Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 236

BrianR · 08-28-2010, 09:11 AM

A plane crashed in the middle of rural Wisconsin . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there,
the disaster was clear.

The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree

line that bordered a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?".

"Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States ?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies."

spudcon · 08-28-2010, 05:22 PM

A couple living in a small Appalachian village take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in
front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.

After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to bowl, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains
so that you can see for yourself, alright?"

The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?"

"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her very hairy muff.

After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before.

"I know," he replied, "but the bowling team hadn't!"

GunMaster357 · 09-01-2010, 09:36 AM

One afternoon in a beginners sky diving class, the students sat attentively as the instructor lectured. During class he would take time to answer any of the student's stupid "First Timer Questions". One guy asked:

"If our chute doesn't open... and the reserve doesn't open, how long dowe have 'til we hit the ground?"

The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."

Gravdigr · 09-01-2010, 05:10 PM

GM357, that "the rest of your life" bit reminded me of this.

"...all the way to the scene of the crash." Ah, Ron White slays me.

squirell nutkin · 09-01-2010, 10:12 PM

"I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half an hour."

classicman · 09-01-2010, 11:13 PM

you're a lawyer?!?!?!?! Since when?

BigV · 09-02-2010, 02:45 PM

You know the difference between erotic and kinky, don't you?

Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken!

Sheldonrs · 09-02-2010, 04:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigV

You know the difference between erotic and kinky, don't you?

Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the chicken's hole!

Fixed it for ya.

BigV · 09-02-2010, 05:27 PM

true....

but not exclusively so.

there's a lot you can do with a cock that doesn't require a hole.

But that's another thread entirely.

Nirvana · 09-02-2010, 06:11 PM

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..."

The End

GunMaster357 · 09-03-2010, 09:15 AM

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified.

She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

squirell nutkin · 09-03-2010, 10:26 AM

When the construction crew moved to their next jobsite there was a little boy who would come by and watch them working. One day he came home and asked his mom for a length of string. She handed him a length of string and he said "Help me snap a line."
"OK" she replied thinking it was cute that he was playing carpenter.
The little boy pulled the string taught and eyeballed the line.
"OK, mom mover it to the right just a cunt hair."
Shocked, his mother let go of the string, stood up and said,
"I most certainly will not do any such thing! Now you pick up that string and take it right to your room."
Dropping the string, the boy looked at her saying,
"Fuck if I will, that's a laborer's job"

toranokaze · 09-04-2010, 03:08 AM

A perfect jobsite picture

skysidhe · 09-04-2010, 09:33 AM

self-portrait

skysidhe · 09-04-2010, 09:57 AM

The Adventures of God

by Lev Novak on April 09, 2010

http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1803435

I
God: Noah, all the people of earth are sinners. You alone are righteous.
Noah: Thanks God. Long time fan, first time prophet.
God: So, I have decided to smite the entire world with a flood.
(pause)
Noah: Couldn’t you just teach man goodness?
God: No. I’m thinking “flood”.
Noah: So you’d rather just kill every-
God: What part of “flood” do you not understand?

II
God: Moses…I have seen the plight of the Jews in Egypt.
Moses: Wow. Only after, uh, 400 years there, right?
God: Yes.
Moses: Awesome.
God: I will take you out of Egypt after ten terrible, terrible plagues.
Moses: …ten?
God: Is there a problem?
Moses: It’s just…ten is a lot. For, you know, God. Couldn’t you get this done in like, two plagues max?
God: No. For you see Moses, I will harden Pharaoh’s heart against me.
Moses: So…you are going to stop him from letting us free from slavery.
God: Yes.
Moses: So you can bring more terrible, terrible plagues upon the people.
God: Yes.

Moses: And you see nothing wrong with this picture?

God: ...
Moses: Are there any other God’s up there I can talk to?

III
Mary: Did you send the child support?
God: Frankincense and myrrh. Yeah.
Mary Annnnnd?
God: (sighs). And gold. And the gold.
Mary: That’s better.

IV
Job: …
God: Well, this is awkward.

V
God: Abraham, you must circumcise yourself.
Abraham: As you wish, my lord.
God: Oh my Me. He’s totally going to do it.

08-28-2010, 09:11 AM	#1
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	A plane crashed in the middle of rural Wisconsin . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?". "Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor's engine. "Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States ?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies." __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

08-28-2010, 05:22 PM	#2
spudcon Beware of potatoes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Upstate NY, USA Posts: 2,078	A couple living in a small Appalachian village take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night. After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to bowl, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?" The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?" "No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?" "Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her very hairy muff. After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?" "Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before. "I know," he replied, "but the bowling team hadn't!" __________________ "I believe that being despised by the despicable is as good as being admired by the admirable."

09-01-2010, 09:36 AM	#3
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	One afternoon in a beginners sky diving class, the students sat attentively as the instructor lectured. During class he would take time to answer any of the student's stupid "First Timer Questions". One guy asked: "If our chute doesn't open... and the reserve doesn't open, how long dowe have 'til we hit the ground?" The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life." __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

09-01-2010, 05:10 PM	#4
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	GM357, that "the rest of your life" bit reminded me of this. "...all the way to the scene of the crash." Ah, Ron White slays me. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

09-01-2010, 10:12 PM	#5
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	"I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half an hour." __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

09-01-2010, 11:13 PM	#6
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	you're a lawyer?!?!?!?! Since when? __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

09-02-2010, 02:45 PM	#7
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	You know the difference between erotic and kinky, don't you? Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken! __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

09-02-2010, 05:27 PM	#9
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	true.... but not exclusively so. there's a lot you can do with a cock that doesn't require a hole. But that's another thread entirely. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

09-02-2010, 06:11 PM	#10
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..." The End __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

09-03-2010, 09:15 AM	#11
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?" __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

09-03-2010, 10:26 AM	#12
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	When the construction crew moved to their next jobsite there was a little boy who would come by and watch them working. One day he came home and asked his mom for a length of string. She handed him a length of string and he said "Help me snap a line." "OK" she replied thinking it was cute that he was playing carpenter. The little boy pulled the string taught and eyeballed the line. "OK, mom mover it to the right just a cunt hair." Shocked, his mother let go of the string, stood up and said, "I most certainly will not do any such thing! Now you pick up that string and take it right to your room." Dropping the string, the boy looked at her saying, "Fuck if I will, that's a laborer's job" __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

09-04-2010, 03:08 AM	#13
toranokaze I'm still a jerk Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Little Mexico Posts: 1,817	A perfect jobsite picture __________________ "Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible." - Frank Zappa It is the ignorance of ignorance that lead to the death of knowledge The Virgin Mary does not weep for her son, for he is in paradise. She weeps for the world , for we are in suffering.

09-04-2010, 09:33 AM	#14
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	self-portrait Attached Images

09-04-2010, 09:57 AM	#15
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	The Adventures of God by Lev Novak on April 09, 2010 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1803435 I God: Noah, all the people of earth are sinners. You alone are righteous. Noah: Thanks God. Long time fan, first time prophet. God: So, I have decided to smite the entire world with a flood. (pause) Noah: Couldn’t you just teach man goodness? God: No. I’m thinking “flood”. Noah: So you’d rather just kill every- God: What part of “flood” do you not understand? II God: Moses…I have seen the plight of the Jews in Egypt. Moses: Wow. Only after, uh, 400 years there, right? God: Yes. Moses: Awesome. God: I will take you out of Egypt after ten terrible, terrible plagues. Moses: …ten? God: Is there a problem? Moses: It’s just…ten is a lot. For, you know, God. Couldn’t you get this done in like, two plagues max? God: No. For you see Moses, I will harden Pharaoh’s heart against me. Moses: So…you are going to stop him from letting us free from slavery. God: Yes. Moses: So you can bring more terrible, terrible plagues upon the people. God: Yes. Moses: And you see nothing wrong with this picture? God: ... Moses: Are there any other God’s up there I can talk to? III Mary: Did you send the child support? God: Frankincense and myrrh. Yeah. Mary Annnnnd? God: (sighs). And gold. And the gold. Mary: That’s better. IV Job: … God: Well, this is awkward. V God: Abraham, you must circumcise yourself. Abraham: As you wish, my lord. God: Oh my Me. He’s totally going to do it.

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