Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 254

classicman · 03-07-2011, 04:56 PM

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties..

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted,

"Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you,
but I must find water first!

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said

"Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Nirvana · 03-07-2011, 06:57 PM

.

ZenGum · 03-07-2011, 07:17 PM

"Now would you like to buy a tie? They're £10."

Nirvana · 03-07-2011, 09:14 PM

.

plthijinx · 03-08-2011, 08:53 AM

Blondes Explaining Easter

This could be the ultimate blonde joke

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

skysidhe · 03-08-2011, 09:50 AM

haha Funny one's classic and plthi

GunMaster357 · 03-08-2011, 10:29 AM

Can you explain that one to a poor French guy?

I guess that there's some cultural reference that I don't get.

plthijinx · 03-08-2011, 10:43 AM

we have ground hog day here. if the ground hog, phil i think?, sees his shadow he goes back in his hole because there will be 6 more weeks of winter. so here the blonde was referring to jesus as a ground hog

footfootfoot · 03-08-2011, 10:56 AM

Yes and you should see the movie Groundhog Day with Andie McDowell and, umm, that guy who was in that other movie with those guys from that show...

plthijinx · 03-08-2011, 11:13 AM

bill murray, aka carl the greens keeper (long live caddyshack!)

footfootfoot · 03-08-2011, 12:13 PM

Shawnee123 · 03-08-2011, 12:14 PM

And then, footfootfoot winked.

(I know you love those kinds of joke endings.)

footfootfoot · 03-08-2011, 01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shawnee123

And then, footfootfoot winked.

(I know you love those kinds of joke endings.)

I do, that's how I know when to laugh.

Shawnee123 · 03-08-2011, 01:17 PM

chortle

footfootfoot · 03-08-2011, 01:30 PM

Right. Chortle. That's when I know how to chortle. Or How I know when to chortle.

03-07-2011, 04:56 PM	#1
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only £5." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said "Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!" __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

03-07-2011, 06:57 PM	#2
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

03-07-2011, 07:17 PM	#3
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	"Now would you like to buy a tie? They're £10." __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

03-07-2011, 09:14 PM	#4
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

03-08-2011, 08:53 AM	#5
plthijinx Master Dwellar Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 4,197	Blondes Explaining Easter This could be the ultimate blonde joke Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented. The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in. The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either. The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... " St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good." Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey." St. Peter fainted. __________________ For your dreams to come true, you must first have a dream.

03-08-2011, 09:50 AM	#6
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	haha Funny one's classic and plthi

03-08-2011, 10:29 AM	#7
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	Can you explain that one to a poor French guy? I guess that there's some cultural reference that I don't get. __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

03-08-2011, 10:43 AM	#8
plthijinx Master Dwellar Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 4,197	we have ground hog day here. if the ground hog, phil i think?, sees his shadow he goes back in his hole because there will be 6 more weeks of winter. so here the blonde was referring to jesus as a ground hog __________________ For your dreams to come true, you must first have a dream.

03-08-2011, 10:56 AM	#9
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Yes and you should see the movie Groundhog Day with Andie McDowell and, umm, that guy who was in that other movie with those guys from that show... __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

03-08-2011, 11:13 AM	#10
plthijinx Master Dwellar Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 4,197	bill murray, aka carl the greens keeper (long live caddyshack!) __________________ For your dreams to come true, you must first have a dream.

03-08-2011, 12:13 PM	#11
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	__________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

03-08-2011, 12:14 PM	#12
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	And then, footfootfoot winked. (I know you love those kinds of joke endings.) __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

03-08-2011, 01:17 PM	#14
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	chortle __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

03-08-2011, 01:30 PM	#15
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Right. Chortle. That's when I know how to chortle. Or How I know when to chortle. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

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