Well Behaved Children.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Being a recluse curmudgeon (get off my lawn), I have limited patience with annoying ankle biters. Yeah, yeah, children are music to the ear. OK, kids babbling in the background, or doing the sing song thing, is OK. But the fucking screams, like giant claws on a chalkboard, drive me crazy.

We were headed to one of my favorite restaurants, down the sidewalk, make a left to the front door, when I spot them coming at us. Like they just crossed the Yalu River bent on subjugating the free world. Mom is in the lead, walking like one of those health nuts... you know, the "permissive parents" Arggghhh! Mom has one ankle biter pacing her while Dad in a bit behind with two more of the little vermin.

Oh no, oh no, they can't be, oh shit they are, they're going to my goddamn restaurant! I pick up the pace slightly, not wanting to desert my companion, but Mom in her damn fancy sneakers beats me to the turn, along with her mini-pestilence. When she stopped at the front door to let Dad catch up so they could invade as a hoard, I bolted past her, maybe slightly rudely. OK, very rudely.

The method to my madness is when we eat here it's always in a small back room with only a couple of booths, and they are often full. Maybe if we can shunt the invaders to another room, please, please, please. The Lady shows us to the room and there are two empty booths. Oh no... no, no, no this can't be happening. Oh yes it can... and does.. the Mongols are not at the gate, they're in the next booth.

Well we could move to another room. Fuck that, this is my restaurant, my dining room, they are the trespassers... Oh well, make the best of it, turn off the hearing aids. Just watch one of the four ball games on the four big screens. Sulk at the injustice. Chew my Bay Scallop Quesadillas, (that aren't on the menu but they make special for me), with great vigor.

After awhile I notice something strange... quiet, very quiet, too quiet. Ah, the staff must have repelled the invaders, cast them out into the street. Have to tip generously. But when we get up to leave, the little blighters were still there, lying in wait to ambush some unsuspecting soul. I must have scared them into waiting for easier pickings... yeah, that's it, growl and mentally beat my chest. Grunt, grunt, grunt.

Mom is sitting on one side of the booth quietly enjoying her meal with one of the kids beside her doing the same. Dad's on the other side with the youngest (think Cindy Lou Who) sharing a picture book while they both happily chew their own respective dinners. Next to them, the third child looked like he was daydreaming, a million miles away, while he ate. Could be a trap though, better not take a chance, and back out of the room like the Serbian Electrician told me they all leave family reunions.

But alas, they tricked me. Yeah, they fooled me good. I stopped at their booth and commented how well behaved the children were and what good parents they appeared to be. Mom smiled a little, Dad said, "Thank you", but gave me a look like 'what you talking about, Willis', we're like the normal family, nothing to see here.

Son of a bitch, that did it, the coupe de grace... I paid their bill on the way out.