Arguments: men vs. women

[Riddil]

Hey hey! Ok, this isn't nearly as long and definitely not as controversial as my other post.

Between my guy-friends it's a pretty common consensus that when in an argument with your girlfriend/wife it always ends the same way... with the guy thinking, "It seems everything I said just made her angrier. WTH am I supposed to say??"

And I've come up with a theory!! One common criticism men get is that we try to "fix everything". I think that it's the same behavior that causes the problems in an argument. Men don't care how something is fixed, as long as it's fixed. But for a woman each step along the way can mean something. So while a man is only trying to resolve the root level problem, he'll just start spouting out ideas for resolution. Which has two problems: 1) it normally doesn't find the CAUSE of the problem, and 2) each proposal has a chance of creating another problem.

Here's an example of a typical argument, and then an example for how it should have gone:

Man: When we go to the movies tonight I think you should change out of those old jeans.
Woman: But these are my favorite jeans.
Man: I know, but the rip on the backside makes you look trashy.
Woman: What? You're saying I look trashy? (This is a fake question, she's only prodding to find the reason he wants her to change).
Man: No, no! Not at all. They just don't look nice, is all. I mean, they're too tight anyhow. They make your stomache poke out.
Woman: Oooo! So now it comes out!! You think I'm fat?! (Said because for the past week she's been concerned she might be gaining weight, and people might notice).

And the end result is the man getting in hot water, and the woman feeling more self-conscious. *ahem* It could have gone better.

Man: I feel uncomfortable when you wear those jeans in public. They're so tight I feel like every man is looking at you in a sexual way, and it makes me uncomfortable.

And stop! Just stick to the root problem, and don't try to solve the whole thing yourself! If she comes up with possible ideas, support them and give input, but let her know that it's ultimately her decision in the end. (Which is only partially true... if it was her totally her decision she'd just wear the jeans. But since she cares about your feelings she'll work to find a solution you can both live with).

If it only bothers you a little bit, then if she ends up deciding to wear the jeans anyhow then *shrug* no big deal. But if you let her know that it's a BIG deal for you, then I hope your partner would be willing to change pants. And now that she knows how you feel, she'll be more aware in the future.

Of course this kind of thing won't work in preventing all arguments, but I think as a rule of thumb it's the best way to make sure that you stay focused on the root problem, don't add more problems, find a solution you're both happy with, and more than likely fix the reason you had a problem in the first place.

Thoughts?