Tales from the Nuthouse: Lest You Think I have a Really Cool Job

[wolf]

There are a lot of people in psych who just ain't right ... I've had to deal with some of them too.

I don't take offense to it. I make fun of these people too. Daily. Sometimes to their faces.

And you know you've gotten it right when THEY don't get it.

[monicakat]

Back when I was in high school and working at a nursing home, there was a patient who routinely shit in her dresser drawers. Like every day. There was another woman who liked to roam the hallway naked except for her slippers.

Much admiration goes out to all the people who do those sorts of jobs.

[wolf]

Let's just put it this way ... last night I was asked "Would you believe me if I told you I didn't want to hurt you?" by a woman who started her interview by announcing, "I'm not wearing any underwear." I, of course, responded "Yes, I believe you" before asking "Do you want to hurt me?" "Yes, I want to bop you on the head." Tonight I had to deal with a man whose aliens are stuck in poop. His own poop appeared to be stuck on the tail of his polo shirt. A different patient who had slashed his wrists and neck was sent to the ER just to get a tetanus shot. He walked away. Hasn't been seen since. Hopefully the Schuylkill is running high and he won't be found until spring and we won't be held responsible by his family. Two nights this week I had to ride herd on "doc-in-a-box" (a part time shrink whose medicine is really bad, so I have to review labs before I hand them off for medical clearance to make sure he doesn't accept someone who is about to die).

To top it all off, I wrote three sets of commitment papers myself, qualifying for a hat-trick (so far two of the three signed themselves in, so mine are only to be used in case they try to sign out ... I typically have to do this three times a year, if that).

Oh, and I intimidated a man with my mere presence.

[Tonchi]

Originally Posted by wolf

Oh, and I intimidated a man with my mere presence.

Marichiko and I can do that too
(Don't try to catch us)

[xoxoxoBruce]

Oh, and I intimidated a man with my mere presence.

You do that to me all the time. That's what weak knees and palpitations mean, right?

Originally Posted by Tonchi

Marichiko and I can do that too
(Don't try to catch us)

Heheheheheheheheh!

Just ask the ax murderer! I'd love to tag team him with you Tonchi! I have the man whimpering at this point! I confronted him with his sex offender conviction (a copy of which was obtained for me by a paralegal friend), and he has since been repaying me my money as meek as a lamb.

Then the final revenge!

He writes me the last check and I casually mention that I expect to become a Swiss heiress to the tune of 5 million euro's in the next 6 to 8 months. Now, this is an incredible long shot, and the amount wouldn't be that high even if it DOES come through, but the ax murderer doesn't need to know this.

"Think of me in Zurich when you are pulling weeds next summer" (did I mention that he ran off with a woman who owns her own gardening business?), I sez. "I won't be thinking of YOU!" His face goes white at the thought of the "prize" he let slip through his greedy little fingers.

"Wait! Can't we still be friends?" he hollers after me as I get in my car to drive away.

"Should of thought of that 6 months ago, pal. Sorry, you lose!" I yell out my car window and then drive away leaving him standing in my exhaust fumes.

Best laugh I've had in months!

[richlevy]

Originally Posted by marichiko

He writes me the last check and I casually mention that I expect to become a Swiss heiress to the tune of 5 million euro's in the next 6 to 8 months. Now, this is an incredible long shot, and the amount wouldn't be that high even if it DOES come through, but the ax murderer doesn't need to know this.

Well, if you do, the next Cellar party's at your house.

Originally Posted by richlevy

Well, if you do, the next Cellar party's at your house.

You're on! In the unlikely event that I DO become an heiress, the drinks are on me and you're ALL invited - even LJ!

[Elspode]

Originally Posted by marichiko

Heheheheheheheheh!

I have the man whimpering at this point!

I missed this! Kick ass!

I think you should make the info known to everyone in sight once he's paid you off.

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH, Patrick!

The very best part is that I don't have to let ANYONE know, personally. I have been working through this entire sorry experience with my therapist when a couple of weeks back she stopped me cold.

"Wait!" she exclaims, "You mean you have a copy of the actual court paper work and conviction from the county? This is just not hear-say stuff?"

I was rather surprised. "Why, yes, I do," I said. "Its not hear-say. I have the paperwork stamped ______ County Court. Found guilty as charged in a trial by jury."

My therapist gets a concerned, official look on her face. "Then according to the professional code of ethics, I am required to warn anyone who might have a minor child below the age of 18 in the household in which he resides. Will you please bring in those papers when you come for your next session?"

No problemo! Am I going to withhold documents which are a matter of public record, anyhow, and possibly be indirectly responsible for some tiny child having God knows what experience at the ax murderer's hands?

Three guesses, and the first two don't count! That sleeze! Like I'd stay quiet to protect HIM over some innocent little kid. Nice try!

PS I might be needing that spell for protection you mentioned a while back...

[Elspode]

Originally Posted by wolf

Oh, and I intimidated a man with my mere presence.

Which one of your guns is named "mere presence", again?

[wolf]

Phone call tonight:

Timid Woman: How do I check someone in who isn't me?

Male Voice In Background: BITCH, HANG UP THE PHONE!

wolf: You need to call 911.

[Elspode]

What, no "Merry Christmas"?

This is a stressful time of year. At least, at my house it is.

[skysidhe]

Originally Posted by wolf

Phone call tonight:

Timid Woman: How do I check someone in who isn't me?

Male Voice In Background: BITCH, HANG UP THE PHONE!

wolf: You need to call 911.

I am hoping that was a prank phone call because it's very funny in text.

If it's for real then you need a new phone number.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by skysidhe

I am hoping that was a prank phone call because it's very funny in text.

If it's for real then you need a new phone number.

An unlisted number for the nuthouse?