Humor...I Need Humor...

[dar512]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't
serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a
beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats
the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate "

[Elspode]

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light
bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to
be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret
stockpile of light bulbs;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new
light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a
step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in
detail how Bush was literally in the dark;

8. One to viciously smear #7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had
a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between
screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

[Spexxvet]

then It's just a little too true

[Happy Monkey]

I think you may need more. That bulb never actually got changed.

[xoxoxoBruce]

No HM, the bulb not getting changed would be consistent.

[Iggy]

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:1 2 3 4


5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[Kagen4o4]

i like

[ferret88]

Originally Posted by Iggy

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

It is sad just how true that is.

[Iggy]

It is sad how true it is, but amusing how it actually works out using the "a=1 b=2" system.

And now for something completely different...

Misdiagnosis

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong. So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?" The old man said: "I thought it was GAS...........but I was wrong."

[Iggy]

Apparantly I am the only one who loves to post funny things...

Either that, or they aren't as funny as I had first thought. He is another one anyway. I hope you enjoy it...



A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better ones."


1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)


2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves to chargers. (Christopher age 7)


3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)


4 If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)


5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)


6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)


7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)


8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans (William age 7)


9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)


10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

[thrillhouse]

^ ^ thanks, iggy. i could use a smile today.

[Iggy]

My pleasure.

[Elspode]

Kevin, age 6, has a great future as a writer. He has a gift for communicating a great deal of important information in a descriptive, yet brief, manner.

[Happy Monkey]

Helen's pretty precocious...

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Iggy

Apparantly I am the only one who loves to post funny things...

But you were wrong.

A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her!" the young man exclaimed.

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down, I'm not mad anymore."