Humor...I Need Humor...

[BrianR]

Why I'm Divorced



Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....
on the couch....
naked.

[jimhelm]

Costco doctor!




One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy lifting. Your elbow will start to improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco."

That evening, while thinking about this new diagnostic device, Joe also began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

The next day, he mixed up a concoction: some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe went back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in the family cocktail, and waited.

The computer printed the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Also: If you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

[Scriveyn]

"All money nowadays seems to be produced with a natural homing instinct for the Treasury."

"Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, a science which I have practiced for a good many years."

These and 88 more quotes from Prince Philip found at
The Independent

The man rocks!

[monster]

Originally Posted by Scriveyn

These and 88 more quotes from Prince Philip found at
The Independent

The man rocks!

@ eating dogs for anorexics

[Gravdigr]

,

[Lola Bunny]

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads This one should get First prize....

I e-mailed it to my Chinese doctor friend; he e-mailed back: "If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician

[BrianR]

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.

[BrianR]

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests.
What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains ."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count' St. Peter?" "
No I told you the computer's down, There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing."
In that case" says the second priest, I've always wanted to be a stud.
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
"Will you have any trouble locating them? he asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter,
"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
Why asks the Lord
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Minnesota "

[Rhianne]

I went out into the garden today and was shocked to find my ex-husband lying face down in the grass.

The stupid dog had dug him up again.

[TheMercenary]

Big Boobz (SFW sort of)

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage...-big-boob.html

[GunMaster357]

The best fun are the children comments.

While not shocked, I agree that it's was a poor choice for a morning talk show.

I am a guy and I love tits but I don't understand this fascination with huge boobs. In fact, I don't like enhanced breasts.

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by GunMaster357

In fact, I don't like enhanced breasts.

[Gravdigr]

.

[classicman]

Originally Posted by GunMaster357

I don't like enhanced breasts.

I'll even go on record as saying that I dislike them... a lot.

[footfootfoot]

The main problem with them is that they are the "almond eyes" of breasts. They are a caricature of breasts. A sculptor should have been hired to make the implants, not some doctor who got a C- in art class.