07-07-2004, 11:17 AM | #271 |
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 3,338
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The River
One day, Three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man Prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength..and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools... and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge. ************* Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother. Men will never learn. ************** A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little fur ball on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."
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Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous |
07-08-2004, 10:29 AM | #272 |
As stable as a ring of PU-239
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: On a huge rock covered in water, highly advanced moss and 7 billion parasites
Posts: 1,264
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The Visitor
"As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... You fucking mosquito."
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"I don't see what's so triffic about creating people as people and then getting' upset 'cos they act like people." ~Adam Young, Good Omens "I don't see why it matters what is written. Not when it's about people. It can always be crossed out." ~Adam Young, Good Omens |
07-08-2004, 11:23 AM | #273 |
stalking a Tom
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: on the edge of the english channel
Posts: 1,000
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Brilliant! Sent it to all my friends.
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I've decided I'm not going to have a signature anymore. |
07-09-2004, 02:45 PM | #274 |
If ya cant take a joke, Effya!
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 288
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IT TAKES A TEXAN TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A WOMAN
On a recent flight from Chicago to Houston, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane. I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane. Then a Texan stands up at the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, toward the young woman, unbuttoning his shirt......... one button at time. No one moves....... he removes his shirt...... muscles ripple across his chest.............. She gasps............ He whispers: "Iron this, then get me something to eat.........."
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Phineas J. Twunt |
07-11-2004, 11:46 PM | #275 |
LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 7,661
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Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.
He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he had bad breath... He came to be known as a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
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"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner |
07-11-2004, 11:57 PM | #276 |
changed his status to single
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Right behind you. No, the other side.
Posts: 10,308
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even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. LOL! that is hilarious. :thumpsup:
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Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin |
07-12-2004, 09:02 AM | #277 |
If ya cant take a joke, Effya!
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 288
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Be careful with whom you drink...
Now [u]here's a happy monkey!
http://www.ircuser.org/files/monkey.swf
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Phineas J. Twunt |
07-14-2004, 11:33 AM | #279 |
Come on, cat.
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area
Posts: 7,013
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George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one." Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but no one can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!" Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell." Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you dumbass! It's Tony Blair!"
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Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good. |
07-21-2004, 10:08 PM | #280 |
The future is unwritten
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
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I haven't seen this for years.
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items. To re-order, specify one of the following: P/N 33f8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls P/N 33f8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
07-22-2004, 03:38 PM | #281 |
changed his status to single
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Right behind you. No, the other side.
Posts: 10,308
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hehehehehe he said "mouse balls"
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Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin |
07-23-2004, 05:22 AM | #282 |
Larger than life and twice as ugly.
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 5,264
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Apparently, some of the minimum-security prisons are not as secure as we hoped.
"Escaped Convict On The Loose" Franko Bulsara, a convicted felon arrested on several extortion and fraud charges, escaped from a chain gang yesterday, while on a cleanup detail for the county. Bulsara is 3 foot 2 inch tall, with several tattoos, referred to as 'tribal design', on his arms and chest, bald with a 'goatee' beard. He usually promotes himself as a fortune teller. Residents and police are warned to be on the lookout for a "small medium at large".
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We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark. I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them, I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period. Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years |
07-23-2004, 10:50 PM | #283 |
As stable as a ring of PU-239
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: On a huge rock covered in water, highly advanced moss and 7 billion parasites
Posts: 1,264
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Two antennas got married recently.
The ceremony sucked, but the reception was great.
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"I don't see what's so triffic about creating people as people and then getting' upset 'cos they act like people." ~Adam Young, Good Omens "I don't see why it matters what is written. Not when it's about people. It can always be crossed out." ~Adam Young, Good Omens |
07-25-2004, 09:02 PM | #284 |
LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 7,661
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Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
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"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner |
07-27-2004, 07:12 PM | #285 |
changed his status to single
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Right behind you. No, the other side.
Posts: 10,308
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
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Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin |
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