My friend is turning into a major moocher

[infinite monkey]

Major Moocher

[SamIam]

Originally Posted by Big Sarge

He's an addict. You can't fix him and it will only get worse. He won't change until he decides to do it himself.

Yep.

The saga continues. So earlier this week Charlie got his check. He mentioned to me that he paid $300.00 toward his outstanding bill with the local medical marijuana outfit, but he still owes another couple of hundred. Meanwhile, he has let his Medicare supplemental insurance go because he can't afford the extra $200 or so each month. So, he can't afford the co-pay to get medical treatment (besides the "medical" marijuana that is). He has outstanding bills with the electric company and his phone/internet provider.

This afternoon I called him and he said he's out of food and can't afford the $15.00 to pick up one of his prescriptions. Oh, grrrrr! I can't stand to see someone go hungry and/or go without needed meds - even if they bring it on themselves. Call me co-dependent, because I am.

I'm paranoid about how I'm going to get by if I don't find work before my unemployment runs out. So one thing I've been doing is stockpiling food in my freezer and pantry as I am able. Like if there's a really good sale or mark downs, I'll buy extra if I have the money and then I'll have a bit of a cushion against possible hard times to come. Plus, today I got my check, so I have a little money in my pocket.

I told Charlie I'd loan him the money for his prescription and a loaf of bread. I busted his chops over the loan and told him he HAD to pay me back. And then I raided my food supply and gave him a few bags of groceries in addition to the cash.

I broke one of Sam's Golden Rules of Living by doing this - NEVER make a loan to a friend (or anyone else for that matter) unless you can afford to write the loan off as a gift if it doesn't get repaid. Plus, I know I am just enabling Charlie to continue with his addiction and how good a friend helps another drive himself into the ground? I'd never loan Charlie the money to go buy a bag, but heck, I might as well have. Charlie came over and smoked a couple of pipes while we were talking, so we all know what his priorities are.

The food thing really gets to me, but even though we live in a small town in the middle of nowhere, the folks here manage to support a local charity that gives groceries to those in need of them. The only qualification is that you have to be sober when you go to apply for them. Plus, the churches here take turns running a soup kitchen open to all. Without my help, Charlie might be humbled but he wouldn't be hungry.

And it's his life. If he'd rather buy pot instead of his meds, well, that's his choice.

I just don't know.

And right now, I'm more mad at myself than I am at him. Ms. Doormat, that's me.

[Lamplighter]

...He shares his pot with me very rarely,...

This caught my eye, and been on my mind.

Even once may be enough for him to rationalize that his with you sharing is equal.
If you ever do draw the line, it will have to be mutually impermeable.

[SamIam]

I couldn't care less whether he shares or not. I like it now and then, but I do quite nicely without, too. I guess my personal "take it or leave it" response to pot was part of what has taken me so long to understand how truely addicted Charlie is.

[orthodoc]

Originally Posted by SamIam

I'm paranoid about how I'm going to get by if I don't find work before my unemployment runs out.

Without my help, Charlie might be humbled but he wouldn't be hungry.

And it's his life. If he'd rather buy pot instead of his meds, well, that's his choice.

Well put. Charlie has let his Medicare supplement go, not because he can't afford it, but because he prefers to buy pot with it.

You're a generous, good-hearted person; don't beat yourself up for that. At the same time, be careful not to let Charlie's mooching put you in danger. He will take and take, never thinking about your situation at all. That's what addiction does. He has other options for food, and he's making his own choices about whether to buy meds or not. Protecting yourself in this scenario doesn't make you a selfish or bad person.

[SamIam]

Thank you, orthodoc! I am so upset over this situation that I'm still awake at 12:30AM. It's not like Charlie is some awful person - far from it. Back in a better day before things got so bad for him, he had helped me through some rough times of my own. He's intelligent and funny and in many ways, he's still a good friend.

But...

Like the last time I went over to his place he was so stoned/out of it that I got fed up with him and cut my visit short.

Like he spends lots of time talking about all these big dreams and plans which I think he could actually achieve but for - yeah, the pot.

And unlike you, Doc, I'm not a real doctor and I don't really understand to what extent medical marijuana may be helping him. To me, it just seems to be hurting him, but maybe his symptoms would be really awful without it?

I don't really know anyone IRL that I can talk to about this because I met Charlie through AA and most of my friends here are AA members, so I feel like I would be breaking Charlie's anonmity which is a HUGE AA no-no if I bring up my concerns about him to someone else. Plus, I'd feel sort of hypocritical because I myself take prescribed meds that AA would say I shouldn't be on. But at least MY meds are covered by my health insurance and I pay about $50.00/month for them as opposed to Charlie's $500.00 plus.

Nothing is ever easy is it?

[orthodoc]

I'm sorry this is so distressing, Sam. Charlie's been a good friend in the past. No addict starts out being an awful person - addiction is biochemical. It's possible for anyone to become addicted if the right neuro pathways are stimulated long enough, but some people have an inborn neurological vulnerability. It really does run in families. It's heartbreaking to watch someone struggle with and/or succumb to a destructive addiction. At the same time, things change when the addiction takes over. Obligations, relationships, everything else disappears off the radar.

I don't know Charlie's situation and of course can't comment on his therapy. From what you've said here, though, somewhere along the line a problem has arisen. It is possible to call a medical office and communicate concerns about a patient. The office can't give you any information, they can't even really tell you that patient is on their roster, but you can voice a concern and request that your name not be given if/when they see Charlie and bring up the topic. If the system is set up correctly it should be possible for them to see every purchase Charlie makes, every fill of his prescriptions.

A talk from his provider won't fix the problem, though. Even if they monitor his use more carefully, he'll buy it privately. The best help you can probably give Charlie is not to enable him. If you feel able to talk to him about your concerns, you can direct him toward local services. He won't take your advice until he's ready, but you can be a friend by nudging him toward help. Addiction is hard for everybody.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

This caught my eye, and been on my mind.

Even once may be enough for him to rationalize that his with you sharing is equal.
If you ever do draw the line, it will have to be mutually impermeable.

That's what I was wondering when I asked.

Originally Posted by SamIam

Ms. Doormat, that's me.

Be glad he doesn't wear golf shoes.