Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 266

Gravdigr · 05-01-2011, 06:03 PM

Part one in previous post, due to page break.

classicman · 05-02-2011, 09:14 AM

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu.
Champagne, Shrimp cocktail, Lobster and a nice Puligny Montrachet followed by some Louis XIII.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job."

It was then that I offered her dessert.

jimhelm · 05-02-2011, 11:36 AM

Sheldonrs · 05-02-2011, 05:49 PM

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language in which a double positive can express a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

plthijinx · 05-03-2011, 02:48 PM

an oldie but goodie:

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons, nor prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into
motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to
slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck , but she slides
down the horse's side anyway
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now
at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....
Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

----------------------
Two Minnesota mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing. 'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Sven, 'but we don't have a ladder. The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches, and walked away. Ollie shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!' Sven and Ollie are currently working for the United States Forest Service.

Gravdigr · 05-06-2011, 05:12 PM

True story:

At a dinner at a friend's house, I overheard his wife say, and I quote:

Quote:

I don't like them big ten inch ones, they won't fit in my little old thing.

She was talking about tortillas. She has a quesadilla-maker.

ETA: I almost told her to spit on it...

GunMaster357 · 05-09-2011, 08:54 AM

I came across the following joke but I fail to see where it is funny :

Quote:

What is the noisiest thing in the world?
Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.

If at all possible, can someone give me an explanation?

Since I don't get it, I hope it shouldn't be in the TASTELESS thread...

footfootfoot · 05-09-2011, 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GunMaster357

I came across the following joke but I fail to see where it is funny :
If at all possible, can someone give me an explanation?

Since I don't get it, I hope it shouldn't be in the TASTELESS thread...

Temporarily suspending disbelief at two skeletons being animated and screwing, imagine the racket that dumping a bag of bones on a tin roof would cause. That's the whole thing.

Big Sarge · 05-09-2011, 09:22 AM

So true

infinite monkey · 05-09-2011, 09:22 AM

And that's when he farted.

GunMaster357 · 05-09-2011, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

Temporarily suspending disbelief at two skeletons being animated and screwing, imagine the racket that dumping a bag of bones on a tin roof would cause. That's the whole thing.

I still don't see it as funny. It's lame.

footfootfoot · 05-09-2011, 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GunMaster357

I still don't see it as funny. It's lame.

Neither do I, it is lame.

infinite monkey · 05-09-2011, 09:56 AM

Johnny Fuckerfaster.

No, it's not word ass. That's lame.

footfootfoot · 05-09-2011, 10:31 AM

What's the cleanest shop in Pyongyang?

The Butcher shop.

BigV · 05-11-2011, 12:26 PM

How do you get an 80 year old church lady to yell "FUCK!"?

Get another 80 year old church lady sitting right next to her to yell "BINGO!"

05-01-2011, 06:03 PM	#3976
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Part one in previous post, due to page break. Attached Images __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

05-02-2011, 09:14 AM	#3977
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Champagne, Shrimp cocktail, Lobster and a nice Puligny Montrachet followed by some Louis XIII. I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this when you eat at home?" "No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job." It was then that I offered her dessert. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

05-02-2011, 11:36 AM	#3978
jimhelm a beautiful fool Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: 39.939705 Posts: 4,504	__________________ There's a Shadow just behind me. Shrouding every step I take. Making every promise empty, pointing every finger at me. _tool Last edited by jimhelm; 05-02-2011 at 11:42 AM.

05-02-2011, 05:49 PM	#3979
Sheldonrs Master Dwellar Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,412	An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.” __________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs AT you.

05-03-2011, 02:48 PM	#3980
plthijinx Master Dwellar Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 4,197	an oldie but goodie: A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck , but she slides down the horse's side anyway The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. And you thought all they did was say Hello. ---------------------- Two Minnesota mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing. 'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Sven, 'but we don't have a ladder. The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches, and walked away. Ollie shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!' Sven and Ollie are currently working for the United States Forest Service. __________________ For your dreams to come true, you must first have a dream.

05-09-2011, 09:22 AM	#3984
Big Sarge Werepandas - lurking in your shadows Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: In the Deep South Posts: 3,408	So true Attached Images __________________ Give a man a match, & he'll be warm for 20 seconds. But toss that man a white phosphorus grenade and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

05-09-2011, 09:22 AM	#3985
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002	And that's when he farted.

05-09-2011, 09:56 AM	#3988
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002	Johnny Fuckerfaster. No, it's not word ass. That's lame.

05-09-2011, 10:31 AM	#3989
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	What's the cleanest shop in Pyongyang? The Butcher shop. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

05-11-2011, 12:26 PM	#3990
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	How do you get an 80 year old church lady to yell "FUCK!"? Get another 80 year old church lady sitting right next to her to yell "BINGO!" __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

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