

[Pie]

Amazing, CG. Up at 5am and posting awesome funnies... Love the Da Vinci's Notebook song! That's been one of my favorites for years.

[skysidhe]

I liked this one Crimson.

Originally Posted by Crimson Ghost

A mother and her 5yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did...."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

[skysidhe]

[ZenGum]

More brilliance from XKCD:

[jester]

SEX Riddles
1. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight.

2. What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends ...

3. What's "68"?
You do me and I owe you one.

4. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!

5. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.

6. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

7. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

8. What's the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.

9. What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice Dick!"

10. What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toys for Twats.

11. Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?

12. What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in ... Definitely!

13. Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

14. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as a meat substitute.

15. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.

16. What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite. (Men a nite)

17. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

18. Why is sex like a game of bridge?
You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand.

19. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator. (Glad he ate her)

20. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.

21. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

[jester]

Top Four Adult Jokes

Fourth Place :

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'



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Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

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Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'
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Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.


They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'


'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'


'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.


'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

[classicman]

Always check your child's homework (Part 1 of 2)