Humor...I Need Humor...

[Shawnee123]

Originally Posted by Aliantha

Rick Astley asked to borrow some Pixar movies. I said "You can have Toy Story and WALL-E, but I'm never gonna give you Up."

[Nirvana]

The hardest part of being a seeing eye dog!

[classicman]

DISCUSSION EXPLANATION

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

[spudcon]

The Man Rules

We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side .

These are our rules!
Please note? these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Man’s relaxation time: It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. WE’RE NOT INTERESTED IN WHAT OPRAH OR DR PHIL THINK. WE ALSO DON’T CARE WHAT A “NORMAL” PERSON WOULD DO.


1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one :
Subtle hints do not work !
Strong hints do not work !
Obvious hints do not work !
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That 's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact , all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are .
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.



1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials, and not WHENEVER RUSH IS ON.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT

need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is a MELON. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong..
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, ALMOST anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or SEX


1.. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round or OVAL IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

[TheMercenary]

> THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>
> 1. Innovative
>
> 2. Preliminary
>
> 3. Proliferation
>
>
> 4. Cinnamon
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>
> 1. Specificity
>
> 2. Anti-constitutionalistically
>
>
> 3. Passive-aggressive disorder
>
> 4. Transubstantiate
>
>
>
>
>
>
> THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
> DRUNK:
>
> 1. No thanks, I’m married.
>
>
> 2. Nope, no more booze for me!
>
> 3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
>
> 4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
>
> 5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
>
> 6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
>
>
> 7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
>
> 8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no
> coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
>
> 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
>
>
> 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
>

[xoxoxoBruce]

Children's books
Daddy Has an Itch. Mommy Smells Like Fish: A Child’s Rhyming Guide to STD’s
The Best Things to Drink Are under the Sink
Toy Story 3: Buzz Gets a Woody
Is Angelina My Mommy?
Where the Wild Thongs Are
The Smith & Wesson Coloring Book for Kids
Ashley Has Two Daddies, and They’re Both Going to Burn in Hell
Dismemberment Donny Needs A Hand
The Secret Pot Garden
Princess Poledancer And The Twirly Tassle Gang
Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy & The Easter Bunny: Just The Beginning of a Lifetime of Lies
Math Will Make You Ugly
The Magical World beneath the Tarp on the Pool
All Alone with the Internet: A Choose Your Own Adventure Story.
The Fog in the Looking Glass (and Other Ways to Find Out if Grandma’s Still with Us)
A Buzzing in the Night: Why Your Wii Control’s Batteries Are Gone
It’s Not that Grandpa Doesn’t Love You, He Just Loves Drinking More
You Don’t Need to Think When You’re Pretty
Furious George Gets Cut Off on the Freeway
Why Do Grandma’s Boobies Touch Her Waist? (And Other Questions Not to Ask Out Loud)
Rachel Has Seven Mommies: A Children’s Guide to the Book of Mormon
Things We Can’t Afford because Your Father Left Us
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Mercury Poisoning
Frog And Toad Are Friends with Benefits

[monster]

I like those, xoB

[Lamplighter]

Today I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
and slipped quietly into the garage I hooked up the boat to the truck,
and proceeded to pull out into a torrential downpour. The wind was already blowing 35 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and confirmed that the weather would be that bad or worse all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible.."

My loving wife of 12 years replied, "I know. Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

[Pooka]

True story:
Today I went to my disabled mother's house (our old house) to do some wash, re-organize her room and hang up some curtains she purchased awhile back. they all looked the same and I didn't bother to check the sizes... I asked if they were all the same to which she replied "yes, of course"...

I proceeded to dress the first windows (she wanted 2 panels per window). Huh? one is two feet shorter than the other.... pulled looked at the packages... first one 42X84. Second Panel package is 42X63... ok... lets take a look perhaps its a one off.... uh no... she had 5 different sizes of the same fabric curtains... I could only make one set...

At least I got a good laugh.

[Gravdigr]

Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

``Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale.''

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

[Trilby]

good one, gravdigr!

[xoxoxoBruce]

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, ‘Do you think we’re out far enough, Barbie?” Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, “Nope, not yet Bubbles.”

So they row a little farther…. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, “Do you think we’re out far enough now?”

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, “No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest.”

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, “OK, it’s finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel.

[squirell nutkin]

very good

[Gravdigr]

.

[classicman]

Before Chelsea's wedding Hillary wanted to discuss some of the issues newlyweds deal with ...

She asked Chelsea ... "Have you had sex with Marc yet?"

Chelsea said.... "Not according to Dad"