Humor...I Need Humor...

[Torrere]

Thanks to UT's blog link for this one.

The Essex Girl is something of the trans-Atlantic equivalent to the quintessential blonde, a slag (invariably called "Sharon") whose IQ is in inverse proportion to her promiscuity. Most of the jokes are unprintable.

An Essex girl went down to the social services to get her family allowance. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, and Kevin," she answered.
"They're all named Kevin?" he asked. "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'Kevin' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'Kevin, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their surname."

Q. Why are Essex girls only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

Q: Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

more.

[Sun_Sparkz]

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie. ...

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. . .

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not ...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[BrianR]

I do believe that was the funniest post thus far!!!!!

[BrianR]

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not,
But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Swedens
(For Most Tax Brackets)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber,
Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oregon: Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee: The Educashun State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas: Sí, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vermont: Yep
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels don't Mix?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington, D.C: Wanna Be Mayor?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Scared!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Lady Sidhe]

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several
southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor: Southern Style."

The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia
and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally ending up back
over in Alabama.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read: I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go Yankees!, Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2004, Deer Hunting is Murder, and I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!


The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.

[Lady Sidhe]

My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us
having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it
makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will
come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base. Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10. If
you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five fuckin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.



Thank
You,

Billy "Smiles" Evans



P.S. You can send money to the person who sent you this
because that person is very trustworthy.

[jdbutler]

Got this in an e-mail yesterday, don't know who the author was but I wish it would have been me...



The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate
of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I
sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her, then number 2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over.

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[hot_pastrami]

jdbutler's test answer posting reminded me of this one, though I don't know it's actually a true story:

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = ½g x t². But bad luck on the barometer.

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2p v (l / g).

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building. But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

[hot_pastrami]

Snopes article on the barometer problem

[Radar]

That reminds me of another urban legend...

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as 'Bonkistry'. He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final, they had a solid A.

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?

[russotto]

I've heard the same story; I suspect it's as old as the automobile, and perhaps there's a version involving horses throwing a shoe.

Of course, nowadays students who use the flat tire excuse agree on a tire beforehand (but don't spontaneously mention it to the professor)

[BrianR]

>After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by
>George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at
>him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
>
>
>Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You
>wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
>
>James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said, "This is why I
>allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
>
>Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long
>cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration
>to pen the Declaration of Independence! ".
>
>These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and
>66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim
>terrorist leader.
>
>As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared.
>Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you
>promised me."
>
>The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you
>in heaven. What did you think I said?"
>

[wolf]

Greg made a living as a "session musician." He wasn't in a band; he played his clarinet for background music in commercials and such. He was very good.

One day he took a job playing for the soundtrack of a movie. When he was finished, and they were writing his check, he asked the girl what movie his music would be in.

She gave him a funny look. "They didn't tell you?"

"No," said Greg.

"Well ... it's a porno movie. It'll be released next month."

Greg had never played for a movie soundtrack before, and was very disappointed. But he wanted to hear his music anyway, so one day he found himself buying a ticket at a dirty little theater in the gay section of town.

Greg had never been inside a porno theater before. It smelled of urine. Soon after he sat down, a nice-looking elderly couple came in and sat down next to him. Greg was very surprised, and absolutely mortified. He had never seen them before, but they were the kind of people who went to his church every Sunday: gray-haired, clean-cut, conservative, polite, nicely dressed.

The movie finally started. It turned out to be the very worst kind of pornography: threesomes, foursomes, oral sex, anal sex, lesbians, masochism, sadism. Just when Greg thought it couldn't get any worse, a dog got into the act, mingling freely with the humans, performing sex acts with them.

Greg couldn't stand it anymore. He decided to leave. He leaned over to the little old lady and said, "Ma'am, I'm going to leave now. I've never been to this kind of theater before, and I only came here for the music."

She smiled sweetly and said, "Oh, I understand. We just came here to see our dog."

[wolf]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them. "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

[Yelof]

Wolf that one is a slightly modified form of an oldie but goodie

My Mum is (was?) a doctor, she told me that the same story about 20 years ago, but instead of a corpse it was the slighly more believable story involving the taste of sugar in the urine of a diabities patient, the fingers switch the same..she told the story as happened to her when she was a Medical Student in the early 60's.

Unfortuantly she has alzheimer's now, doesn't know my or her name, hasn't uttered a word in four years, can't get out of her chair.

Hope I don't jinx the humor thread with that reality, but thanks for making me remember her telling me the story